Class of 2008

Lance Alworth
1B
Wears a Milwaukee hat.

Lance Alworth overcame the handicap of being born white to become a pretty good wide receiver, for a white guy. He actually played running back at Arkansas, which will someday be a fact that people view with a mix of shock and amusement, sort of like looking at one of those horrible racist figurines that people who are by no means racist at all collect and display on their knick-knack shelves for all of their white friends to get a kick out of. Anyway, Lance Alworth got to wear everyone's favorite duds for the San Diego Chargers for 9 years, and then unfortunately for him got traded to the Dallas Cowboys (unfortunate since that trade doomed him to eternal torment in the fires of Hell for all eternity) and then some voters felt sorry for him for being so white so they put him in the real Hall of Fame, the football one, but it doesn't matter because everyone gets into that one eventually. So to summarize, Lance Alworth played football and was white, not necessarily in that order, and if he was a shade of paint he'd be eggshell the end.

Class of 2007

Agent Orange
3B
Wears a Pittsburgh hat.

Another weapon that's not an actual weapon, Agent Orange is an herbicide and defoliant, most well-known for its use during the Vietnam War to help clear dense jungle and thus remove concealment for the Vietcong. The problem is that the Agent Orange mixture also contained a dioxin, a nasty chemical which, in high enough doses, causes all sorts of birth defects and assorted health problems. Look up Agent Orange in a google image search and....you'll see. The dioxin poisoning of Victor Yushchenko, the President of Ukraine, made news a few years ago - he used to look like this and then, all of a sudden, he looked like this. Agent Orange was, in other words, not a weapon but a colossal military fuck-up.

Class of 2006

Moritz Bleibtreu
2B/SS
Wears a Chicago (AL) hat.

Moritz Bleibtreu was the dude who totally didn't deserve to have Franke Potente run after his broke ass in Run Lola Run. I don't recognize anything else on his IMDB page...wait, apparently he was in Munich. More on that movie later. For now, let's just chalk this up as another one of drew's bizarre Eurotrash man-crushes. If you want Mr. Bleibtreu's autograph, and you can read German, and you're (probably) drew, check here



Scythe
SS
Wears a New York (AL) hat.

A scythe is a tool that people used to use for harvesting before they invented the wheel or horses or something. I guess people in poor countries still use them. It's associated with Death (who is often pictured lugging it around) because Death is the harvester of souls. It is not associated with Death because he's going to lop your melon off with it. Can you imagine using this unwieldy piece of shit as a weapon, Tom? That's because it's not a weapon. You know how else I know it's not a weapon? Because no matter how many gold pieces you may be lugging around, you will not find one of these fuckers in a weapon shop from Neverwinter to Eastern Shaar. That's right, a D&D reference. You know what else you won't find in a weapon shop? Iron Rations. Have to go to the item shop for that one. But you'd better stock up, because there is literally nothing else to eat anywhere. Well, regular rations, but those are for peasants and blacksmiths and shit, people who don't spend their lives killing dragons and taking their treasure.




Mathieu Kassovitz
SP
Wears a Pittsburgh hat.

Mathieu Kassovitz wants you to know him as a filmmaker - unfortunately, the only English-language film he's made is the Halle Berry vehicle (and all around piece of shit) Gothika. Most likely, you know him either as the weird dude with all the pictures that Amelie inexplicably falls in love with, or the weedy little fucker from Munich who blows his own dumb ass up. Maybe that'll change soon, since he has another English-language movie coming out in 2008; then again, the movie stars Vin Diesel, so maybe not.



Morning Star
SP
Wears a New York (AL) hat.

