The Oscar Gamble League Hall of Fame

Class of 2044

2009-09-30T16:21:00.002-04:00

Albrecht Dürer
SS
Wears a Philadelphia hat.

A German painter who brought a geometric understanding of proportion to backwards-ass Northern Europe. Had some seriously homosexual hair.

Det. William "Bunk" Moreland
Everywhere
Wears a Pittsburgh hat.

This. Always this.

Richard Wagner
1B
Wears a Philadelphia hat.

Gentiles who go to Jewish weddings are usually momentarily surprised that the bride doesn't walk down the aisle to the Bridal Chorus, although they usually figure it out.

Class of 2042

2009-08-23T15:56:00.002-04:00

Ho Chi Minh
2B
Wears a Chicago(NL) hat.

If I was a wingnut, I'd be torn about the lessons to be drawn from the remarkable life of Ho Chi Minh. On the one hand, the debacles of the latter-half of the 20th century in Vietnam could have been avoided if the French had had the good sense to let go of their colonial empire like the British did. So, blame the French, which would be one of my default modes. On the other hand, you know, he's a Communist. So, blame Barack Obama, who's also a Communist. In any case, you know what's really weird? Written Vietnamese.

Class of 2040

2009-07-17T16:07:00.003-04:00

An Unladen Swallow
OF, 1B
Wears a Washington hat.

Arthur, King of the Britons
SP
Wears a Washington hat.

Arthur, he does as he pleases. All of his life, he's mastered choice. Deep in his heart, he's just, he's just a boy. Living his life one day at a time.

Class of 2039

2009-07-01T17:52:00.002-04:00

Dr. Valery Fabrikant
3B
Wears a Chicago (NL) hat.

Some whackjob who snapped and killed 4 of his colleagues in the Mechanical Engineering department at Concordia University in Montreal.

I don't have a problem with Geoff's theme (although I did ask him not to rename a player after him, because I have no desire to see his name or write his bio) but these run-of-the-mill spree shooters are just so uninteresting to me. Yes, I'm a biased observer because of him, but doing what these guys do is so fucking easy. Get some guns, find a bunch of unarmed victims, shoot until you're busted or killed, by your own hand or the cops'. Your average serial killer is just as despicable of a person as your average spree killer, sometimes more so, since some of them do some pretty unspeakable things, but at least a serial killer commits his crime with some planning, actually plans it out so he gets away. Spree killing is just so fucking lazy.

Class of 2038

2009-06-11T18:13:00.003-04:00

Great Dane
1B/RF
Wears a Brooklyn hat.

a BIG ASS DOG! God, these are worse than Daniel's. Oh, did you know that the original treatment for "Scooby Doo" had the kids and the dog as a band who only solved spooky mysteries in their spare time? Yeah, I don't really care either, but that's all I've got.

Radio Radio
1B/3B
Wears a Pittsburgh hat.

I had a friend whose brother worked for Clear Channel. I don't know if he still does. When he told me that, he immediately felt the need to apologize. And he was right to do so.

Class of 2037

2009-05-31T14:25:00.002-04:00

Gen. William Tecumseh Sherman
RF
Wears a Cleveland hat.

Two things:
1) Sherman is one of the few people from this era with relatively modern-looking facial hair. I mean, look at the rest of these mutants. I wonder how he got his beard so trim. That shit must have taken some serious dedication.
2) I've never seen Gone with the Wind. I don't know if that makes me different from other people. Probably not - that movie is fucking long and it looks so boring. My direct film knowledge really doesn't go much further back than the 60's, outside of a few exceptions. People were pretty easily entertained by flickering images back then. Watch any war movie where the soldiers watch some old 30's or 40's movie, they're always so enraptured. Soldiers would be bored out of their fucking minds with those movies nowadays.

St. Bernard
RF/CF
Wears a Brooklyn hat.

If you were dying in the Alps and a St. Bernard came to your rescue with a brandy barrel around its neck, drinking that brandy would worsen your situation. But really, how could you refuse that face? (That brandy barrel shit is an urban legend, but it's kind of impossible to picture a St. Bernard without one.)

Class of 2036

2009-05-06T15:40:00.002-04:00

Det. Thomas "Herc" Hauk
SS
Wears a Detroit hat.

One of the places in "The Wire" where verisimilitude isn't the order of the day is the accents. Since none of the main characters speak with a Baltimore accent, when a character does have one (like Dennis Mello, played by the real Jay Landsman, or the junior high principal, or on the black side of the ledger, Snoop Pearson) it's somewhat distracting. But anyone who's ever been around Bawlmer or the Eastern Shore knows that everyone there talks like that. Herc's accent stands out as obviously originating from New York, so much so that the show had to point out that the character comes from the Bronx.

HK416
3B/UT
Wears a New York (AL) hat.

It's a fucking assault rifle. This will hopefully be the last cock substitute I have to put in the Hall of Fame.

Dick Butkus
SP
Wears a Milwaukee hat.

When all is said and done, perhaps the definitive legacy of the turmoil that engulfed this country in the 60's and 70's is the hair. Shit, no one is going to remember what Woodstock was all about or the Vietnam War or any of that crap, but they'll have the pictures and they'll see the hair. Butkus is a perfect example of how this trend affected everyone, because a guy like him never would have let that sort of trend affect him in any other era.

Here's Illini Butkus. Close-cropped, no facial hair. The model of the early-60's football player.

Early Bears Butkus. The hair has gotten longer, and he's added sideburns. Everything is still pretty neat and put-together though. (This picture has a pretty significant Shrute resemblance to my eye.)

This is later Bears Butkus. He's added the iconic moustache. The hair is a bit more unruly, and the sideburns seem a bit bushier. This is the height of the Butkus Revolution.

80's or 90's Butkus. The Reagan Revolution sent Butkus into his natural state. The moustache remains, but the hair has reverted to the flattop of his youth. This is the state Butkus would calcify into. Youthful rebellion has ended.

Late-peroid Butkus. The hair's grayer and thinner, but he will never go back to the radical-chic look that he once sported. The dream of the 60's has officially died. Whatever comes next will have to do so without Butkus.

Class of 2035

2009-04-21T18:38:00.003-04:00

Brigadier General Stand Watie
OF
Wears a Cleveland hat.

The highest ranking Indian (feather, not dot) in the Confederate army and the last general to officially surrender in the War of Northern Aggression.

Class of 2032

2009-03-01T15:05:00.003-05:00

Len Bias
C
Wears a Chicago (AL) hat.

How do I put this diplomatically? If you're excited about being drafted number 2 overall by the defending champions, why not celebrate by taking all of your friends to the arcade? Perhaps a pizza party over at Godfather's Pizza? Or how about a nice, wholesome Lionel Ritchie concert? Those would have all been.....better ideas.

Atomic Bomb
SP
Wears a New York (AL) hat.

The thing what we kilt all them Japs with!

Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
SP
Wears a Philadelphia hat.

Writer, philosopher, naturalist, scientist, German asshole. Wrote the play "Faust", which is best remembered for inspiring hit musical "Damn Yankees".

Class of 2031

2009-02-15T14:41:00.002-05:00

Lionel Essrog
2B
Wears a St. Louis hat.

"He's a private investigator, but he has Tourette's Syndrome" sounds like the sort of high concept pitch that would set the groundwork for the latest Rob Schneider vehicle. Sadly, it is not - it is, in fact, a serious work of fiction. About a PI. With Tourette's. If you pick this book up hoping to spend an hilarious time with a guy who screams "shitfuckcock" while he dusts crime scenes for prints, well, first of all you're an idiot and second of all, the joke's on you. You know what? Fuck this, I'm done with you. Go watch "Monk" and leave me alone.

Panda Bear
RP
Wears a Pittsburgh hat.

Well, I like Animal Collective just fine, but I'm not one of the league's fanboys, and Panda Bear's solo albums left me cold. So I'm not exactly the most qualified person to write this thing. Here are some facts about Noah Lennox:

He is not a Jew. A Jewish mother would never let her son be skinnier than Prince.
He and Brett McKenzie appear to have similar taste in wardrobes. The difference is that Lennox is 100% real.
His stage name is pretty stupid, but not as stupid as that other guy in the band.
He lives in Portugal, a country whose Prime Minister is named "Jose Socrates", which is a better name than "Dana Plato" but not as good as "The Big Aristotle".

Class of 2030

2009-01-24T23:09:00.004-05:00

Magic Johnson
SP
Wears a Chicago (AL) hat
Enshrined here for proving to people like Happy that people like Aaron aren't the only ones.

Rocky Horror Show
2b
Wears a Milwaukee hat

Craigles:
It's a pretty stupid story, but it's what I always think of whenever someone mentions Rocky Horror:

I’ve actually seen the Rocky Horror Show performed live. Not on Broadway or anything, it was a decidedly more amateur affair, but it wasn’t bad. I mean, the story is censored stupid, and it’s way over the top, but some of the songs are kind of catchy, and if you strip away all that audience participation crap that gives it such a bad name, it’s not such a bad little show.

Why did I go? Well, that has a pretty simple answer – someone said the magic word. I had a roommate who knew some people who knew some people who were in the show, theater types, and they were putting it on Halloween night (naturally). Well censored , I wasn’t going to go to that. They wanted my roommate to sit in the back and tape the performance, and I damn sure wasn’t going to sit in the back and have to do a goddamned job for a show that I already hated before I’d ever seen it. But, you know, someone said the magic word, and I went, and sat behind that camera, and taped the whole stupid thing. Sober, even. And what’s the magic word, you might ask? Well, nudity, of course. I was told that one of the actresses was going to get her top off at one point (the Susan Sarandon character, I think). It only ended up being for a few seconds, but that’s good enough for me. And hey, I kind of enjoyed the rest of the show too, like I said. Yes, I am that immature. The end.

Dan:
I think of my good friend Harry Waksberg, and of the darkness of middle school, whenever this movie is mentioned. I've seen the movie in his basement a few times, and also in midnight-theaters. It's good that someone turned it into a stageable thing, for the sake of people like this:

The Founder, Abner Doubleday
C
Wears a combined Cleveland and St. Louis hat, with a small Chicago AL feather

Will be forever remembered for creating this great game, sucking at it, and then for cheating death. For a small few of us, this game has never gotten any better than The Doubles.

Marvin Martian
SS
Wears a Boston hat

Forever marks the triumph of all, and indeed, of the OGL itself. It has taken all these years for us, at last, to succumb to our own Hilarity. A great thing has been accomplished here, this day. And Lou, unconscious somewhere, mutters and sputters, and is comforted.

Love.

Class of 2029

2009-01-07T21:27:00.003-05:00

Jamie Lynn
CF
Wears a Detroit hat.

Spiros Vondas is the go-between who serves as a buffer between the head honcho of an international drug and human trafficking syndicate known only as "The Greek" and the low-lifes who he makes deals w.......oh fuck. It's some goddamned porno actress, isn't it? Uh, Jamie Lynn fucks dudes for money. The end.

(Shoulda been you, Spiros, with your fancy hat.)

Class of 2028

2008-12-27T14:41:00.002-05:00

Bill Russell
SP
Wears a Chicago (AL) hat.

Center, ring-collector, victim (and fomenter) of infamous Boston racism, autograph-refusing asshole.

Class of 2027

2008-12-07T15:47:00.003-05:00

Chicago
OF
Wears a Washington hat.

Some faggotron musical with everyone walking around in their underwear and doing jazz hands and hats, so many hats.

Maxaman - WB
SP
Wears a Philadelphia hat.

Pills that make your dick bigger. The ingredients are things like "Tribulus" and "l-Arginine" and "Sarsaparilla" and "Oyster Meat". The guy on the bottle's dick is so big, he won a trophy, in some sort of dick measuring contest I guess.

Class of 2026

2008-11-09T14:45:00.004-05:00

C.R.E.A.M.
C
Wears a Pittsburgh hat.

Can Raekwon Enjoy Another Muffin? (It doesn't matter, he's going to have one anyway.)

Dick Diver
SS
Wears a St. Louis hat.

Dives for dicks, and the occasional bag of dicks. (lol, all women are crazy, both fictional and real.)

Emerson Drive
LF
Wears a Cincinnati hat.

The enemy fleet was rapidly approaching. The Captain, sweat dripping from his brow, barked orders at his first mate.
"The Cylons are closing fast! Is the Emerson Drive ready?"
"Almost set, Captain Kirk! Just a few more calculations.....there!"
"Punch it, Chewie!"
The ship lurched, the stars flared into star bursts, and the crew exploded into spontaneous applause. The Drive had worked. The Spice was safe.

Hedda Gabler
3B
Wears a St. Louis hat.

Manipulative cunt. Norwegian.

Iggy Pop
SP
Wears a New York (NL) hat.

Part time rocker, part time bad actor, one-time junkie. Does not believe in shirts. Not Dr. Manhattan.

Monsieur Meursault
SP
Wears a St. Louis hat.

