Class of 2044

Albrecht Dürer
SS
Wears a Philadelphia hat.

A German painter who brought a geometric understanding of proportion to backwards-ass Northern Europe. Had some seriously homosexual hair.



Det. William "Bunk" Moreland
Everywhere
Wears a Pittsburgh hat.

This. Always this.





Richard Wagner
1B
Wears a Philadelphia hat.

Gentiles who go to Jewish weddings are usually momentarily surprised that the bride doesn't walk down the aisle to the Bridal Chorus, although they usually figure it out.

Class of 2042

Ho Chi Minh
2B
Wears a Chicago(NL) hat.

If I was a wingnut, I'd be torn about the lessons to be drawn from the remarkable life of Ho Chi Minh. On the one hand, the debacles of the latter-half of the 20th century in Vietnam could have been avoided if the French had had the good sense to let go of their colonial empire like the British did. So, blame the French, which would be one of my default modes. On the other hand, you know, he's a Communist. So, blame Barack Obama, who's also a Communist. In any case, you know what's really weird? Written Vietnamese.

Class of 2040

An Unladen Swallow
OF, 1B
Wears a Washington hat.






Arthur, King of the Britons
SP
Wears a Washington hat.

Arthur, he does as he pleases. All of his life, he's mastered choice. Deep in his heart, he's just, he's just a boy. Living his life one day at a time.

Class of 2039

Dr. Valery Fabrikant
3B
Wears a Chicago (NL) hat.

Some whackjob who snapped and killed 4 of his colleagues in the Mechanical Engineering department at Concordia University in Montreal.

I don't have a problem with Geoff's theme (although I did ask him not to rename a player after him, because I have no desire to see his name or write his bio) but these run-of-the-mill spree shooters are just so uninteresting to me. Yes, I'm a biased observer because of him, but doing what these guys do is so fucking easy. Get some guns, find a bunch of unarmed victims, shoot until you're busted or killed, by your own hand or the cops'. Your average serial killer is just as despicable of a person as your average spree killer, sometimes more so, since some of them do some pretty unspeakable things, but at least a serial killer commits his crime with some planning, actually plans it out so he gets away. Spree killing is just so fucking lazy.

Class of 2038

Great Dane
1B/RF
Wears a Brooklyn hat.

a BIG ASS DOG! God, these are worse than Daniel's. Oh, did you know that the original treatment for "Scooby Doo" had the kids and the dog as a band who only solved spooky mysteries in their spare time? Yeah, I don't really care either, but that's all I've got.





Radio Radio
1B/3B
Wears a Pittsburgh hat.

I had a friend whose brother worked for Clear Channel. I don't know if he still does. When he told me that, he immediately felt the need to apologize. And he was right to do so.

Class of 2037

Gen. William Tecumseh Sherman
RF
Wears a Cleveland hat.

Two things:
1) Sherman is one of the few people from this era with relatively modern-looking facial hair. I mean, look at the rest of these mutants. I wonder how he got his beard so trim. That shit must have taken some serious dedication.
2) I've never seen Gone with the Wind. I don't know if that makes me different from other people. Probably not - that movie is fucking long and it looks so boring. My direct film knowledge really doesn't go much further back than the 60's, outside of a few exceptions. People were pretty easily entertained by flickering images back then. Watch any war movie where the soldiers watch some old 30's or 40's movie, they're always so enraptured. Soldiers would be bored out of their fucking minds with those movies nowadays.


St. Bernard
RF/CF
Wears a Brooklyn hat.

If you were dying in the Alps and a St. Bernard came to your rescue with a brandy barrel around its neck, drinking that brandy would worsen your situation. But really, how could you refuse that face? (That brandy barrel shit is an urban legend, but it's kind of impossible to picture a St. Bernard without one.)

Class of 2036

Det. Thomas "Herc" Hauk
SS
Wears a Detroit hat.

One of the places in "The Wire" where verisimilitude isn't the order of the day is the accents. Since none of the main characters speak with a Baltimore accent, when a character does have one (like Dennis Mello, played by the real Jay Landsman, or the junior high principal, or on the black side of the ledger, Snoop Pearson) it's somewhat distracting. But anyone who's ever been around Bawlmer or the Eastern Shore knows that everyone there talks like that. Herc's accent stands out as obviously originating from New York, so much so that the show had to point out that the character comes from the Bronx.


HK416
3B/UT
Wears a New York (AL) hat.

It's a fucking assault rifle. This will hopefully be the last cock substitute I have to put in the Hall of Fame.

Dick Butkus
SP
Wears a Milwaukee hat.

When all is said and done, perhaps the definitive legacy of the turmoil that engulfed this country in the 60's and 70's is the hair. Shit, no one is going to remember what Woodstock was all about or the Vietnam War or any of that crap, but they'll have the pictures and they'll see the hair. Butkus is a perfect example of how this trend affected everyone, because a guy like him never would have let that sort of trend affect him in any other era.

Here's Illini Butkus. Close-cropped, no facial hair. The model of the early-60's football player.

Early Bears Butkus. The hair has gotten longer, and he's added sideburns. Everything is still pretty neat and put-together though. (This picture has a pretty significant Shrute resemblance to my eye.)

This is later Bears Butkus. He's added the iconic moustache. The hair is a bit more unruly, and the sideburns seem a bit bushier. This is the height of the Butkus Revolution.

