Class of 2002

Jürgen Prochnow
SP
Wears a Pittsburgh hat.

Here are five facts about about internationally-recognized actor Jürgen Prochnow that you may not know:

1) His part in "Das Boot", which made him famous, was originally written as a tightly-wound private investigator in 23rd century New Orleans tasked with tracking down 5 renegade time travelling aliens from the Earth colony orbiting Alpha Centauri. Jürgen insisted that they change it so the setting become 23rd century San Diego, but they butchered it in the editing room and turned it some faggoty submarine movie.

2) He received his trademark pockmarked facial features while tracking down Nazis in the jungles of Brazil and not, as is usually believed, because he went into a plastic surgeon's office and told him to "give me the Edward James Olmos".

3) Uwe Boll has pictures of him raping infants. He passes them around to other filmmakers along what has colloquially become known as the "Prochnow Pipeline".

4) He is the godfather to Shaquille O'Neal's children, but only on Wednesdays and Fridays. The rest of the week, he wanders the streets of Kiel as "Jürgina", a 1920's-era cabaret singer who can bring a sailor to climax within 30 seconds with a single finger. He has never been able to dunk on Shaq but he still tries every time, God bless him.

5) He asked for only one prop from the 1999 Freddie Prinze Jr. vehicle "Wing Commander" - the ship that his character flies in at the beginning. When the producers sent him the scale model used for special effects shots he tracked each and every one of them down and murdered them and their families because he wanted the real fucking ship that flies to the Moon and shit goddammit.