W supposedly read this on one of his ~~brush-clearing~~ environmental rescue trips to his ranch in Crawford. It'll take a team of psychiatrists to figure that shit out.

Class of 2025

2008-10-15T17:00:00.003-04:00

John Shaft
2B/SS
Wears a Cincinnati hat.

Here's the dirty little secret about Shaft - it's not that good. Oh, it starts off well enough, John Shaft walking the streets of New York, cutting in front of traffic, flashing his badge, talking to a white street vendor (who, one assumes, is friends with Shaft because he is, quite literally, blind and therefore doesn't realize that his buddy is an Uppity Negro). That Song playing the whole time. But then it sort of just turns into a standard actioner. Shaft isn't even all that recognizably black, not the way some other blaxploitation heroes were. He's not trying to get one over on The Man, he's more or less just doing his job.

Or, to keep with the blaxploitation theme, a crude sexual metaphor - The Theme From Shaft works, in part, because it's all foreplay. The anticipation builds and builds through that long-ass intro, until the beat finally changes and Isaac Hayes' voice comes over, smooth as silk. Sings a few lines, the ladies sing back and then, post-coitally, he gets the hell out of Dodge. Shaft, on the other hand, is all orgasm - the opening scene is John Shaft, walking around and being badass, but then the film lingers around all night to cuddle as a pretty rote genre movie. So, if you've never seen it, this will probably suffice:

Class of 2024

2008-09-24T16:30:00.005-04:00

President Abraham Lincoln
SP
Wears a Cleveland hat.

If only. The words that haunt. If only President Lincoln hadn't gone to the theater on that cold, gray evening in April. If only he'd stayed home to play cards, or have sex with his wife, or even a prostitute. Or a dude. Whatever his fancy, if he had stayed home we could have been spared the horrors of the next century and a half (and counting). But he went, and Booth was there too, and he had a gun, and our Abe didn't. And by the end of 1862 the war was all but lost, but the Union hung on for another 3 years, slowly giving ground to the encroaching Confederate forces. If only they had signed the treaty in 1862, perhaps the Union could have removed some of the more onerous passages.

But none of that happened. Abe died, and the war was lost, and the Confederacy proved to be the true dominant force on the North American landmass. Someday perhaps the tide of history will be turned once again, but that day is somewhere on the distant horizon, and this author confesses he can't see it. Perhaps his children, or his grandchildren will see that day.

Norwegian Elkhound
3B/RF
Wears a Brooklyn hat.

Prior to the late-19th century, Norwegian Elkhounds were fairly rare in North America. Today, of course, they're on practically every street corner, pawing through the trash and trying to hump your leg. It is unclear who first brought them over from the Old World but one thing is clear - they make excellent Negro-hunters. With so many slaves fleeing to the Canadian hinterland, and with British Canada showing more and more reluctance to turn slaves over to American authorities (which reached its breaking point with the secession of Alberta to join the renamed Confederate States of North America, from which point forward a de facto state of war has existed between Great Britain and the CSNA), slave owners needed a dog that was capable of hunting your average Negro escapee. Enter the Norwegian Elkhound, particularly suited to cold-climate hunting. A militia of CSNA soldiers wandering across the 49th risks instigating a full-blown nuclear showdown with the Brits, but a single man with a pack of Elkhounds can easily track a runaway slave as far north as Great Bear Lake. In a way, the lowly Elkhound has single-handedly prevented World War IV, and for that perhaps we all owe it our thanks (and our leg).

Shane MacGowan
SP
Wears a New York(NL) hat.

The Minstrels (as they were later dubbed by a hostile Union press) first began arriving on the shores of South Carolina around 1911. Catalans, Roma, Irish. A few Kurds. All came for the same promise - to share their culture, their heritage and especially their music with the well-paying slave-owners that made up the landed gentry of the CSNA (neé CSA). That was the desire, anyway - in truth, many of them ended up as essentially indentured servants, playing shows with other Minstrels for the local slave-owner for little more than a subsistence wage. The Northern press may have called them Minstrels, and created very exaggerated, even offense, caricatures of them in editorial cartoons, but for them it was a living, and it was life.

Shane MacGowan was one such Minstrel, but even from the beginning he was different. He travelled the CSNA as Shane MacGowan and his Minstrel Band of Pogues, but he never accepted the status quo of second-class citizenship, for him or for the slaves who he saw every day tending to their masters while they watched his show. He famously lost most of his teeth as a young man, in a brawl with the son of a local slave-owner, after he allegedly referred to the man as a certain ethnic slur for white people that it is illegal to print. And his music contained many lines that challenged the unfairness of life in the CSNA, always partially hidden from his audiences with his thick Irish brogue. Though his life may have come to a tragic end due to his love of the bottle, he should be remembered for his music above all, and not as the man who's body was found lying face down in an alley in Macon, bottle of gin in hand, his time all too short on this Earth at a mere 15 years, 4 months, 22 days.

MacGowan, with his Minstrel Band in happier times. Note the line about "blacks and Paks and Jocks".

Class of 2023

2008-09-11T15:47:00.002-04:00

Eddie Hazel
3B
Wears a New York (NL) hat.

Play like your momma just died.

Class of 2022

2008-08-24T13:17:00.004-04:00

Bishop
LF/1B
Wears a Boston hat.

Bishop is a Badass Negro From The Future (is there any kind of Negro From The Future other than a badass one?). See that M on his face? In the future that Bishop is from, that's how Badass Negro (and, to be fair, Lillylivered Cracker) mutants are identified. Bishop's mutant powers involve absorbing and re-channeling energy but really, who needs powers when you can just look at a motherfucker cockeyed and they'd run away?

Steve Diggle
1B
Wears a New York (NL) hat.

Steve Diggle basically became Howard Devoto Mk.II, when Devoto left the Buzzcocks to form Magazine. And if you think it's tough following a legend, well, it's probably not that hard to follow someone who kind of hadn't done shit up to that point. Shelley and Diggle were (are?) the 'Cocks, and if there happens to be a straight line that can be drawn between them and Green Day, well, they'll pay for it in hell some day.

Steve Van Buren
SS/OF
Wears a New York (NL) hat.

Look at that jaw - you could remove his head and use it as a goddamn wrecking ball. If you're surprised to see him wearing kelly green just remind yourself, yes, the Eagles were once the toughest motherfuckers on the block. Perhaps it's true that sports franchises take on the aspects of the city in which they play - the Eagles and Flyers represent the city's rough and tumble nature, and the Phillies represent its latent racism and inferiority complex.

Class of 2021

2008-08-06T15:22:00.002-04:00

Siberian Husky
SP
Wears a New York (NL) hat.

Poor Harry the Husky, cursed with a perpetual case of bukakke mouth. I guess it's preferable to working alongside Cuba Gooding Jr.

Class of 2020

2008-07-22T14:09:00.002-04:00

Guys and Dolls
CF
Wears a St. Louis hat

The plot summary for this thing is really fucking long on wikipedia so instead of reading it, I'm just going to make up my own.

Nathan Detroit and Sky Masterson are two students in Miss Adelaide's 10th grade class. They both have their eyes on the same girl, who happens to go to the Catholic school across the street and is studying to be a nun, Sister Sarah Brown. They are also tormented by the bullies in the class, Nicely-Nicely Johnson Johnson, Harry the Horse and Rusty Charlie. Along with the kids learning how to count in old-timey increments ("A Bushel and a Peck"), we learn that Miss Adelaide secretly believes she is a man trapped in a woman's body ("Adelaide's Lament") and that Sister Sarah has an undiagnosed case of schizophrenia ("If I Were a Bell"). Eventually, Nathan and Sky engage in an old-fashioned game of War in order to determine who will win Sister Sarah's affections ("Luck be a Lady"). Nathan wins the contest and Sister Sarah is forced to marry him after being caught in a compromising position with Nathan behind the bleachers ("Marry the Man Today"). Everyone returns for the last number ("Finale") including a very pregnant Sister Sarah.

Class of 2019

2008-07-06T13:40:00.004-04:00

Jamie Gold
SS
Wears a Boston hat.

Let's take a trip in the way back machine to 2006. The World Baseball Classic was captivating the attention of people across the globe. Chamillionaire was just beginning his ascent to the apex of the pop world. Myspace was allowing teenagers of all stripes to blast "S.O.S." at top volume directly to your computer and tell you why Night at the Museum was the Best Movie Evar!!!!!1111111oneoneoneoneone. And the world of poker, which continues its stratospheric rise in popularity to this day, was being conquered by this man:

We will all no doubt remember where we were when ESPN announced, via tape delay, that Jamie Gold had entered our lives to stay. It was a magical year.

Peter Hook
1B
Wears a New York (AL) hat.

Besides being the owner of the world's longest-running, wispiest beard, and having the world's most annoying Myspace page (you've been warned), Peter Hook also spent some of his time in two bands that managed to amass a small, if loyal, following. And how does one follow up that sort of career? By forming a band with two other totally not washed-up bassists called, get ready for hilarity, Freebass. The sky's the limit for this young go getter.

Class of 2018

2008-06-16T16:30:00.003-04:00

"The Art of War", by Jomini
OF
Wears a Cleveland hat.

If there's one thing the French like more than eating cheese and being uppity assholes, it's writing books on military theory. This book was hot shit during the Civil War, when people still killed each other by marching around on battlefields and trying to gain miniscule geographic advantages - nowadays death mostly comes from above, so the only people who read this crap are the fighting Keyboard Commandos who conduct theoretical asymmetric war against the brown peoples of the world from the comfort of their living rooms. I guess if you read it you'd become the world's awesomeist Axis and Allies player or something.

Robert A. Toombs
SP
Wears a Cleveland hat.

Speaking of uppity assholes....just look at this high-collared shitbag. Look, I have little patience with these douchesacks who decided the best way to deal with laws they didn't like was to quit the game like a fucking 4-year-old. And Toombs quit motherfucking everything - the Confederate cabinet, his military commission, his fucking post-war citizenship. On the positive side, that's a pretty sharp vest.

Class of 2016

2008-05-13T17:16:00.004-04:00

Sir John Falstaff
OF
Wears a St. Louis hat.

Falstaff shows up in 4 works of Shakespeare's (The two Henry IV plays, Henry V and The Merry Wives of Windsor) although he doesn't have any lines in Henry V and the character in The Merry Wives of Windsor is kind of a Bizarro (not to mention: sucky) version. First, Falstaff is fat. If you want to play him, you have to be fat, or wear a fat suit. Second, Falstaff lies, steals, cheats and generally acts like kind of an asshole. But everyone loves him anyway, especially Henry V. Probably because he's just so goddamned fat. Like Santa Claus, if instead of giving you toys, he came down your chimney every Christmas to steal your jewelry and consumer electronics. Other characters who are based on Falstaff include Harry Mudd, George Costanza, and late period Orson Welles.

Class of 2015

2008-04-23T15:59:00.002-04:00

Xanax
SS
Wears a Philadelphia hat.

Xanax is what you take if you're a panicky idiot, but not if you're a "duh duh" idiot. There's no pill you can take for that.

Class of 2014

2008-04-06T14:25:00.004-04:00

Chief Justice Salmon P. Chase
SP
Wears a Cleveland hat.

They obviously don't circulate anymore, but if you're lucky enough to get your hands on one of the few remaining 10,000 dollar bills in existence, you'll see Chase's mug staring back at you. It's an arguable point, but I'd say that Chase is less famous for being Chief Justice than for being Secretary of Treasury during Lincoln's first term, which led to an interesting historical irony - as Secretary of Treasury, Chase (against his will, more or less) presided over the first printing by the Federal Government of paper currency, money which was unbacked by anything tangible - since the government had lots of war debts to pay, the easiest way of doing so was to simply print money and not worry too much about future inflation; as Chief Justice 10 years later, he determined that, by doing this, the government had violated the Constitution. Needless to say, this didn't stick, and today US currency (like most currencies around the world) is unbacked. If I was some Libertarian weirdo who had actually named his son Rand, I'd probably think Salmon P Chase was superhappyawesomefuntime for his stance against fiat money - since I'm not, he gets a meh-plus from me; some good, some bad, stupid name.

Class of 2012

2008-02-25T17:25:00.004-05:00

Ray Guy
RP
Wears a Milwaukee hat

Did you know:

- that Ray Guy attended the University of Southern Mississippi, and was its most famous alumni until Lou "don't shoot until you see the whites" Beesley and some guy named Favor or Furtive or some bullshit?
- that Ray Guy's foot is on loan to the Pro Football Hall of Fame, still incased in the shoe in which it was frozen and then hacked off at the request of Hall curators?
- that Ray Guy backwards is Yugyar, which sounds like a character in some Piers Anthony crapathon?
- that you're not supposed to wear white after Labor Day?
- that Ray Guy would be a good name for those guys in the black helmets who push the buttons and pull the levers to activate the Death Star's laser?- why do they need those big black helmets if they're just sitting at a console pushing some buttons anyway?
- shouldn't firing that laser require some sort of failsafe, like needing to have two top-level commanders turn keys at the same time or something?
- I mean, we do that on submarines, and those can't blow up planets. As it stands, one of those black helmeted guys could just blow up a planet that, say, an ex-girlfriend that cheated on him with a TIE pilot lived on.
- And considering how lax security on the Death Star is, it seems entirely possible that a small band of rebels could sneak into the superlaser control room, turn it on, aim it at, like, a mirror that's positioned some distance away in space and voila, no fuss, no muss, Death Star blows itself up with its own superweapon. The irony alone would probably destroy the Empire.