80's or 90's Butkus. The Reagan Revolution sent Butkus into his natural state. The moustache remains, but the hair has reverted to the flattop of his youth. This is the state Butkus would calcify into. Youthful rebellion has ended.

Late-peroid Butkus. The hair's grayer and thinner, but he will never go back to the radical-chic look that he once sported. The dream of the 60's has officially died. Whatever comes next will have to do so without Butkus.

Class of 2035

Brigadier General Stand Watie
OF
Wears a Cleveland hat.

The highest ranking Indian (feather, not dot) in the Confederate army and the last general to officially surrender in the War of Northern Aggression.

Class of 2032

Len Bias
C
Wears a Chicago (AL) hat.

How do I put this diplomatically? If you're excited about being drafted number 2 overall by the defending champions, why not celebrate by taking all of your friends to the arcade? Perhaps a pizza party over at Godfather's Pizza? Or how about a nice, wholesome Lionel Ritchie concert? Those would have all been.....better ideas.



Atomic Bomb
SP
Wears a New York (AL) hat.

The thing what we kilt all them Japs with!



Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
SP
Wears a Philadelphia hat.

Writer, philosopher, naturalist, scientist, German asshole. Wrote the play "Faust", which is best remembered for inspiring hit musical "Damn Yankees".

Class of 2031

Lionel Essrog
2B
Wears a St. Louis hat.

"He's a private investigator, but he has Tourette's Syndrome" sounds like the sort of high concept pitch that would set the groundwork for the latest Rob Schneider vehicle. Sadly, it is not - it is, in fact, a serious work of fiction. About a PI. With Tourette's. If you pick this book up hoping to spend an hilarious time with a guy who screams "shitfuckcock" while he dusts crime scenes for prints, well, first of all you're an idiot and second of all, the joke's on you. You know what? Fuck this, I'm done with you. Go watch "Monk" and leave me alone.


Panda Bear
RP
Wears a Pittsburgh hat.

Well, I like Animal Collective just fine, but I'm not one of the league's fanboys, and Panda Bear's solo albums left me cold. So I'm not exactly the most qualified person to write this thing. Here are some facts about Noah Lennox:

He is not a Jew. A Jewish mother would never let her son be skinnier than Prince.
He and Brett McKenzie appear to have similar taste in wardrobes. The difference is that Lennox is 100% real.
His stage name is pretty stupid, but not as stupid as that other guy in the band.
He lives in Portugal, a country whose Prime Minister is named "Jose Socrates", which is a better name than "Dana Plato" but not as good as "The Big Aristotle".

Class of 2030

Magic Johnson
SP
Wears a Chicago (AL) hat
Enshrined here for proving to people like Happy that people like Aaron aren't the only ones.


Rocky Horror Show
2b
Wears a Milwaukee hat

Craigles:
It's a pretty stupid story, but it's what I always think of whenever someone mentions Rocky Horror:

I’ve actually seen the Rocky Horror Show performed live. Not on Broadway or anything, it was a decidedly more amateur affair, but it wasn’t bad. I mean, the story is censored stupid, and it’s way over the top, but some of the songs are kind of catchy, and if you strip away all that audience participation crap that gives it such a bad name, it’s not such a bad little show.

Why did I go? Well, that has a pretty simple answer – someone said the magic word. I had a roommate who knew some people who knew some people who were in the show, theater types, and they were putting it on Halloween night (naturally). Well censored , I wasn’t going to go to that. They wanted my roommate to sit in the back and tape the performance, and I damn sure wasn’t going to sit in the back and have to do a goddamned job for a show that I already hated before I’d ever seen it. But, you know, someone said the magic word, and I went, and sat behind that camera, and taped the whole stupid thing. Sober, even. And what’s the magic word, you might ask? Well, nudity, of course. I was told that one of the actresses was going to get her top off at one point (the Susan Sarandon character, I think). It only ended up being for a few seconds, but that’s good enough for me. And hey, I kind of enjoyed the rest of the show too, like I said. Yes, I am that immature. The end.

Dan:
I think of my good friend Harry Waksberg, and of the darkness of middle school, whenever this movie is mentioned. I've seen the movie in his basement a few times, and also in midnight-theaters. It's good that someone turned it into a stageable thing, for the sake of people like this:



The Founder, Abner Doubleday
C
Wears a combined Cleveland and St. Louis hat, with a small Chicago AL feather

Will be forever remembered for creating this great game, sucking at it, and then for cheating death. For a small few of us, this game has never gotten any better than The Doubles.


Marvin Martian
SS
Wears a Boston hat

Forever marks the triumph of all, and indeed, of the OGL itself. It has taken all these years for us, at last, to succumb to our own Hilarity. A great thing has been accomplished here, this day. And Lou, unconscious somewhere, mutters and sputters, and is comforted.

Love.

Class of 2029

Jamie Lynn
CF
Wears a Detroit hat.

Spiros Vondas is the go-between who serves as a buffer between the head honcho of an international drug and human trafficking syndicate known only as "The Greek" and the low-lifes who he makes deals w.......oh fuck. It's some goddamned porno actress, isn't it? Uh, Jamie Lynn fucks dudes for money. The end.

(Shoulda been you, Spiros, with your fancy hat.)