A morning star is a spiked ball on a stick. Yawn. In Castlevania 2, you can upgrade to the morning star, which isn't really a morning star so much as it is a chain whip with a heavy ball on the end. Castlevania 2 is the black-sheep of the 8-bit Castlevania family, since it's weird and nonlinear and doesn't really have any level bosses. Lots of blocks that are actually bottomless pits though. I happen to like it a lot because I think it's the most evocative and atmospheric - it also has what might be the NES's all-time best soundtrack. The problem is that, without a strategy guide, it's essentially impossible. For instance, there's this one part where, in order to advance, you have to find a certain item, equip it, and then kneel (not stand) in front of a brick wall for like 5 seconds. There are some clues scattered about that indicate you have to do that but they're not terribly explicit - basically, unless you're a genius, you'd never figure it out on your own. There's a lot of Nintendo games like that, because Nintendo wanted to have this really cool system that had lots of difficult titles, but they didn't have the hardware to do it organically, so most of their games either A) are packed with a shitload of enemies, way more than a kid could reasonably be expected to deal with or B) have puzzles that are essentially impossible to solve without a strategy guide. So when you were a kid, and you couldn't beat a game, you thought something must be wrong with you, but in reality it was the game that was fucked. Nobody ever told you that though, so most people my age harbor deep insecurity issues. Fuck you Nintendo.

Class of 2005

Bernie Brewer
3B
Wears a Cleveland hat.

Normally, I'm pretty ambivalent about mascots that involve a dude dressing in a foam rubber imitation of a person. And by ambivalent, I think they're fucking retarded. I mean, isn't this way cooler and less creepy than, say, this? This goes for Halloween costumes too - when you buy a Halloween mask you've basically said to the world, I refuse to put any thought into this costume at all. But I'll give Bernie Brewer a pass because he used to go down his little slide into a mug of beer, and anything that encourages children between the ages of 4 and 11 to consume alcohol is alright in my book.


Fear, Itself
OF
Wears a Kansas City hat.

Franklin Roosevelt once said that the only thing that we have to fear is fear itself. And I guess that's mostly true, unless it turns out that there's a maniac with a knife camped out in your closet, waiting for you to go to sleep so he can eat your eyeballs. In that case, you're probably justified in feeling that there are more immediate problems in your life than fear.


Max, King of the Wild Things
Catcher
Wears a St. Louis hat.

Maurice Sendak's scholarly dissertation on inducing hallucinations in children by temporarily starving them was picked up on by the mainstream media and ultimately made the rounds as the partially dumbed down novel version, "Where the Wild Things Are". Sendak's follow-up, "The Wild Things Experiment with LSD and Peyote", was less successful.


Senator Benjamin Wade
SP
Wears a Detroit hat.

How big of an asshole was Benjamin Wade? When Andrew Johnson was impeached in 1868, he was acquitted by one vote. Now, Johnson was a total asshole. But Wade was an even bigger asshole, and it is said that, were anyone but Senator Wade to take Johnson's place as President (since he was President pro tempore of the Senate, Wade was the first in the line of succession at the time, since Johnson didn't have a VP), Johnson would very probably have been chucked from office. The Senate, ultimately, decided to stick with Johnson's everyday assholery rather than deal with the gargantuan, monumental assholery of Senator Wade. Just look at his picture. You can tell, immediately, that this is an asshole. And he always looks like that in pictures. Like an asshole.

Class of 2004

Ivan Nickolaevich Bezdomny
LF
Wears a New York (NL) hat.

Ivan Nickolaevich Ponyryov (who uses the pseudonym Bezdomny, which means "homeless", as a writer of poetry) is a peripheral character in Mikhail Bulgakov's novel The Master and Margarita. A full English translation can be accessed here. Bezdomny appearances bookend the novel, which revolves around the appearance of the devil in Moscow (as a dapper, refined gentleman, and isn't he always these days). The book was written between 1928 and 1940 - Bulgakov died in 1940, having mostly finished his novel, but it didn't actually see the light of day until 1966, when it was serialized, in an edited version, in Moscow magazine. The edits may have softened the blow but it was still a subversive, anti-establishment work, and it quickly became a contemporary classic, passed around and discussed by the Russian intelligentsia. It supposedly holds a particular high place in the psyche of the Russian people - it has been adapted a handful of times into other media, but there are stories (like with Don Quixote) of a curse on them, including one version that was filmed in 1994 and, like the original novel, was buried, this time for copyright reasons, although DVD versions have since appeared.