So, in conclusion, Ray Guy: awesome punter.

Class of 2011

2008-02-05T16:41:00.000-05:00

Kilgore Trout
CF
Wears a St. Louis hat.

Kurt Vonnegut's fictional alter-ego, Kilgore Trout is both a brilliant thinker and a terrible, terrible writer. Mostly he gets his science-fiction short stories published in porno mags - he's sort of like Philip K Dick, but without the paranoia and crippling methamphetamine addiction.

Sachin Tendulkar
CF
Wears a Cleveland hat.

Would you believe this guy is Indian, and that he plays cricket? No? You have some attitude, jackass. Well he is, and he does. One of his nicknames is "Master Blaster" which is a game that's always seemed like more fun than it really is. Anyway, Tendulkar is crazy popular in all those loser countries that play cricket like India and Australia where they drive on the wrong side of the road and spell words wrong. Hopefully this will be my last cricketer because I have clearly run out of ways to make fun of the sport and my next bio will simply be a treatise on the book "Life, the Universe and Everything".

Basil Fawlty
SP
Wears a Washington hat.

English people think this show is fucking hi-larious. I saw it a couple of times - some hijinx, a few misunderstandings, some over-the-top physical humor. Nothing ages worse than a sitcom. Okay, Mickey Rourke. Nothing ages worse than a sitcom other than Mickey Rourke.

Class of 2010

2008-01-21T15:37:00.000-05:00

Patti Smith
RF
Wears a New York (NL) hat.

There's a story in Legs McNeil's indispensible Please Kill Me where some punk icon is talking about Patty Smith and says something to the effect of "you couldn't tell, because she always wore masculine clothing and baggy shirts, but Patty had really big tits" which stuck with me, for some reason. I guess because it's such a contradictory story about a woman who looks kind of like Susan Sontag and carries herself like a dude, and I like to imagine that Patti would laugh about it.

In any case, Patti Smith is a bad bitch.

William Murderface
SS/3B
Wears a Kansas City hat.

William Murderface is the bassist for Dethklok, fictional band featured in Adult Swim's "Metalocalypse". This show is, unsurprisingly, popular among the young, stoned and unemployable. Murderface has one of those Lou Holtz lisps, is really violent and pisses in inappropriate locations. If you don't think that description can sustain one of the main characters in a cartoon sitcom over 26 (and counting) episodes, you've never seen Adult Swim.

Ben Matlock
SP
Wears a Washington hat.

Andy Griffith is all grown up, and now he's got a law degree and is asleep on the couch in front of "Wheel of Fortune" by 8:00 every night! Despite running for 24 seasons, from 1972 to 1995, and spawning the hit catch-phrase "That's my monkey!", centerpiece of Steve Garvey's successful 1988 Presidential bid, "Matlock" is still probably best-known as the series that spun off hit television show "Jake and the Fatman".

Lily Munster
SP
Wears a Washington hat.

The Munsters seems like the classic example of pitch-as-premise (they're living in suburbia, but they're monsters!) As far as I can tell (and I've never watched this stupid show, so I could be wrong) they pretty much go through all the sitcom motions: weird new jobs, long-lost cousins, double-entendre misunderstandings. Yvonne DeCarlo also played Moses' chaste cipher of a wife in The Ten Commandments - alongside uber-hams like Chuck Heston, Anne Baxter and Yul Brenner, the character she played might as well have been played by a two-by-four with a smiley face painted on it.

Class of 2009

2008-01-06T13:40:00.000-05:00

Dilsey Gibson
SP
Wears a St. Louis hat.

This is, of course, a relatively easy bio to write - Dilsey Gibson is the Mammy character from William Faulkner's best-known work, The Sound and the Fury. You can write your own Aunt Jemima joke here (Aunt Jemima herself actually has a pretty colorful history, no pun intended. Look her up some time). The Compson family is privileged, Southern and white, is (naturally) full of retards and fuck-ups, and Dilsey is the black servant who takes care of and observes them.

I learn more from some bios than others. Doing the bio for, say, Duff Man doesn't require a lot of research, but sometimes I don't know a lot about the subject and I try to read enough to give a reasonably rounded portrayal. I've never read Faulkner - I knew him as that guy who wrote all those stories about a fictional Mississippi county (Yoknapatawpha). He grew up during, and wrote about, the post-Reconstruction, pre-civil rights era South, so naturally his books have been studied extensively in terms of their racial politics. There is anecdotal evidence
that suggests he actually had a servant when he was little who he called Mammy, so it's hard to fault him for what might be a less than full portrayal of a central black character. His own view of the civil rights movement (he died in 1962) is difficult to pin down, but near as I can tell it went something like this: full civil rights for blacks is a morally unimpeachable position, but practically speaking it is better for blacks to be slowly or partially integrated into white society, rather than fully and all at once. That seems kind of stupid really, but I would wager that many ostensibly liberal white Southerners felt that way. Faulkner obviously had a lot of affection for Dilsey Gibson, even if it was impossible for him to draw her as a fully three-dimensional character. His writing captures a time, and a place, in American history, and I would guess that he will remain an author that can be enjoyed more than just ironically (yeah, I'm looking at you Harriet Beecher Stowe).

Class of 2008

2007-12-17T16:42:00.000-05:00

Lance Alworth
1B
Wears a Milwaukee hat.

Lance Alworth overcame the handicap of being born white to become a pretty good wide receiver, for a white guy. He actually played running back at Arkansas, which will someday be a fact that people view with a mix of shock and amusement, sort of like looking at one of those horrible racist figurines that people who are by no means racist at all collect and display on their knick-knack shelves for all of their white friends to get a kick out of. Anyway, Lance Alworth got to wear everyone's favorite duds for the San Diego Chargers for 9 years, and then unfortunately for him got traded to the Dallas Cowboys (unfortunate since that trade doomed him to eternal torment in the fires of Hell for all eternity) and then some voters felt sorry for him for being so white so they put him in the real Hall of Fame, the football one, but it doesn't matter because everyone gets into that one eventually. So to summarize, Lance Alworth played football and was white, not necessarily in that order, and if he was a shade of paint he'd be eggshell the end.

Class of 2007

2007-12-04T21:36:00.000-05:00

Agent Orange
3B
Wears a Pittsburgh hat.

Another weapon that's not an actual weapon, Agent Orange is an herbicide and defoliant, most well-known for its use during the Vietnam War to help clear dense jungle and thus remove concealment for the Vietcong. The problem is that the Agent Orange mixture also contained a dioxin, a nasty chemical which, in high enough doses, causes all sorts of birth defects and assorted health problems. Look up Agent Orange in a google image search and....you'll see. The dioxin poisoning of Victor Yushchenko, the President of Ukraine, made news a few years ago - he used to look like this and then, all of a sudden, he looked like this. Agent Orange was, in other words, not a weapon but a colossal military fuck-up.

Class of 2006

2007-11-15T21:06:00.000-05:00

Moritz Bleibtreu
2B/SS
Wears a Chicago (AL) hat.

Moritz Bleibtreu was the dude who totally didn't deserve to have Franke Potente run after his broke ass in Run Lola Run. I don't recognize anything else on his IMDB page...wait, apparently he was in Munich. More on that movie later. For now, let's just chalk this up as another one of drew's bizarre Eurotrash man-crushes. If you want Mr. Bleibtreu's autograph, and you can read German, and you're (probably) drew, check here

Scythe
SS
Wears a New York (AL) hat.

A scythe is a tool that people used to use for harvesting before they invented the wheel or horses or something. I guess people in poor countries still use them. It's associated with Death (who is often pictured lugging it around) because Death is the harvester of souls. It is not associated with Death because he's going to lop your melon off with it. Can you imagine using this unwieldy piece of shit as a weapon, Tom? That's because it's not a weapon. You know how else I know it's not a weapon? Because no matter how many gold pieces you may be lugging around, you will not find one of these fuckers in a weapon shop from Neverwinter to Eastern Shaar. That's right, a D&D reference. You know what else you won't find in a weapon shop? Iron Rations. Have to go to the item shop for that one. But you'd better stock up, because there is literally nothing else to eat anywhere. Well, regular rations, but those are for peasants and blacksmiths and shit, people who don't spend their lives killing dragons and taking their treasure.

Mathieu Kassovitz
SP
Wears a Pittsburgh hat.

Mathieu Kassovitz wants you to know him as a filmmaker - unfortunately, the only English-language film he's made is the Halle Berry vehicle (and all around piece of shit) Gothika. Most likely, you know him either as the weird dude with all the pictures that Amelie inexplicably falls in love with, or the weedy little fucker from Munich who blows his own dumb ass up. Maybe that'll change soon, since he has another English-language movie coming out in 2008; then again, the movie stars Vin Diesel, so maybe not.

Morning Star
SP
Wears a New York (AL) hat.

A morning star is a spiked ball on a stick. Yawn. In Castlevania 2, you can upgrade to the morning star, which isn't really a morning star so much as it is a chain whip with a heavy ball on the end. Castlevania 2 is the black-sheep of the 8-bit Castlevania family, since it's weird and nonlinear and doesn't really have any level bosses. Lots of blocks that are actually bottomless pits though. I happen to like it a lot because I think it's the most evocative and atmospheric - it also has what might be the NES's all-time best soundtrack. The problem is that, without a strategy guide, it's essentially impossible. For instance, there's this one part where, in order to advance, you have to find a certain item, equip it, and then kneel (not stand) in front of a brick wall for like 5 seconds. There are some clues scattered about that indicate you have to do that but they're not terribly explicit - basically, unless you're a genius, you'd never figure it out on your own. There's a lot of Nintendo games like that, because Nintendo wanted to have this really cool system that had lots of difficult titles, but they didn't have the hardware to do it organically, so most of their games either A) are packed with a shitload of enemies, way more than a kid could reasonably be expected to deal with or B) have puzzles that are essentially impossible to solve without a strategy guide. So when you were a kid, and you couldn't beat a game, you thought something must be wrong with you, but in reality it was the game that was fucked. Nobody ever told you that though, so most people my age harbor deep insecurity issues. Fuck you Nintendo.

Class of 2005

2007-10-30T16:47:00.000-04:00

Bernie Brewer
3B
Wears a Cleveland hat.

Normally, I'm pretty ambivalent about mascots that involve a dude dressing in a foam rubber imitation of a person. And by ambivalent, I think they're fucking retarded. I mean, isn't this way cooler and less creepy than, say, this? This goes for Halloween costumes too - when you buy a Halloween mask you've basically said to the world, I refuse to put any thought into this costume at all. But I'll give Bernie Brewer a pass because he used to go down his little slide into a mug of beer, and anything that encourages children between the ages of 4 and 11 to consume alcohol is alright in my book.

Fear, Itself
OF
Wears a Kansas City hat.

Franklin Roosevelt once said that the only thing that we have to fear is fear itself. And I guess that's mostly true, unless it turns out that there's a maniac with a knife camped out in your closet, waiting for you to go to sleep so he can eat your eyeballs. In that case, you're probably justified in feeling that there are more immediate problems in your life than fear.

Max, King of the Wild Things
Catcher
Wears a St. Louis hat.

Maurice Sendak's scholarly dissertation on inducing hallucinations in children by temporarily starving them was picked up on by the mainstream media and ultimately made the rounds as the partially dumbed down novel version, "Where the Wild Things Are". Sendak's follow-up, "The Wild Things Experiment with LSD and Peyote", was less successful.

Senator Benjamin Wade
SP
Wears a Detroit hat.

How big of an asshole was Benjamin Wade? When Andrew Johnson was impeached in 1868, he was acquitted by one vote. Now, Johnson was a total asshole. But Wade was an even bigger asshole, and it is said that, were anyone but Senator Wade to take Johnson's place as President (since he was President pro tempore of the Senate, Wade was the first in the line of succession at the time, since Johnson didn't have a VP), Johnson would very probably have been chucked from office. The Senate, ultimately, decided to stick with Johnson's everyday assholery rather than deal with the gargantuan, monumental assholery of Senator Wade. Just look at his picture. You can tell, immediately, that this is an asshole. And he always looks like that in pictures. Like an asshole.

Class of 2004

2007-10-10T12:55:00.000-04:00

Ivan Nickolaevich Bezdomny
LF
Wears a New York (NL) hat.

