Monday, February 25, 2008

Class of 2012

Ray Guy
RP

Wears a Milwaukee hat

Did you know:

- that Ray Guy attended the University of Southern Mississippi, and was its most famous alumni until Lou "don't shoot until you see the whites" Beesley and some guy named Favor or Furtive or some bullshit?
- that Ray Guy's foot is on loan to the Pro Football Hall of Fame, still incased in the shoe in which it was frozen and then hacked off at the request of Hall curators?
- that Ray Guy backwards is Yugyar, which sounds like a character in some Piers Anthony crapathon?
- that you're not supposed to wear white after Labor Day?
- that Ray Guy would be a good name for those guys in the black helmets
who push the buttons and pull the levers to activate the Death Star's laser?- why do they need those big black helmets if they're just sitting at a console pushing some buttons anyway?
- shouldn't firing that laser require some sort of failsafe, like needing to have two top-level commanders turn keys at the same time or something?
- I mean, we do that on submarines, and those can't blow up planets. As it stands, one of those black helmeted guys could just blow up a planet that, say, an ex-girlfriend that cheated on him with a TIE pilot lived on.
- And considering how lax security on the Death Star is, it seems entirely possible that a small band of rebels could sneak into the superlaser control room, turn it on, aim it at, like, a mirror that's positioned some distance away in space and voila, no fuss, no muss, Death Star blows itself up with its own superweapon. The irony alone would probably destroy the Empire.

So, in conclusion, Ray Guy: awesome punter.

Tuesday, February 5, 2008

Class of 2011

Kilgore Trout
CF

Wears a St. Louis hat.

Kurt Vonnegut's fictional alter-ego, Kilgore Trout is both a brilliant thinker and a terrible, terrible writer. Mostly he gets his science-fiction short stories published in porno mags - he's sort of like Philip K Dick, but without the paranoia and crippling methamphetamine addiction.


Sachin Tendulkar
CF

Wears a Cleveland hat.

Would you believe this guy is Indian, and that he plays cricket? No? You have some attitude, jackass. Well he is, and he does. One of his nicknames is "Master Blaster" which is a game that's always seemed like more fun than it really is. Anyway, Tendulkar is crazy popular in all those loser countries that play cricket like India and Australia where they drive on the wrong side of the road and spell words wrong. Hopefully this will be my last cricketer because I have clearly run out of ways to make fun of the sport and my next bio will simply be a treatise on the book "Life, the Universe and Everything".

Basil Fawlty
SP

Wears a Washington hat.

English people think this show is fucking hi-larious. I saw it a couple of times - some hijinx, a few misunderstandings, some over-the-top physical humor. Nothing ages worse than a sitcom. Okay, Mickey Rourke. Nothing ages worse than a sitcom other than Mickey Rourke.