This is a pretty comprehensive site about the novel, if anyone is interested.

(Mikhail Bulgakov)

Class of 2003

Ian Curtis
SP
Wears a New York (NL) hat.

Ian Curtis, for those who don't know, was the singer/lyricist/Gloommaster General of seminal post-punk band Joy Division. If you've never listened to Joy Division, you should go do so right now. Unless...you've ever thought to yourself, "you know what song I really like? "Proud to be an American" by Lee Greenwood". If that's the case, go kill yourself.

If you're still alive, you're doing better than Ian Curtis, who is definitely not. The answer to this mystery is: Ian Curtis, with a rope, in the kitchen. Most people who write dour, gloomy, borderline suicidal lyrics are really well-adjusted, sane, happy people, right? Well, not this one - he did all of those things, and he was actually totally fucked up. So he put on The Idiot and watched a lesser-known Werner Herzog movie, Stroszek, and hanged himself (Werner Herzog, by the way, is totally still alive and we're all the better for it; Iggy Pop is also still alive, and that one's a mystery to just about everyone). So his band dissolved, but then they said fuck it and reformed themselves as New Order and they added a nice, happy chick and decided to make nice, happy music . Eventually. First they made sad, Curtis-y music. It gives me some amount of pleasure to imagine that yes, "Blue Monday", their biggest post-Curtis hit, is in fact about Ian Curtis, mostly because it would be the most perfectly catty response to someone who did themselves in and left the rest of their band hanging. If the Doors had written a song called, "Go Fuck Yourself You Pompous Fucking Asshole" right after Jim Morrison drowned in his bathtub or whatever "romantic" rock and roll death he gave himself which is actually just another disgusting, fleshy, rotten death, then I would respect them. But instead they help perpetuate the myth of Morrison as some high and mighty rock God instead of the pathetic, self-absorbed, needy junkie that he actually was, so fuck them.

In other words, Curtis made awesome music, but there is nothing in the least bit romantic about offing yourself at 24 because you'd rather live up to some retarded fucking rock and roll myth than get some help for your problems and make more than 3 goddamn albums that we have to play over and over in lieu of, you know, having you still around.

Class of 2002

Jürgen Prochnow
SP
Wears a Pittsburgh hat.

Here are five facts about about internationally-recognized actor Jürgen Prochnow that you may not know:

1) His part in "Das Boot", which made him famous, was originally written as a tightly-wound private investigator in 23rd century New Orleans tasked with tracking down 5 renegade time travelling aliens from the Earth colony orbiting Alpha Centauri. Jürgen insisted that they change it so the setting become 23rd century San Diego, but they butchered it in the editing room and turned it some faggoty submarine movie.

2) He received his trademark pockmarked facial features while tracking down Nazis in the jungles of Brazil and not, as is usually believed, because he went into a plastic surgeon's office and told him to "give me the Edward James Olmos".

3) Uwe Boll has pictures of him raping infants. He passes them around to other filmmakers along what has colloquially become known as the "Prochnow Pipeline".

4) He is the godfather to Shaquille O'Neal's children, but only on Wednesdays and Fridays. The rest of the week, he wanders the streets of Kiel as "Jürgina", a 1920's-era cabaret singer who can bring a sailor to climax within 30 seconds with a single finger. He has never been able to dunk on Shaq but he still tries every time, God bless him.

5) He asked for only one prop from the 1999 Freddie Prinze Jr. vehicle "Wing Commander" - the ship that his character flies in at the beginning. When the producers sent him the scale model used for special effects shots he tracked each and every one of them down and murdered them and their families because he wanted the real fucking ship that flies to the Moon and shit goddammit.

Class of 2001

Reggie White
3B
Wears a Milwaukee hat.