Ivan Nickolaevich Ponyryov (who uses the pseudonym Bezdomny, which means "homeless", as a writer of poetry) is a peripheral character in Mikhail Bulgakov's novel The Master and Margarita. A full English translation can be accessed here. Bezdomny appearances bookend the novel, which revolves around the appearance of the devil in Moscow (as a dapper, refined gentleman, and isn't he always these days). The book was written between 1928 and 1940 - Bulgakov died in 1940, having mostly finished his novel, but it didn't actually see the light of day until 1966, when it was serialized, in an edited version, in Moscow magazine. The edits may have softened the blow but it was still a subversive, anti-establishment work, and it quickly became a contemporary classic, passed around and discussed by the Russian intelligentsia. It supposedly holds a particular high place in the psyche of the Russian people - it has been adapted a handful of times into other media, but there are stories (like with Don Quixote) of a curse on them, including one version that was filmed in 1994 and, like the original novel, was buried, this time for copyright reasons, although DVD versions have since appeared.

This is a pretty comprehensive site about the novel, if anyone is interested.

(Mikhail Bulgakov)

Class of 2003

2007-09-26T20:55:00.000-04:00

Ian Curtis
SP
Wears a New York (NL) hat.

Ian Curtis, for those who don't know, was the singer/lyricist/Gloommaster General of seminal post-punk band Joy Division. If you've never listened to Joy Division, you should go do so right now. Unless...you've ever thought to yourself, "you know what song I really like? "Proud to be an American" by Lee Greenwood". If that's the case, go kill yourself.

If you're still alive, you're doing better than Ian Curtis, who is definitely not. The answer to this mystery is: Ian Curtis, with a rope, in the kitchen. Most people who write dour, gloomy, borderline suicidal lyrics are really well-adjusted, sane, happy people, right? Well, not this one - he did all of those things, and he was actually totally fucked up. So he put on The Idiot and watched a lesser-known Werner Herzog movie, Stroszek, and hanged himself (Werner Herzog, by the way, is totally still alive and we're all the better for it; Iggy Pop is also still alive, and that one's a mystery to just about everyone). So his band dissolved, but then they said fuck it and reformed themselves as New Order and they added a nice, happy chick and decided to make nice, happy music . Eventually. First they made sad, Curtis-y music. It gives me some amount of pleasure to imagine that yes, "Blue Monday", their biggest post-Curtis hit, is in fact about Ian Curtis, mostly because it would be the most perfectly catty response to someone who did themselves in and left the rest of their band hanging. If the Doors had written a song called, "Go Fuck Yourself You Pompous Fucking Asshole" right after Jim Morrison drowned in his bathtub or whatever "romantic" rock and roll death he gave himself which is actually just another disgusting, fleshy, rotten death, then I would respect them. But instead they help perpetuate the myth of Morrison as some high and mighty rock God instead of the pathetic, self-absorbed, needy junkie that he actually was, so fuck them.

In other words, Curtis made awesome music, but there is nothing in the least bit romantic about offing yourself at 24 because you'd rather live up to some retarded fucking rock and roll myth than get some help for your problems and make more than 3 goddamn albums that we have to play over and over in lieu of, you know, having you still around.

Class of 2002

2007-09-06T21:05:00.000-04:00

Jürgen Prochnow
SP
Wears a Pittsburgh hat.

Here are five facts about about internationally-recognized actor Jürgen Prochnow that you may not know:

1) His part in "Das Boot", which made him famous, was originally written as a tightly-wound private investigator in 23rd century New Orleans tasked with tracking down 5 renegade time travelling aliens from the Earth colony orbiting Alpha Centauri. Jürgen insisted that they change it so the setting become 23rd century San Diego, but they butchered it in the editing room and turned it some faggoty submarine movie.

2) He received his trademark pockmarked facial features while tracking down Nazis in the jungles of Brazil and not, as is usually believed, because he went into a plastic surgeon's office and told him to "give me the Edward James Olmos".

3) Uwe Boll has pictures of him raping infants. He passes them around to other filmmakers along what has colloquially become known as the "Prochnow Pipeline".

4) He is the godfather to Shaquille O'Neal's children, but only on Wednesdays and Fridays. The rest of the week, he wanders the streets of Kiel as "Jürgina", a 1920's-era cabaret singer who can bring a sailor to climax within 30 seconds with a single finger. He has never been able to dunk on Shaq but he still tries every time, God bless him.

5) He asked for only one prop from the 1999 Freddie Prinze Jr. vehicle "Wing Commander" - the ship that his character flies in at the beginning. When the producers sent him the scale model used for special effects shots he tracked each and every one of them down and murdered them and their families because he wanted the real fucking ship that flies to the Moon and shit goddammit.

Class of 2001

2007-08-19T15:00:00.000-04:00

Reggie White
3B
Wears a Milwaukee hat.

Reggie White was some kind of "football" player who had a whole bunch of "sacks". That was, at one time, what made him famous.

I recently watched the Errol Morris documentary Mr. Death, about a man (Fred Leuchter) who essentially stumbles into the Holocaust denial movement because he is unable (or unwilling) to accept the limitations of his own knowledge, and becomes a pariah because of it. The parallels to Reggie White (and other naifs of the evangelical persuasion, especially in the world of athletics) should be obvious, but in case they aren't let me spell them out - the vast majority of people know Reggie White mostly as that big fat guy who said that Asian people were good at turning televisions into watches and Mexicans were good at squeezing a lot of people into a house, and nasty things about gay people like this lovely gem:

"Homosexuality is a decision, it's not a race. People from all different ethnic backgrounds live in this lifestyle. But people from all different ethnic backgrounds also are liars and cheaters and malicious and back-stabbing."

So Reggie became a pariah, and now there's nothing anyone can do about it because he's dead, and that's too bad because maybe Reggie, like Leuchter, was just too goddamn stupid to realize what he'd done, but maybe unlike Leuchter he might one day have sought atonement for the hubris that caused him to believe he had all the answers.

Class of 2000

2007-08-05T20:17:00.000-04:00

Sanath Jayasuriya
2B
Wears a Cincinnati hat.

Sanath Jayasuriya is a Sri Lankan cricket batsman, perhaps the most accomplished in that country's illustrious cricketing history. That's what wikipedia tells me anyway, and who am I to argue? He's also a pretty ugly dude, which wikipedia "forgot" to mention, so maybe it is as untrustworthy as people say.

I think I'm starting to get the hang of this cricket thing. The "bowler" (he's like a pitcher in baseball) chucks the ball towards the batter. His job (the bowler's) is to dislodge the wicket stump that the batter is protecting and not, contrary to popular belief, to throw the ball hard enough to send it back in time from which it will be impossible to hit it. The batter protects the wicket by hitting the ball, but since he has one of those flat wooden cricket bats (descended from American fraternity paddles) he can hit the ball in a lot of directions - forwards (like in baseball) or sideways, backwards and, well, that's about it. But that's still a lot. He then runs between the two wickets and he gets runs based on how many laps he completes. Or something like that. Meanwhile fielders go retrieve the ball and, I don't know, peg it at the runner's head to try to get him out. The game has a hell of a lot of run-scoring and matches only end based on some complicated formula that only people from the Indian subcontinent can understand which, quite frankly, is probably the only reason they love the game so damn much in the first place. It's not so unlike baseball, and even pays tribute to its American cousin with a history of ugly racism.

Squatch
SP
Wears a New York(AL) hat.

Who's the Typhoid Mary of "NBA mascots have to entertain the crowd by performing trampoline dunks between quarters"? I think I read somewhere that it was the Suns Gorilla, but I don't know if that's right. Anyway, Squatch is the Seattle (no longer Super) Sonics mascot, and he looks like Teen Wolf (a movie, incidentally, which I have never seen and which is on my lifetime boycott list for relatively petty and childish reasons).

Squatch in action:

Doesn't it seem kind of sucky that Squatch gets all the glory while the people not dressed in costumes do all the heavy lifting? Plus they have to wear tacky yellow shirts, not awesome chick-magnet costumes.

On his own this time, squatch throwing down in what looks like a high school gym, earning some money on the side as well as scouting prospects for the future (or, I guess, current) Mrs. Squatch:

Class of 1999

2007-07-09T17:01:00.000-04:00

Cocky
2B
Wears a New York (AL) hat.

I'm going to let Cocky's official biography tell his story:

Cocky first took action at USC events in 1980 when he came in to take over his father (Big Spur's) place. Cocky soon won the hearts off all the Gamecock fans all over and now is one of the most recognizable figures to young and old at USC.

I'll leave out the obvious Michael Vick joke here, but it's a bit surprising that the PETA people aren't as vocal as the Native Americans when it comes to borderline offensive nicknames like "Gamecocks". Leaving that aside though, the mascot's main claim to fame is probably his association with hats that adorn the heads of douchebag frat boys (and too-old-to-be-frat-boys-but-still-just-as-retarded-men) the world over stating, simply and quite proudly, "Cocks". If that's not enough hilarity for you, another quote from Cocky's official bio:

One of Cocky's trademarks that is highly recognized by all Gamecock fans is his 2001 Magic Box entrance.

No comment.

Harry Truman
2B
Wears a Baltimore hat.

Harry Truman was a little nerd with glasses who hated, in this order, Japanese people, Korean people, people who smoked corncob pipes, other nerds with glasses who wore coonskin caps, and cocksuckers who asked him what the S stood for. He is probably most famous for being absolutely delighted to learn that he had been beaten in the Presidential election by Thomas Dewey, only to learn later that the news had been a mistake and Truman had actually won, after which he went into a deep funk that he only re-emerged from when the Cardinals finally won the Series again in '64. In his later years he became infamous for his crotchety reclusiveness, and he ultimately died, friendless and alone, in a cabin on Mount St. Helens in the 1980 eruption of that volcano (Thanks to Whiskybear for pointing me toward the relevant portion of his biography that discusses his bizarre death).

Rorschach
2B/RF
Wears a St. Louis hat.

Who is Rorschach? Well, he's a guy who wears a weird mask and, sort of, fights crime. If fighting crime involves things like murdering rapists in cold blood. He's an archetype of a certain character, found often in comic books, who uses any means necessary to fight the "forces of evil", and who is supposed to be some sort of hero, at least in the eyes of the reader. He was based directly on The Question, created by Steve Ditko (a noted Ayn Rand enthusiast, and if you can't suss out how I feel about Ayn Rand, you haven't been paying attention), but aspects of the character show up in many, many superheroes - The Punisher is basically Rorschach played completely straight. Which is actually kind of frightening, since it's a book that's targeted at kids.

Anyway, if you think Rorschach's point of view seems kind of right on and you can totally did what this cat is saying, you're probably Michael Savage, which would lead me to ask you why the fuck you were reading my blog, and to suggest that you're almost certainly a closeted homosexual. If you're not a fascist, and I hope you're not, then you are probably repulsed by Rorschach, even while you kind of admire his complete devotion to his absolutist views. Rorschach's decision at the end of Watchmen, and the consequences of that decision (both for him and the for world at large) are the stuff of legend, and have cemented his legacy (in my not-at-all-objective opinion) as one of the great characters of 20th century literature.

Class of 1998

2007-06-18T16:15:00.000-04:00

Nike, Inc.
SP
Wears a Kansas City hat.

Nike was incorporated in 1971 with the express goal of branding everything in existence, and turning that marketing power into a company that is a global icon. But Nike isn't about brands or profits or corporate hegemony. It's about people. Like Jesus Carrilo, 12, in Guadalajara:

"I have been working at Nike for 8 years and in that time I have made almost 10% of the money that I need to ransom my sister from the Cartel. Thinking of the look on her face when I rescue her makes the 18 hours fly by."

Or how about Kaliyanei Meang, 15, of Sisophon:

"They gave the girls at the orphanage two options - become sex slaves, or work at the Nike factory. And whenever I find myself having envious thoughts of those other girls, I just remember that death comes the same for all of us, whether your life is the living hell of the workshop or not."

Or, last but not least Ramelan Swie, 13, of Jakarta:

"They say the left side is the weak, or feminine, side. I am thankful to the cutting machine for removing my left arm, because it has left me with only the masculine arm, and that will ultimately make me stronger."

It is people that Nike serves, and people that are its greatest asset. As Nike pitchman Michael Jordan might say, "Get that fucking camera away from me, I don't know where the fucking shoes were made."

Just do it.

Class of 1997

2007-06-04T16:35:00.000-04:00

Lt. General James Longstreet
OF/1B
Wears a Cleveland hat.

James Longstreet was a general who fought for the Confederacy during the Civil War under General Robert E. Lee. Maybe you knew that already, but I didn't, and I come from Northern Virginia, so I didn't want to assume.

Has there ever been a war that tested the notion that the victors write the history books more than the American Civil War? Lee is revered, in the north and the south, as an almost divine figure; Longstreet, who became a Republican and tried to take a hand during Reconstruction, is treated like a turncoat and a pariah. The Civil War is one of the few that has a clear distinction between the side that is fighting for something that is morally right and that which is fighting for something that is morally wrong, and yet those on the "wrong" side have often come out cleaner than those on the "right" side when all is said and done. Granted, much of that is due to the specific actions of those in the "right" (I'm looking at you, Sherman) but the fact is that not too many people who have fought a war against the United States have enjoyed the sort of posthumous popularity that certain Confederate figures have.

Marcus Trescothick
SS
Wears a Cincinnati hat.

Marcus is an English cricketer who has participated in more than 75 test matches for the English national team, whatever the fuck that means. You'll be glad to know that the English are just as unimaginative when it comes to nicknames as us Yanks are - Marcus's nickname is "Tresco". Continuing along the theme that we began with Brian Lara, Marcus also has his own game - Marcus Trescothick's Cricket Coach. If you enjoyed the riveting action and excitement of NFL Head Coach, but you love an even more esoteric sport, why not check out Marcus Trescothick's Cricket Coach? It's a wicked googly!

Class of 1996

2007-05-21T12:28:00.000-04:00

Florian Schneider
3B
Wears a Detroit hat.

Florian is one half (with Ralf Hutter) of the core duo that makes up legendary German electropop pioneers Kraftwerk. You can always pick out Florian in group photos - he's the one with the big nose. Besides having one of the most distinctive catalogs in popular music, the band is famous for being incredibly reclusive - Johnny Marr of the Smiths tells of repeatedly phoning and mailing their studio to try to talk with them to no avail, finally being told by the record company to call on a specific date at a specific time. When he called the studio, Hutter picked up the phone without a single ring. Does music influence the people in the band or is the music a reflection of who they are? After years of playing psychedelic hippie folk for burnouts, David Crosby ended up a burned out hippie relic of the 60's. Kraftwerk played robotic music about machines - they are now seemingly devoid of any real human connections. And after years of singing self-righteous anthems, Bono is an insufferable douchebag. It's probably a little bit of both.

Gus Orviston
RF
Wears a St. Louis hat.

Gus Orviston is the main character in David James Duncan's book, The River Why, a novel about fly fishing, obsession, weird families and....some spiritual shit. I don't know, I haven't read it. Those Pacific Northwesterners sure do love themselves some fishing. Put it this way - if you're totally down with Jesus and think he's pwns all, read A River Runs Through It (yes, the book that was made into the movie with Brad Pitt; no, not the one that he spends the whole damn thing shirtless, that's Legends of the Fall). If you think Jesus kind of sux0rs, but still think that fly-fishing is a spiritual experience and it pwns all, read The River Why. I don't know if that's right, but I bet it would look good printed on the back of the dust jacket.

Class of 1995

2007-05-02T16:37:00.000-04:00

Bronko Nagurski
1B
Wears a St. Louis hat.

A 235-lb. Ukrainian/Canadian Adonis, Bronko Nagurski carried the ball (and played defensive lineman) for the Chicago Bears from 1930 to 1937 and again in 1943, when the war caused a player shortage. He was also a professional wrestler, but I'll just go ahead and pretend that didn't happen, for Jack Palance's sake.

As the great Burgess Meredith once said, Bronko "Waa waa waa waa waa". No wait, that's not right. He "ate lightning and crapped thunder" except picture crusty old Burgess Meredith saying it. His career-best 586 yards on the ground in 1934 has only ever been surpassed by....well, everyone who can walk upright and carried a football out of the backfield for a football team from the pro level down to Pop Warner. But that must have been hot shit back in 1934 because Bronko went into the Hall of Fame as a charter member in 1963 and he was a member of the NFL's 75th anniversary team. Truth be told, he was probably a complete meathead, but there's something endearing about those old-timey, black-and-white, the bully-just-kicked-sand-in-my-face-so-I'll-send-away-for-the-Charles-Atlas-program-and-show-him meathead. At least you know he never wore Zubaz.

Class of 1994

2007-04-22T18:11:00.000-04:00

Sancho Panza
SP
Wears a St. Louis hat.

(Guest written by whiskybear)
The straight man to his master Don Quixote's bumbling incompetent, Sancho Panza is an agent of empiricism in Cervantes' masterpiece. While the knight errant is gripped by his fairytale quest, Sanco describes for his master the world as it actually appears -- the windmills are not giants, they are windmills; the sheep herds are not columns of advancing infantry, they are sheep herds; the wineskins are not dragons, they are wineskins (and a terrible waste to pierce with one's lance). But just as Don Quixote blindly pursues his own heroic idiom (derived from the books of chivalry that were essentially pulp novels of the 16th Century), Sancho willfully deludes himself into thinking that he will follow his master - -this frail and quite obviously insane man, who indiscriminately attacks windmills and wineskins with equal fervor -- all the way to the halls of Valhalla, where fame and untold riches await. To follow the master, the servant abandons home, family, and vocation (Farmer? Shepherd? Mudpile-mover-arounder?). In his novel, Cervantes poses to the reader an honest question: Between master and servant, which one is the more delusional?

Class of 1993

2007-03-29T21:05:00.000-04:00

Romesh Kaluwitharana
C
Wears a Cincinnati hat.

(guest written by velguth)
Quite unlike with Brian Lara, who I got to know a lot about and is a true star in world cricket, Kaluwitharana got his name almost entirely because he has a funny name. "Romesh" + six syllables? Hell, yeah! I mean, a boatload of Sri Lankans have long, funny names, but Romesh had one of the best.
It should be said that he was the wicketkeeper for the Sri Lankan national team in that 1999 World Cup that introduced me to cricket. So he must have been fairly good, as I bet there were a few million other Sri Lankan lads willing to play that role. And as I look him up, I find adjectives like "diminutive" and descriptions like "extremely popular" and "loved for his perma-smile behind the stumps". And apparently he did some great things in the 1996 World Cup. But that's all news to me. I just liked the name.

(Commentary by FuriousGiorge)
Sri Lanka used to be called Ceylon. It is shaped like a tear drop. They grow a lot of tea. Arthur C. Clarke lives there and is able to maintain dual citizenship, which is a nice side benefit of coming from a country that once controlled something like 50% of the world's brown people. Like, of course, Romesh Kaluwitharana.

Steve Jones
1B/RF
Wears a New York (NL) hat.

I think it's safe to say that Steve Jones is the coolest ever punk who also has Peter Sutcliffe's dodgy perm. Johnny Rotten may have been the public face of the Sex Pistols when it still existed, and Sid Vicious may have become the unfortunate public face of the band after its dissolution, but Steve Jones was the person most responsible for whatever musical quality the band possessed. Never Mind the Bollocks.... is a misunderstood album in many ways - it's regarded as this raw, un-selfconscious punk opus, but in reality it's as slickly produced as any horrible 80's hair metal album. The guitars, in particular, are overtracked and give the album its distinctive sound. It's not the sound of a punk band on stage, but it's an interesting sound nonetheless and it's Steve Jones that makes it unique.

Paul Weller claims the Pistols stole the riff for "Holidays in the Sun" from The Jam's "In the City" but no one really cares what Paul Weller thinks anymore.

?uestlove
RP
Wears a St. Louis hat.

This made me laugh:

Henry Adaso: Realistically, how long do you think The Roots has as a group?
?uestlove: Rich [Nichols] thinks we have four more relevant records in us, before we become the Neville Brothers or the Rolling Stones.

Take that, Aaron Neville! And, the other Neville Brothers! Whoever the hell you are! The Roots are at the forefront of the burgeoning Philadelphia Hip-Hop Scene which I probably just made up right now but which seems like it should exist if only to wipe the horrible aftertaste of The Band Which I Will Not Name But Which Also Comes From Philadelphia out of my mouth. The Roots are as good as advertised. I'm even willing to forgive them for their close association with professional wigger Scott Storch. Here's a question that has (almost) nothing to do with ?uestlove - why are rappers always talking about/sampling/working with Coldplay? It's puzzling. It's as if George Clinton was constantly playing covers of songs by Bread or Air Supply.

Class of 1992

2007-03-13T00:16:00.001-04:00

Brian Lara
RF
Wears a Cincinnati hat.

(Guest written by velguth)
I first started paying attention to cricket in the 1999 World Cup. Working with a New Zealander and an Indian who were big fans of their national teams, I adopted the West Indies as my team to support, largely on the grounds that they were the only team that mattered from the Western Hemisphere. Brian Lara was by far their best player, and still is. Essentially he's been the only "world class" player they've had during the last decade or so, which is kind of sad because in the past (e.g. 1980's) the West Indies were as good as anyone in world cricket.

Anyway, Lara quickly became my favorite player. He's a proud black dude with an attitude somehow more remniscent of U.S. athletes than most cricket "gentlemen". He's outspoken, often selfish, and not a particularly good leader (he was stripped of national team captaincy -- a big deal -- at least once). Vaguely Iversonian. And he's also been erratic over his career, with extended highs and extended lows, perhaps best likened to Jaromir Jagr's career arc.

But in his good stretches, he's a monster. At times he gets called "probably the best batsman in the world". Of the 10 greatest batting performances in the history of cricket, he probably has 3 of them (more than any other player). He periodically wins matches ENTIRELY by himself with his batting. Even when he's been scuffling for a while, every opponent fears him getting back on track that day. Basically, and I wouldn't say this about perhaps any other cricketer, he's a bad ass.

(FuriousGiorge's comment on the guest-bio):
Did you know that they make a cricket game for the PS2? Of course you did, how silly of me. And on the cover? None other than Mr. Lara himself. That's right - for sheer, mind-numbing....awesomeness, it's Brian Lara Cricket 2007. Not sold yet? Okay, here are some funny cricket words:

Gazunder
Googly
Hoik
Jaffa
Perfume ball
Quack trick
Slog
Windy Wush
Zooter

Cricket - it's not just for twee British fairies anymore. Okay, it's still mostly for twee British fairies, but occasionally a bad motherfucker like Brian Lara slips through.

Capital City Goofball
Everywhere
Wears a New York (AL) hat.

Capital City Goofball is the mascot for the Capital City Capitals. He is big and goofy and looks a bit like the Phillie Phanatic. If you think the Phillie Phanatic is inherently funny, well, first of all, you're probably 7 years old. And second, you probably think the Goofball is hilarious. These are the Goofball's funniest lines:
"Ah Mancini. The mascot's best friend."
"If there's anything I can do for you, just squeeze the wheeze."
He only featured prominently in one episode, that crappy one where Homer tells the story about going to the big leagues as a second-rate mascot and going down in flames. Occasionally he still shows up out of nowhere in an episode, like the unloved version of Bumblebee Man or Sideshow Mel. And he honks his fucking nose. Pure. Comedy. Gold.

Tony Reali
SS
Wears a Cleveland hat.

I could go both ways on Tony Reali. On the one hand, he seems like kind of a douchebag. On the other hand, I could easily believe that he's just a dude who plays a douchebag on TV. We can all probably agree on this - he's no Max Kellerman, mostly because he's not borderline retarded. Have I mentioned that Jay Mariotti is a cum-guzzler in this bio yet? Oh, I guess I just did. So, in conclusion, Jay Marrioti guzzles cum.

Don Quixote de la Mancha
SP
Wears a St. Louis hat.

I'll be honest - I've never read the novel. If you want a proper bio of the man read the book or, perhaps more appropriately, the Cleland Notes version. So I'm no expert on Don Quixote the character, but what I do know about are urban legends and movies. Cervantes, in the original text of Don Quixote, wrote:

For me alone was Don Quixote born,
and I for him; he to act, and I to record;
in a word, we were destined for each other...
let the wearied and mouldering bones
of Don Quixote rest in the grave...

This was directed at another author who wrote and published an unauthorized sequel, but the message remains clear - don't fuck with Don Quixote, or Don Quixote will fuck with you. Orson Welles attempted to film Don Quixote: he died before he could finish it. Fernando Rey died while he was filming a version for Spanish television. The film version of Man of La Mancha is...sort of a piece of shit. Okay, that's a bit weak. But the big one was when Terry Gilliam attempted to film his version (The Man Who Killed Don Quixote) - flash floods, a star that developed a double hernia and could no longer film his scenes, color changes that made earlier shots unusable, fighter jets that wiped out dialogue on the soundtrack. Just a disaster from day one, a movie that would not be made. Cervantes, it seems, is a petty son of a bitch, even from beyond the grave (Orson Welles got some measure of revenge when he put his own curse on Heart of Darkness, and you can ask Martin Sheen how that one worked out).

Class of 1991

2007-03-13T00:12:00.001-04:00

Clara Barton
3B
Wears a Washington hat.