Reggie White was some kind of "football" player who had a whole bunch of "sacks". That was, at one time, what made him famous.

I recently watched the Errol Morris documentary Mr. Death, about a man (Fred Leuchter) who essentially stumbles into the Holocaust denial movement because he is unable (or unwilling) to accept the limitations of his own knowledge, and becomes a pariah because of it. The parallels to Reggie White (and other naifs of the evangelical persuasion, especially in the world of athletics) should be obvious, but in case they aren't let me spell them out - the vast majority of people know Reggie White mostly as that big fat guy who said that Asian people were good at turning televisions into watches and Mexicans were good at squeezing a lot of people into a house, and nasty things about gay people like this lovely gem:

"Homosexuality is a decision, it's not a race. People from all different ethnic backgrounds live in this lifestyle. But people from all different ethnic backgrounds also are liars and cheaters and malicious and back-stabbing."

So Reggie became a pariah, and now there's nothing anyone can do about it because he's dead, and that's too bad because maybe Reggie, like Leuchter, was just too goddamn stupid to realize what he'd done, but maybe unlike Leuchter he might one day have sought atonement for the hubris that caused him to believe he had all the answers.

Class of 2000

Sanath Jayasuriya
2B
Wears a Cincinnati hat.

Sanath Jayasuriya is a Sri Lankan cricket batsman, perhaps the most accomplished in that country's illustrious cricketing history. That's what wikipedia tells me anyway, and who am I to argue? He's also a pretty ugly dude, which wikipedia "forgot" to mention, so maybe it is as untrustworthy as people say.

I think I'm starting to get the hang of this cricket thing. The "bowler" (he's like a pitcher in baseball) chucks the ball towards the batter. His job (the bowler's) is to dislodge the wicket stump that the batter is protecting and not, contrary to popular belief, to throw the ball hard enough to send it back in time from which it will be impossible to hit it. The batter protects the wicket by hitting the ball, but since he has one of those flat wooden cricket bats (descended from American fraternity paddles) he can hit the ball in a lot of directions - forwards (like in baseball) or sideways, backwards and, well, that's about it. But that's still a lot. He then runs between the two wickets and he gets runs based on how many laps he completes. Or something like that. Meanwhile fielders go retrieve the ball and, I don't know, peg it at the runner's head to try to get him out. The game has a hell of a lot of run-scoring and matches only end based on some complicated formula that only people from the Indian subcontinent can understand which, quite frankly, is probably the only reason they love the game so damn much in the first place. It's not so unlike baseball, and even pays tribute to its American cousin with a history of ugly racism.


Squatch
SP
Wears a New York(AL) hat.

Who's the Typhoid Mary of "NBA mascots have to entertain the crowd by performing trampoline dunks between quarters"? I think I read somewhere that it was the Suns Gorilla, but I don't know if that's right. Anyway, Squatch is the Seattle (no longer Super) Sonics mascot, and he looks like Teen Wolf (a movie, incidentally, which I have never seen and which is on my lifetime boycott list for relatively petty and childish reasons).

Squatch in action:


Doesn't it seem kind of sucky that Squatch gets all the glory while the people not dressed in costumes do all the heavy lifting? Plus they have to wear tacky yellow shirts, not awesome chick-magnet costumes.

On his own this time, squatch throwing down in what looks like a high school gym, earning some money on the side as well as scouting prospects for the future (or, I guess, current) Mrs. Squatch:

Class of 1999

Cocky
2B
Wears a New York (AL) hat.

I'm going to let Cocky's official biography tell his story:

Cocky first took action at USC events in 1980 when he came in to take over his father (Big Spur's) place. Cocky soon won the hearts off all the Gamecock fans all over and now is one of the most recognizable figures to young and old at USC.