Clara Barton was, without question, one of the great humanitarians in the history of the world, a tireless and selfless woman who did so much good that it is almost unfathomable. She also once murdered, in cold blood, every man, woman and child in the small Texas hamlet of Bridgeport because a rumor reached her ears that a man living in the town called her a "wide-hipped cow with the bosom of an 8-year old girl". I leave it to you to decide whether her charitable acts balance that heinous crime out.

Ruby Faucette
SS/3B
Wears a St. Louis hat.

Ruby Faucette was born on April 25, 1898 to Joseph and Eustice Faucette in Tucker, Mississippi. The young Ruby was noted for being exceptionally bright and curious, and it is this curiosity that would fuel her interest in biology, physics and the black arts. The little girl was known for being restless, even for a denizen of this sleepy town, and at 18 she took a train to San Francisco, where she boarded a steamer to the Orient be tutored by the mysterious Li Shoon in the use of black magicks. When Ruby was next spotted in San Francisco, in late 1965, she had refashioned herself, through occult rituals known only to herself, as a man by the name of Danny Glover. Ruby was able to live out an entire lifetime as Glover, becoming a very succesful actor and political activist, and her secret was only known by a select few. Upon the apparent death of Glover in 2023, from "natural causes" (in which no body was displayed at the funeral, and the coffin was placed in an unmarked grave), Faucette once again disappeared, and her whereabouts at this time are unknown. It is to be guessed that she has assumed a new identity, having become weary of the old one (and the difficult questions that an unaging Danny Glover would bring about), and this identity will make itself known soon.

Class of 1990

2007-03-13T00:08:00.000-04:00

Hairy Dawg
3B
Wears a Cincinnati hat.

This is the mascot for the University of Georgia Bulldogs. His name is Uga and he (or one of has ancestors) has been around since 1958, long enough to be considered a venerable tradition. Here is another picture of a University of Georgia mascot Can you see the difference? I'll give you a minute. Okay, give up? The first is a real dog, which is cool even if its ripped off from Yale, and the second is a fucking muppet who looks vaguely like a dog. If you were to read this USA Today article, you would have to come to the conclusion that the writers either A) have terrible taste in mascots or B) are idiots. Because either they really love Hairy Dawg, or they (more likely) think Uga is Hairy Dawg. But he is not. And Hairy Dawg sucks.

(The only thing that makes Hairy Dawg remotely palatable is a sexy coed.)

Class of 1989

2007-03-13T00:04:00.000-04:00

Bosco "B.A." Baracus
LF
Wears a Washington hat.

You might think BA was just Mr. T with a cool van but that's where you're wrong, jack - BA was afraid of flying and Mr. T isn't. I guess. That is just one of ones of distinctions between Mr. T and BA Baracus. BA, of course, was the handyman of the A-Team, as well as being the token. He eschewed subterfuge for less subtle, punchier solutions, presumably because he's incredibly stupid and can't figure out that a more reasonable haircut and less gold chains would help him blend in better.
The A-Team perfected their own unique version of the Stormtrooper Effect - not only could the bad guys not hit the broad side of a barn with fully automatic weapons, but the A-Team was equally inept with anything other than high explosives aimed at structures and vehicles. This, of course, is a solution to the problem of, "how do we get real weapons into the hands of these soldiers of fortune without actually having to kill anyone onscreen?" So bullets ricochet off of the ground and buildings and the van (I guess) and the audience simply has to overlook the question of how this gang that can't shoot straight can solve so many problems, because it's the 80's and people wore leg-warmers for Christ's sake, so who cares about a little bit of crappy shooting from the crack commando unit that was sent to prison by a military court for a crime they didn't commit.

Morris Thorpe
CF
Wears a Washington hat.

Morris Thorpe was one of the players for Ken Reeves' Carver High basketball squad. Could this show, as it was constructed in 1978, be made today? Despite what Bill Simmons might personally think, I believe that the answer to that question is no. This question always comes up when talking about politically charged shows like "All in the Family" (which could easily be made today, especially on a network willing to take chances). But "The White Shadow", where a white former NBA player comes in to fix the problems of an urban, predominantly black high school? Not only does that not make any sense, with good white players in the NBA all being weird and foreign, but the "older white person fixes black younger students" trope is deader than dead and, unless you're Hillary Swank's agent, is absolutely untouchable as a serious premise.
It should also be noted that "The White Shadow" clearly takes place in the Tommy Westphall universe and, therefore, can be considered a figment of an autistic kid's imagination. Take that, Simmons.

Class of 1987

2007-03-12T23:58:00.000-04:00

Myrtle Sykes
LF/3B
Wears a Detroit hat.

Nickname – Sykesy1210
Sex – Female
Age – 82

Personal details
Profile type – Single
Sex – Female
Children – 1, grown
Want children – I’m too old for more!
Date of birth – 1924, May, 21
Height – 4’10” (I think I’m shrinking!)
Body type – Petite
Marital status – Widowed
Income – 30,000 – 50,000/year
Smoker – no
Drinker – rarely

Details of the person you are looking for
I’m looking for a – male
Ranging in age – 60-85
Relationship – Friendship, Romance, Relationship, Marriage, Casual, Travel Partner

Description
I am a blue-eyed, white-haired (used to be blonde) woman with a zest for life. I have been widowed for 10 years and would like to re-enter the dating scene, but I don’t know where to start!

Ideal match description
I am looking for a gentleman who knows how to treat a lady. Specifically, he must be familiar with/have hands-on experience with hardcore bondage/S&M play. Bi-curious is okay, but no one who has had strictly homosexual relationships as they tend to have trouble looking outside of traditional male/female gender roles. Familiarity with torture and autosadism are also pluses, although these can be learned. Nonsmoker preferred.

Corey Maggette
SP
Wears a Pittsburgh hat.

1 top 10 finish in Cy Young voting. Top 20 all-time in ERA and WHIP.

Why is Corey Maggette here? That is a question that has puzzled top scientists from all over the world for weeks, if not months. But why ask those eggheads who can send a man to the moon but can’t figure out how to get that mustard stain out of my favorite green shirt? Let’s go right to the source.

Q: Corey, why are you on a team that is dedicated to men who are exceptionally attractive?
A: Fuck if I know. Look at me. My eyes are too far apart, I have a squashed head, a big wide nose and HUGE lips, even for a black dude.

Q: Perhaps it’s your physique that garnered you a spot amongst the other Adonises playing for Pittsburgh?
A: Well, I keep myself in good shape, that’s true. But no more so than most of the players in the NBA. And just between you and me, I have a tiny penis.

Q: Fascinating. So is there any aspect of you that’s better than average, physically?
A: I have really nice eyelashes. I’ve been told that they “make me look like a bitch” by several teammates.

Q: Thank you, Corey.
A: Any time.

Class of 1986

2007-03-12T23:53:00.000-04:00

Hazel Mills
SS
Wears a Detroit hat.

ROY winner. 3 MVP's plus 2 other top 5 finishes and 3 other top 10 finishes. 1 WS MVP. Top 20 all-time in Runs, OBP, Avg and SB.

How do you put the life of Hazel Mills into words? Philosophers have struggled with this task for almost 50 years now. Because philosophers are idiots, considering that she wrote an autobiography, and all the words are right there. A few excerpts (all excerpts are from "My Life: A Book With Words About Me" by Hazel T. Mills, copyright 1934 Amalgamated Powders and Paper Pressings, Duluth MN)

"...his hands were rough. And small, surprisingly small. I'd always been told that the negro had large hands, but it wasn't true. Those hands began to undo my blouse, and I knew right then that the passion of the colored man had not been exaggerated. He began to suck...."

"...it was long and hard in my hand. And shiny, very shiny when I pulled it out. I never hesitated, I simply pulled the trigger and shot the Chinaman, just like that, unfeeling. I hit him in the left shoulder. The Jew lawyer I hired said I was lucky, two inches to his right and I'd have been looking at murder one. But I knew different, that the Chinaman and his yellow brethren would never relent until they controlled the power structures from Fresno to Buffalo. And I have been proven right with time. Fortunately, Sadie Franklin knew how to make gunpowder, and when we had 6 full barrels of it we drove to...."

"....there was no way I was selling my farm to a filthy wop. So I burned it. I'm not ashamed. Sure, I mourned Daniel. I carried him for 9 months, it's always painful to lose a child. But maybe it was for the best - the boy was slow. He was destined to be a shoe shiner or some other degrading position because of his low mental capacity. And I sure as hell wasn't going to watch one of my offspring doing a job that only coloreds and Mexicans are fit for. It's disgraceful. Truth be told, it wasn't the first time I'd attempted to kill Daniel - when he was 7 I attempted to slip arsenic into his cereal but was stopped by...."

William Reid
SP
Wears a New York (NL) hat.

2 Cy Young awards plus 5 other top 10 finishes. Top 20 all-time in Wins, Shutouts and K's.

William Reid was one-half (with his brother Jim) of the core duo that made up the Jesus and Mary Chain. Here is a fascinating video (if you're into that sort of thing) that gives you a good idea of their relationsihp with their audience, and includes the North London Poly Riot (it's a bit jittery). The band was famous for playing short gigs, with their backs to the audience, consisting mostly of feedback. You might think that's a dickish thing to do. But here's the thing - it's an extremely dickish thing to do. The band doesn't care. In fact, the band is just as happy if you ignore them. Which, most likely, you have. But maybe you won't ignore them any more, and you'll go out and listen to Psycho Candy. And you'll probably hate it. But you'll listen to it a few more times and then you'll think "You know, I still kind of hate this, but I can't stop listening to it." And that's the Jesus and Mary Chain in a nutshell. You hate them, but deep down you love them. Believe me, they know. They know.

Class of 1985

2007-03-12T23:47:00.000-04:00

Matt Leinart
2B
Wears a Pittsburgh hat.

ROY winner. 3 MVP awards plus 3 other top 5 finishes, 1 other top 10 finish. Top 20 all-time in HR, Hits, RBI, Runs.

Most football players, presumably, get into the sport because they are A)d riven by an overbearing parent, B) supremely athletically gifted, C) poor or D) some combination of all three. Matt Leinart is none of these things. He got into football, one can only assume, because he watched Heaven Can Wait, got it confused with Shampoo, and determined that football was his ticket to a lifetime supply of pussy. It turns out, of course, that Matt is right, but his punishment is one illegitimate kid (so far) and a lifetime of "herpes must be a real bitch" wisecracks after he stuck it in Queen Skank the Flatchested. I'm guessing he's okay with the trade-off.

Josh Holloway
RP
Wears a Pittsburgh hat.

3 top 5 finishes in Fireman voting, 1 top 10. Top 20 all-time in WHIP.

I'm going to come right out and say it - if Josh Holloway wasn't playing Sawyer, he seems like the sort of guy who would be imminently punchable. The long hair, the stubble, the "I'm going to steal your woman and there's nothing you can do about it" attitude - only the off-the-chart coolness of James "Sawyer" Ford keeps Holloway from daily cock-punchings. Okay, the cock-punchings are entirely in my mind but still, he would deserve every single one of them. For the sake of Mr. Holloway's theoretical testes satchel, I hope "Lost" continues until he's an old man and morphs from "probable dickhead" to "eccentric old horndog" like Jack Nicholson.

Class of 1984

2007-03-12T22:54:00.000-04:00

Duff Man
C
Wears a New York (AL) hat.

ROY winner. 9 MVP awards plus two other top 5 finishes and 1 top 10 finish. Top 20 all-time in HR, Hits, RBI, Runs.

How do you make fun of something that's already supposed to be a parody? That's easy, by making fun of the show that's doing the parody. But I'm a huge Simpsons homer, and the one true defender-of-the-faith, so I will do no such thing. Instead I will talk about something only tangentially related to Duff Man. "Oh Yeah", by Yello.

"Oh Yeah" is still most famous for playing over several scenes of Ferris Bueller's Day Off, most notably when child molester Principal Rooney gets on the school bus at the end of the movie and has to sit next to the weird chick with gummy bears in her pockets. But even though it is featured in, arguably, the greatest comedy ever made, I believe the song is still tremendously underrated.

Have you ever seen the video? Go ahead, I'll wait. Two mustachioed Swiss dudes mouth goofy lyrics about how the moon and sun are beautiful (that's right, this song is, technically, about something). Now this song violates two cardinal rules of rock - first, it's electronic music, so it's immediately somewhat passionless. Second, it's clearly meant as a goof. I mean, even Eurotrash doesn't think singing about the sun and moon is serious. Normally, there is nothing worse than "rock" bands that sing intentionally stupid songs, which is why the Barenaked Ladies are currently sitting on death row. And yet, it still works. Try not to sing it while you're listening to it, I dare you. You can't. Chigga chigga. Oh yeah, and Duff Man uses it as his theme song. Or something. Whatever.

Bessie Lee Johnson
SP
Wears a Detroit hat.

5 Cy Young awards, plus 5 other top 5 finishes and 3 other top 10 finishes. Top 20 all-time in Wins, Shutouts, ERA, WHIP, K's.

(Guest written by Max_Fischer)
Bessie Lee Johnson achieved little in her hard-scrabble life on a South Carolina farm. But she overcame a fourth-grade education and desperate poverty to become the all-time winningest pitcher in OGL history.

Bessie Lee was known throughout her community as the meanest, cruellest person alive. Perhaps no one feared her more than her own grandchildren (max_fischer among them), whom she called "fat" or "stupid" for her own entertainment (and whom she occasionally threatened to eat).

Scarred by their horrific childhoods, Bessie Lee's own children (six in all) both loved and loathed her, as abused kids are wont to do. But they were of one mind on one thing: Bessie Lee Johnson could flat out pitch.

Winner of FIVE Cy Young Awards, Bessie Lee regularly topped 100 MPH on radar guns and generally terrorized the American League. She also baked lots of cakes (she reportedly goes through one five-pound bag of sugar each WEEK, and the woman lives alone), many of which she ate herself.

Her 372 wins may never be exceeded. Long may she reign.

Blanche Bouchard
SP
Wears a Detroit hat.

2 Cy Young awards plus 4 other top 5 finishes and 2 other top 10 finishes. Top 20 all-time in Wins, Shutouts, ERA, WHIP, K's.

BEAVER LAKE, PA - Blanche T. "Horse Satchel" Bouchard, 89, died Monday at a local nursing home after a long illness.
Mrs. Bouchard (nee Grindel) was born in nearby Elk Grove and moved to Beaver Lake in 1935 when she married Joseph K. "Frog Leg" Bouchard at the age of 18.
Mrs. Bouchard was a long-time member of The Quilting Club of Beaver Lake, and had created several award-winning quilts which were displayed proudly within her home on Randolph Avenue.
Mrs. Bouchard was perhaps most famous to residents of Beaver Lake for the letters she wrote to the Beaver Lake Free Press asking forgiveness for welcoming the two initial Sarien scouts into her home and feeding them for several days, allowing them to regain their strength and ultimately enslave the human race.
She is survived by her children Abraham, 70, Rose, 68 and Charlotte, 63. Services will be held on Thursday at Petersen's Funeral Home, 3895 South Elm Road. Burial will be at Lakefront Cemetary in the spring. All hail our insectoid overlords.

Class of 1983

2007-03-12T22:51:00.000-04:00

Erick Sermon
2B
Wears a Chicago (NL) hat.

WS MVP award. Top 20 all-time in HR, Hits, RBI, Runs, SB.

Erick Sermon, for those who don't know (the old guys, the hip-hop avoiders) made his name as half (along with Parrish Smith) of EPMD, a group that released 6 albums between 1988 and 1999, all of which had the word "business" in the title. A confession, before I continue - I don't like EPMD that much.

If Public Enemy was The Clash of late-80's hip-hop (a huge oversimplification, but I'm using this comparison for the sake of making a point) then EPMD was The Sex Pistols. Whereas PE directed their (considerable) anger upwards at the power structure, and downwards at the apathy of the young and the black, EPMD mostly focused their anger in a parallel direction, at everyone else in hip-hop. This isn't entirely accurate - PE was legitimately angry at, well, pretty much everything, whereas EPMD were more of a party band that happened to like to take shots at other rappers. But the nastiness of some of their tracks is pretty much unavoidable, and even though it's easy to appreciate their rhymes and their wide array of samples, it's hard to listen to their albums without wanting to tell them to tone it down, or direct it at someone who deserves it.

Anyway, Erick Sermon has continued to rap and produce without his former partner, who is probably dead*, but as with all other musicians who leave a well-regarded band for a solo career, has so far been unable to duplicate the critical or commercial success of the heyday of EPMD.

* This may be a completely untrue statement.

Class of 1982

2007-03-12T22:46:00.000-04:00

Chuck D
LF/RF
Wears a Cleveland hat.

Top 5 in ROY voting. Top 20 all-time in HR and Hits.
This is the most important thing you need to know about Chuck D - he is cooler than you. Not only that, but his real name is Carlton and he's still cooler than you. Chuck D is so cool that the aura emanating from his person made Flavor Flav seem cool, and that dude has spent the last few years romancing Red Sonja and some chick who took a shit on his stairs. Besides being the mastermind behind two of the greatest rap albums of all time (It Takes A Nation Of Millions To Hold Us Back and Fear Of A Black Planet), Chuck D is the anti-Metallica when it comes to internet file-sharing, getting in on the ground floor of the future of music. Chuck D is so fucking cool he even showed up in a Sonic Youth video. Holy Christ is Chuck D cool.

Mickey O'Neil
SP
Wears a Pittsburgh hat.

2 Cy Young awards plus 1 top 5 finish and 1 top 10 finish. Top 20 all-time in Wins, ERA and WHIP.

A poem, by Mickey O'Neil:

I think that I have never saw,
A poem as lovely as me ma,
With bottle of Jameson's in 'er 'and,
Going down (unintelligible),
Oi! Ye wanna fight? I'll box ya!
Fook it, I need a shite.

Class of 1981

2007-03-12T22:40:00.000-04:00

Grandma Moses
SP
Wears a Detroit hat.

2 Cy Young awards plus 6 other top 5 finishes and 1 other top 10 finish. Top 20 all-time in Wins, Shutouts, ERA, WHIP and K's.
Grandma Moses didn't pick up painting until she was in her 70's, spending much of her life before that time in and out of the protective custody of the state. One of her most well-known paintings, "8-Ball Getting Jacked By Crips Dressed Like Crackheads" was inspired by a real-life incident when Ms. Moses, behind on her payment to local hustler/pimp Freddy "Gunga Din" Cornwell, was in the middle of robbing a neighborhood liquor store when getaway driver Ernie "8-Ball" Fredericks had his getaway car stolen by a group of neighborhood Crips disguised as crack addicts. Ms. Moses would frequently tell the story in her later years with a smile on her face, but it is unlikely she was smiling when she enacted the imfamous and incredibly disturbing punishment on local crime lord Ulysses "Iguana" Thomason that put her on the map in the crime underworld. She never painted that particular scene, although crime scene photographs are still passed around amongst collectors of such things, taking their rightful place alongside photos of Fou-Tchou-Li as the most prized pieces of arcana among that subset.

Jack Bauer
SP
Wears a Pittsburgh hat.

ROY award, 1 Cy Young award. 1 top 5 finish in Fireman award voting. Top 20 all-time in Wins, ERA, WHIP, K's.
What the hell does Jack Bauer do on the days that he isn't saving the universe. I guess the easy answer would be "drinks, a lot" but that would be pejorative and uncalled-for. Mostly I just picture him sitting around in his underwear, watching the Price is Right and eating Golden Grahams and waiting for the phone to ring about another goddamn plot that threatens civilization as we know it. I imagine he spends at least part of his day amusing himself by making fun of Kim for falling into a bear trap. Do you think there are other guys like Jack, foiling other plots around the world? Or was his resume so good that the people who hired him said, you know what, we'll never do better than this, let's just let him handle all of this shit.

Class of 1980

2007-03-12T21:57:00.000-04:00

Alcohol
LF
Wears a New York (NL) hat.

Top 5 in ROY voting. Top 20 all-time in OBP and Batting average.
Did you know:
*Methanol, or "wood alcohol", can make you go blind, but only if you're a huge pussy who can't take his alcohol and you're not one, are you?
*Studies have shown that if you use alcohol as a fuel source you are wasting precious precious alcohol?
*People who don't drink alcohol, or "teetotalers" as they are known, are fucking weird?
*Drinking laboratory alcohol can make you cranky and irritable to the point where you make a big fuss about draft picks?
*The perfect vessel for drinking alcohol is Elizabeth Shue's naked breasts, followed by Denise Richards' naked breasts? And that in no circumstances should you attempt to drink alcohol off of any part of Bea Arthur's anatomy unless you have a well-formed escape plan in mind?
*The best way to get rid of a hangover is to die of alcohol poisoning?

Class of 1979

2007-03-12T21:53:00.000-04:00

John Brown
2B/1B/OF
Wears a Cleveland hat.

1 MVP award. Top 20 all-time in HR, Slg., OPS.
Abolitionist, revolutionary, leader of men. John Brown happens to have found himself planted firmly on the correct side of history but make no mistake - his default setting wasn't "righteous", it was "crazy". While Frederick Douglas, Harriet Tubman and Abby Kelley, among others, are lauded by history books, John Brown is the embarrassing uncle who lives in the bedroom in the attic and sometimes comes downstairs when your friends come over in an untied bathrobe, mumbling about tracking devices in his skull. Killing people indiscrimately doesn't tend to get you a choice seat at the Revolutionaries table.

Thaddeus Stevens
SP
Wears a Cleveland hat.

Two Cy Young awards. One WS MVP. Top 20 all-time in Shutouts, ERA, WHIP.
Now here's someone who history has been a lot more kind to than his contemporaries were. Stevens was every bit the abolitionist that John Brown was but without all the, you know, murdering. Sometimes a system is so corrupt that it can only be shaken up from without, by men of vision and passion. Unfortunately, those who are do choose to revolt are almost always exactly the sort of people who you would never, ever want to lead a nation. So sometimes the real revolutions are led from the inside by career politicians like Stevens, even if their ideas take a long time to catch on. It is when men like Stevens cease being able to affect the direction of our country from within the system that our trek towards irrelevance and "the dustbin of history" will have begun.

Class of 1977

2007-03-12T21:47:00.000-04:00

Mos Def
RF
Wears a Chicago (NL) hat.

ROY winner. 3 MVP's plus 5 other top 5 finishes. Top 20 all-time in HR, Hits, RBI, Runs and SB.
What's there to say about Mos Def? Well, how about this - even white people love Mos Def. And not in the vaguely Stepin Fetchitesque way we embraced MC Hammer. We love him because he's both smart and outspoken, not in spite of it. Plus, and let's be honest here, it's entirely possible that he's actually a better actor than musician, and that'll warm the heart of the snootiest intellectual elite who thinks hip hop has something to do with C&C Music Factory. Mos Def - even beloved by white people.

Gilligan
SP
Wears a Washington hat.

1 Cy Young. Top 20 all-time in Wins, Shutouts, ERA, WHIP and K's.
Gilligan's Island lasted 3 seasons, the same as the original Star Trek. Most people would probably assume both shows lasted longer, due to their constant rotation through syndication. They just SEEM like they went on forever. Plus, any episode is pretty much like any other episode, so it's basically impossible to tell when they roll over. In fact, I'll go ahead and save you the trouble of watching any more episodes:
The castaways find a way off the island.
Gilligan fucks it up.
They do not get to leave.
Actually, between points 2 and 3 should probably go "Group orgy with Mary Ann and Ginger" but they never show it, so I'll leave it out. It's there though, you know it is.

Class of 1976

2007-03-12T21:42:00.000-04:00

Major General John B. Gordon
SP
Wears a Cleveland hat.

1 Cy Young award plus 1 other top 5 finish. Top 20 all-time in 4
statistical categories (Wins, Shutouts, ERA, WHIP).
Confederate general who is known for, among other things, being wounded in combat over and over again. Shot in the calf, upper leg, left arm, shoulder, cheek, head, and quite possibly many more. Upon being shot in the head, Gordon's wife actually ran into the street and yelled at her husband's troops to stop retreating and go face the enemy. Probably didn't like black people.

tysoniowery
SP
Wears a New York (AL) hat.

2 Cy Young awards plus 4 other top 5 finishes. 1 WS MVP award. Top 20 all-time in 4 statistical categories (Wins, Shutouts, ERA, WHIP).
Hooray. I have nothing to say about this. Jojo knows what he did.

Class of 1975

2007-03-12T21:39:00.000-04:00

Grant Hart
SS
Wears a Chicago (NL) hat.

ROY winner. 5 MVP awards plus 2 other top 5 finishes. 1 World Series MVP. Top 20 all-time in 4 categories (Hits, RBI, Runs, SB)
Drummer/Songwriter for legendary Minneapolis post-punk band Husker Du. Is there anything in rock and roll that looks more hideous than a drummer that sings? Drummers aren't rock stars - they're people who hang around with rock stars. Think of the famous drummer/singers. Don Henley. Phil Collins. The dude from The Romantics on "What I Like About You". What do these people have in common? That's right - they're douchebags. There's a reason this is a rare species. There is a process of natural selection at work in rock. If you have a gimmick like a singing drummer or a guy who only plays the flute, chicks will think you're lame, and 80% of the reason for the other guys in the band to hang around with you (to meet chicks at college party gigs) will be gone. So where does Grant Hart fit in? Well 66% of Husker Du, including Hart, was gay. Therefore, that incentive is gone, leaving Grant as the singing drummer. And since every songwriting pair must by law be compared to Lennon/McCartney, I will tell you that Hart was the McCartney to Bob Mould's Lennon.

Class of 1974

2007-03-12T21:28:00.000-04:00

Lolita Haze
3B
Wears a St. Louis hat.