I'll leave out the obvious Michael Vick joke here, but it's a bit surprising that the PETA people aren't as vocal as the Native Americans when it comes to borderline offensive nicknames like "Gamecocks". Leaving that aside though, the mascot's main claim to fame is probably his association with hats that adorn the heads of douchebag frat boys (and too-old-to-be-frat-boys-but-still-just-as-retarded-men) the world over stating, simply and quite proudly, "Cocks". If that's not enough hilarity for you, another quote from Cocky's official bio:

One of Cocky's trademarks that is highly recognized by all Gamecock fans is his 2001 Magic Box entrance.

No comment.



Harry Truman
2B
Wears a Baltimore hat.

Harry Truman was a little nerd with glasses who hated, in this order, Japanese people, Korean people, people who smoked corncob pipes, other nerds with glasses who wore coonskin caps, and cocksuckers who asked him what the S stood for. He is probably most famous for being absolutely delighted to learn that he had been beaten in the Presidential election by Thomas Dewey, only to learn later that the news had been a mistake and Truman had actually won, after which he went into a deep funk that he only re-emerged from when the Cardinals finally won the Series again in '64. In his later years he became infamous for his crotchety reclusiveness, and he ultimately died, friendless and alone, in a cabin on Mount St. Helens in the 1980 eruption of that volcano (Thanks to Whiskybear for pointing me toward the relevant portion of his biography that discusses his bizarre death).



Rorschach
2B/RF
Wears a St. Louis hat.

Who is Rorschach? Well, he's a guy who wears a weird mask and, sort of, fights crime. If fighting crime involves things like murdering rapists in cold blood. He's an archetype of a certain character, found often in comic books, who uses any means necessary to fight the "forces of evil", and who is supposed to be some sort of hero, at least in the eyes of the reader. He was based directly on The Question, created by Steve Ditko (a noted Ayn Rand enthusiast, and if you can't suss out how I feel about Ayn Rand, you haven't been paying attention), but aspects of the character show up in many, many superheroes - The Punisher is basically Rorschach played completely straight. Which is actually kind of frightening, since it's a book that's targeted at kids.

Anyway, if you think Rorschach's point of view seems kind of right on and you can totally did what this cat is saying, you're probably Michael Savage, which would lead me to ask you why the fuck you were reading my blog, and to suggest that you're almost certainly a closeted homosexual. If you're not a fascist, and I hope you're not, then you are probably repulsed by Rorschach, even while you kind of admire his complete devotion to his absolutist views. Rorschach's decision at the end of Watchmen, and the consequences of that decision (both for him and the for world at large) are the stuff of legend, and have cemented his legacy (in my not-at-all-objective opinion) as one of the great characters of 20th century literature.

Class of 1998

Nike, Inc.
SP
Wears a Kansas City hat.

Nike was incorporated in 1971 with the express goal of branding everything in existence, and turning that marketing power into a company that is a global icon. But Nike isn't about brands or profits or corporate hegemony. It's about people. Like Jesus Carrilo, 12, in Guadalajara:

"I have been working at Nike for 8 years and in that time I have made almost 10% of the money that I need to ransom my sister from the Cartel. Thinking of the look on her face when I rescue her makes the 18 hours fly by."

Or how about Kaliyanei Meang, 15, of Sisophon:

"They gave the girls at the orphanage two options - become sex slaves, or work at the Nike factory. And whenever I find myself having envious thoughts of those other girls, I just remember that death comes the same for all of us, whether your life is the living hell of the workshop or not."

Or, last but not least Ramelan Swie, 13, of Jakarta:

"They say the left side is the weak, or feminine, side. I am thankful to the cutting machine for removing my left arm, because it has left me with only the masculine arm, and that will ultimately make me stronger."

It is people that Nike serves, and people that are its greatest asset. As Nike pitchman Michael Jordan might say, "Get that fucking camera away from me, I don't know where the fucking shoes were made."

Just do it.

Class of 1997

Lt. General James Longstreet
OF/1B
Wears a Cleveland hat.