ROY win, 3 MVP wins. 3 other top 5 MVP finishes. Top 20 all-time in 9 statistical categories (HR, Hits, RBI, Runs, Slg, OBP, OPS, Avg, SB)
There are no two ways about it – Nabokov was ahead of his time. Still, let’s be honest here: in real life, Humbert Humbert doesn’t look or act like James Mason. At all.

TARGET
3B
Wears a Brooklyn hat.

ROY win, 1 MVP win. 3 other top 5 MVP finishes. Top 20 all-time in 8 statistical categories (HR, Hits, RBI, Runs, Slg, OBP, OPS, Avg)
Like Wal*Mart, not really the corporate entity but a third-rate alter-ego that bears some tangential relationship to the corporate entity. Still, TARGET’S singlemindedness is occasionally funny, in kind of the same way that saying “Tar-zhay” is funny. In other words, not really, unless you’re a mom.

Francis Macomber
RP
Wears a St. Louis hat.

ROY top 5. 8 Fireman Awards plus 1 other top 5 finish. Top 20 in 3 statistical categories (Saves, ERA, WHIP)
Some people might consider a story about a pathetic middle-aged man who has to go on a hunting trip to prove he’s not a sissy to his castrating wife, only to ultimately be shotgunned to death by the wife because he can’t shoot straight, to be an example of Hemingway’s rampant misogyny. But I’d like to remind you that Papa didn’t truck with no homosexuals either (a theme we will continue to explore in our next biography). Either way, I think we can all agree on this much – don’t take your wife hunting with you.

Jay Gatsby
SP
Wears a St. Louis hat.

8 Cy Young awards plus 3 other top 5 finishes. Top 20 all-time in 5 statistical categories (Wins, Shutouts, ERA, WHIP, K's)
Good Lord did those early 20th century authors dislike women. At least Gatsby had the good sense to live the good life and (presumably) bed a lot of hot New York debutantes before he was destroyed by his love of a woman who, ultimately, probably didn’t give a shit about him anyway.
Zelda Fitzgerald was convinced F. Scott and Ernest Hemingway were having an affair but honestly, she was a woman so what the fuck does she know about the love that dare not speak its name. Hussy.

Class of 1973

2007-03-12T21:20:00.000-04:00

Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor
CF
Wears a New York (NL) hat.

ROY top 5, 2 MVP top 5 finishes. Top 20 in 5 statistical categories (HR, Hits, RBI, Runs, SB)
1991. America has just escaped from the long nightmare of the Gulf War. Desperate for someone, anyone to take their minds off of the harsh realities of early-90's life, like a savior from the heavens along comes Tim Allen to prove that the American sitcom can be taken in completely new directions and America will still respond like they always have. With laughter. From the exasperated wife, to the adorable children, to the bumbling father figure, on Home Improvement as in life no problem will ever last more than 24 minutes. And if that weren't enough, in comes the wacky neighbor, the perenially single coworker and the impossibly hot "Tool Time Girl" to provide more fodder for Tim Allen's unique brand of inoffensive, middle of the road comedy. We were in good hands with Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor for 8 years, getting us through the tough times with comedy that, as your grandma might put it, "is some seriously bland and watered-down shite". Indeed grandma. Indeed.

Kronprins Frederik
SP
Wears a Cincinnati hat.

Top 20 in 5 statistical categories (Wins, Shutouts, ERA, WHIP, K's).
Between the Crown Prince and Prince William in England, it is clear that European royalty has found its niche, and that niche is filled to the brim with SEXY.
Did you know: Prince Frederik's mother, Queen Margrethe II, is an accomplished painter who has contributed art to the Danish editions of The Lord of the Rings, making her the only monarch currently alive to answer to the phrase "Hey, geek". This is contrary to popular opinion which considers her one of two monarchs to answer to that phrase - Prince Charles, of course, only recognizes the phrase, "Hey, sissy."

Tycho Brahe
SP
Wears a Washington hat.

2 Cy Young awards plus 1 other top 5 finish. Top 20 in 5 statistical categories (Wins, Shutouts, ERA, WHIP, K's)
Three things you need to know about Tycho Brahe:
1)He was a brilliant scientist and a fanatical data collector, who nevertheless stuck by the old Ptolemaic system of believing that the Earth was the center of the Universe.
2)He kept a dwarf named Jepp, who he believed was clairvoyant, as a jester. Jepp stayed under the table during dinner.
3)Like seemingly every other brilliant mind of the Enlightenment era, he died by ingesting some sort of horrible poison (mercury, in this case). Not quite brilliant enough to assume that putting every interesting substance they came across into their mouths was not such a great idea.

Class of 1972

2007-03-12T19:12:00.000-04:00

Donkey Kong
RF
Wears a New York (AL) hat.

Top 5 in ROY. Finished in the top 20 in 8 statistical categories (HR, Hits, RBI, Runs, Slg, OBP, OPS, Avg)
Why the hell is his name "Donkey" Kong? That doesn't make any sense. Anyway, Mario's original foil and really, way cooler than King Koopa, especially since the fruit of his loins can kick Mario's ass. At least partially responsible for the Pacific Northwest's Ichiro-mania. Work that one out for yourself.

WAL*BUCKS
LF
Wears a Brooklyn hat.

Top 20 in 6 categories (HR, Hits, RBI, Runs, Slg, OPS)
Apparently some sort of Wal*Mart/Starbucks hybrid. Has never said anything remotely funny, and will hopefully fade into oblivion along with Aflac Duck.

Class of 1971

2007-03-12T18:50:00.000-04:00

Wal*Mart
2B
Wears a New York (AL) hat.

ROY top 5. Top 20 in 4 statistical categories (HR, Hits, RBI, Runs)
Not the corporate giant, but a fairly low-level parody of the corporate giant. About as funny as its namesake's copy of Richard Pryor's landmark comedy album "That Nigger's Crazy". Has a longstanding feud with fellow alter-ego TARGET that is the message board equivalent of dead air.

Joe Strummer
SP
Wears a New York (NL) hat.
8 Cy Youngs, plus 5 other top 5 finishes. Top 20 in 5 statistical categories (Wins, Shutouts, ERA, WHIP, K's)
Punk icon, actor, reggae shill. About as cool as it gets for a graduate of a fruity English boarding school.

Phoenix Lord Baharroth
SP
Wears a Cleveland hat.

1 Cy Young plus 3 other top 5 finishes. Top 20 in 4 statistical categories (Wins, Shutouts, ERA, K's)
"Baharroth is believed to be the finest pupil of Asurmen. He was the winged Phoenix and founder of the Swooping Hawk Aspect."
If you understand what those words mean, there is about a 95% chance that you sweat Mountain Dew and artificial cheese flavoring. Copiously.

Reginald Iolanthe Perrin
SP
Wears a Washington hat.

2 Cy Young awards. 1 World Series MVP. Top 20 in 4 statistical categories (Wins, Shutouts, ERA, WHIP)
From "The Fall and Rise of Reginald Perrin". Most famous for the last episode of the first season where Reginald faked his suicide by leaving his clothes on a beach and running into the ocean. Ironically, he was unsuccessful in his attempt due to the fact that a family of Japanese tourists spotted him and mobbed him, assuming he was filming a British sitcom, since all British sitcoms involve several jokes about pasty old white guys showing the audience their bare ass.

Class of 1970

2007-03-12T18:37:00.000-04:00

Anders Morgenthaler
SS
Wears a New York (NL) hat.

1 MVP win plus 5 other top 5 finishes. Top 5 in ROY. Top 20 in 5 statistical categories (HR, Hits, Runs, Avg, SB).
Some goofy Danish comic strip creator whose sense of humor makes as little sense in English as Ignite's. Possibly funny in Danish.

Lord Dante
RF
Wears a Cleveland hat.

1 MVP top 5 finish. Top 20 in 4 statistical categories (Slg, OBP, OPS, Avg)
LORD DANTE, COMMANDER of the BLOOD ANGELS!
Jesus Christ.

Ron Asheton
2B
Wears a New York (NL) hat.

ROY award winner. 1 MVP plus 1 other top 5 finish. Top 20 in 5 statistical categories (HR, Hits, RBI, Runs, SB)
Once the guitarist for the loudest, most dangerous band on the face of the earth, forming the blueprint for punk music. Now, a big fat guy who happens to have Iggy Pop's phone number.

Billy the Marlin
SP
Wears a New York (AL) hat.

2 Cy Youngs, 4 other top 5 finishes. Top 20 in 5 statistical categories (Wins, Shutouts, ERA, WHIP, K's)
Billy has an official bio and it never once mentions his dildo nose.

Cut-Throat Jake
SP
Wears a Pittsburgh hat.

2 Cy Young awards plus 2 other top 5 finishes. Top 20 in 3 statistical categories (Shutouts, ERA, WHIP)
You probably thought Cut-Throat Jake was a dangerous pirate. That he terrorized the high seas and possibly murdered people for looking at him funny. That he had a plank and it told the story of a thousand sailors who had walked to their doom in the shark-infested Atlantic. You would be wrong. Cut-Throat Jake was the bad guy in some retarded English cartoon.

Class of 1969

2007-03-12T18:29:00.000-04:00

Morrissey
C
Wears a New York (NL) hat.

Top 5 in ROY. 1 MVP, 3 other top 5 finishes. Finished his career in the top 20 in HR, Hits, RBI and Runs. Is an effeminate nancy-boy who writes overwrought, "poetic" song lyrics and doesn't like synthesizers. But at least he's not a ginger like Mick Hucknall.

Yossarian
2B
Wears a St. Louis hat.

1 MVP. Finished in the top 20 for his career in OBP, Slg, OPS and Avg. Is...ah shit, I have nothing clever to write here. Read the book.

Doug E. Fresh
SP
Wears a New York (NL) hat.

5 top 5 finishes in Cy Young. Finished in the top 20 for his career in Wins, Shutouts, ERA, WHIP and K's. Not quite as funny as that guy from Police Academy. Has probably spent more time with Slick Rick than is generally recommended by the Surgeon General.

Megaman
SP
Wears a Detroit hat.

1 Cy Young plus 5 other top 5 finishes. Finished in the top 20 for his career in Wins, Shutouts, ERA, WHIP and K's. For some reason is known as Rockman by the Japanese, which is just more proof that the Japanese are a goddamn weird bunch. Unless, I guess, he's made out of rocks.

Class of 1968 (Initial Class)

2007-03-12T17:58:00.000-04:00

Shawn Michaels
CF/3B
Wears a Chicago (AL) hat

1 MVP, 3 top 5 MVP finishes. Finished his career in the top 20 in HR's, Hits, RBI, Runs, Slg, OBP, OPS and Avg. First pick in the initial OGL draft. Winner of "Most Steroids Used" and "Most Latently Homosexual" Superlatives.

Big Red Bear
CF
Wears a New York (AL) hat.

1 ROY, 4 MVP's, one other top 5 MVP finish. Finished in the top 20 in HR's, Hits, RBI, Runs, Slg, OPS. Is just as adorable as Cornell's attempts to play big-boy sports.

Rev Run
2B
Wears a Chicago (NL) hat.

4 MVP's. Finished in the top 20 in Slg, OBP, OPS and Avg. Once part of the biggest act in hip-hop, is now sort of pathetically irrelevant to the point of attempting an Osbornes-esque reality show. Wears a hat.

The Red Terror
LF
Wears a Cleveland hat.

3 MVP's plus one other top 5 finish. Finished in the top 20 in HR, RBI, Slg, OPS and Avg. Continues to be a piece of molded plastic touched only by hands which have never known the loving caress of a woman.

Youppi!
LF
Wears a New York (AL) hat.

1 MVP plus 5 other top 5 finishes. Finished in the career top 20 in HR, Hits, RBI, Runs, Slg, OBP, OPS, Avg. Is tragically unloved.

Alice
SP
Wears a St. Louis hat.

2 Cy Youngs plus 3 other top 5 finishes. Finished in the top 20 in wins, shutouts, ERA and WHIP. Unanimous HOF selection. Winner of "Most precocious" and "Most likely to have adventures in a dreamworld which scares the crap out of all right-minded children" superlatives.

Beavis
SP
Wears a Boston hat.

4 Cy Youngs plus 3 other top 5 finishes. Finished in the top 20 in wins, shutouts, ERA, WHIP and K's. Unanimous selection. Used to like lighting things on....something. Winner of "Most annoying impression for your idiot buddy to do, 1994-1997" superlative.

Mario Mario
SP
Wears a Detroit hat.

2 Cy Youngs plus 4 other top 5 finishes. Finished in the top 20 in wins, shutouts, ERA, WHIP and K's. Generally considered an archetype for Italian people, all of whom are fat plumbers with ridiculous Old-World accents and questionable taste in clothing. Winner of "Most likely to appear in some crap Nintendo game that had Mario and his friends hastily added to the engine to ensure it'll sell" superlative.