James Longstreet was a general who fought for the Confederacy during the Civil War under General Robert E. Lee. Maybe you knew that already, but I didn't, and I come from Northern Virginia, so I didn't want to assume.

Has there ever been a war that tested the notion that the victors write the history books more than the American Civil War? Lee is revered, in the north and the south, as an almost divine figure; Longstreet, who became a Republican and tried to take a hand during Reconstruction, is treated like a turncoat and a pariah. The Civil War is one of the few that has a clear distinction between the side that is fighting for something that is morally right and that which is fighting for something that is morally wrong, and yet those on the "wrong" side have often come out cleaner than those on the "right" side when all is said and done. Granted, much of that is due to the specific actions of those in the "right" (I'm looking at you, Sherman) but the fact is that not too many people who have fought a war against the United States have enjoyed the sort of posthumous popularity that certain Confederate figures have.



Marcus Trescothick
SS
Wears a Cincinnati hat.

Marcus is an English cricketer who has participated in more than 75 test matches for the English national team, whatever the fuck that means. You'll be glad to know that the English are just as unimaginative when it comes to nicknames as us Yanks are - Marcus's nickname is "Tresco". Continuing along the theme that we began with Brian Lara, Marcus also has his own game - Marcus Trescothick's Cricket Coach. If you enjoyed the riveting action and excitement of NFL Head Coach, but you love an even more esoteric sport, why not check out Marcus Trescothick's Cricket Coach? It's a wicked googly!

Class of 1996

Florian Schneider
3B
Wears a Detroit hat.

Florian is one half (with Ralf Hutter) of the core duo that makes up legendary German electropop pioneers Kraftwerk. You can always pick out Florian in group photos - he's the one with the big nose. Besides having one of the most distinctive catalogs in popular music, the band is famous for being incredibly reclusive - Johnny Marr of the Smiths tells of repeatedly phoning and mailing their studio to try to talk with them to no avail, finally being told by the record company to call on a specific date at a specific time. When he called the studio, Hutter picked up the phone without a single ring. Does music influence the people in the band or is the music a reflection of who they are? After years of playing psychedelic hippie folk for burnouts, David Crosby ended up a burned out hippie relic of the 60's. Kraftwerk played robotic music about machines - they are now seemingly devoid of any real human connections. And after years of singing self-righteous anthems, Bono is an insufferable douchebag. It's probably a little bit of both.



Gus Orviston
RF
Wears a St. Louis hat.

Gus Orviston is the main character in David James Duncan's book, The River Why, a novel about fly fishing, obsession, weird families and....some spiritual shit. I don't know, I haven't read it. Those Pacific Northwesterners sure do love themselves some fishing. Put it this way - if you're totally down with Jesus and think he's pwns all, read A River Runs Through It (yes, the book that was made into the movie with Brad Pitt; no, not the one that he spends the whole damn thing shirtless, that's Legends of the Fall). If you think Jesus kind of sux0rs, but still think that fly-fishing is a spiritual experience and it pwns all, read The River Why. I don't know if that's right, but I bet it would look good printed on the back of the dust jacket.

Class of 1995

Bronko Nagurski
1B
Wears a St. Louis hat.

A 235-lb. Ukrainian/Canadian Adonis, Bronko Nagurski carried the ball (and played defensive lineman) for the Chicago Bears from 1930 to 1937 and again in 1943, when the war caused a player shortage. He was also a professional wrestler, but I'll just go ahead and pretend that didn't happen, for Jack Palance's sake.

As the great Burgess Meredith once said, Bronko "Waa waa waa waa waa". No wait, that's not right. He "ate lightning and crapped thunder" except picture crusty old Burgess Meredith saying it. His career-best 586 yards on the ground in 1934 has only ever been surpassed by....well, everyone who can walk upright and carried a football out of the backfield for a football team from the pro level down to Pop Warner. But that must have been hot shit back in 1934 because Bronko went into the Hall of Fame as a charter member in 1963 and he was a member of the NFL's 75th anniversary team. Truth be told, he was probably a complete meathead, but there's something endearing about those old-timey, black-and-white, the bully-just-kicked-sand-in-my-face-so-I'll-send-away-for-the-Charles-Atlas-program-and-show-him meathead. At least you know he never wore Zubaz.

Class of 1994

Sancho Panza
SP
Wears a St. Louis hat.

(Guest written by whiskybear)
The straight man to his master Don Quixote's bumbling incompetent, Sancho Panza is an agent of empiricism in Cervantes' masterpiece. While the knight errant is gripped by his fairytale quest, Sanco describes for his master the world as it actually appears -- the windmills are not giants, they are windmills; the sheep herds are not columns of advancing infantry, they are sheep herds; the wineskins are not dragons, they are wineskins (and a terrible waste to pierce with one's lance). But just as Don Quixote blindly pursues his own heroic idiom (derived from the books of chivalry that were essentially pulp novels of the 16th Century), Sancho willfully deludes himself into thinking that he will follow his master - -this frail and quite obviously insane man, who indiscriminately attacks windmills and wineskins with equal fervor -- all the way to the halls of Valhalla, where fame and untold riches await. To follow the master, the servant abandons home, family, and vocation (Farmer? Shepherd? Mudpile-mover-arounder?). In his novel, Cervantes poses to the reader an honest question: Between master and servant, which one is the more delusional?

Class of 1993

Romesh Kaluwitharana
C
Wears a Cincinnati hat.

(guest written by velguth)
Quite unlike with Brian Lara, who I got to know a lot about and is a true star in world cricket, Kaluwitharana got his name almost entirely because he has a funny name. "Romesh" + six syllables? Hell, yeah! I mean, a boatload of Sri Lankans have long, funny names, but Romesh had one of the best.
It should be said that he was the wicketkeeper for the Sri Lankan national team in that 1999 World Cup that introduced me to cricket. So he must have been fairly good, as I bet there were a few million other Sri Lankan lads willing to play that role. And as I look him up, I find adjectives like "diminutive" and descriptions like "extremely popular" and "loved for his perma-smile behind the stumps". And apparently he did some great things in the 1996 World Cup. But that's all news to me. I just liked the name.

(Commentary by FuriousGiorge)
Sri Lanka used to be called Ceylon. It is shaped like a tear drop. They grow a lot of tea. Arthur C. Clarke lives there and is able to maintain dual citizenship, which is a nice side benefit of coming from a country that once controlled something like 50% of the world's brown people. Like, of course, Romesh Kaluwitharana.

Steve Jones
1B/RF
Wears a New York (NL) hat.

I think it's safe to say that Steve Jones is the coolest ever punk who also has Peter Sutcliffe's dodgy perm. Johnny Rotten may have been the public face of the Sex Pistols when it still existed, and Sid Vicious may have become the unfortunate public face of the band after its dissolution, but Steve Jones was the person most responsible for whatever musical quality the band possessed. Never Mind the Bollocks.... is a misunderstood album in many ways - it's regarded as this raw, un-selfconscious punk opus, but in reality it's as slickly produced as any horrible 80's hair metal album. The guitars, in particular, are overtracked and give the album its distinctive sound. It's not the sound of a punk band on stage, but it's an interesting sound nonetheless and it's Steve Jones that makes it unique.

Paul Weller claims the Pistols stole the riff for "Holidays in the Sun" from The Jam's "In the City" but no one really cares what Paul Weller thinks anymore.


?uestlove
RP
Wears a St. Louis hat.

This made me laugh:

Henry Adaso: Realistically, how long do you think The Roots has as a group?
?uestlove: Rich [Nichols] thinks we have four more relevant records in us, before we become the Neville Brothers or the Rolling Stones.

Take that, Aaron Neville! And, the other Neville Brothers! Whoever the hell you are! The Roots are at the forefront of the burgeoning Philadelphia Hip-Hop Scene which I probably just made up right now but which seems like it should exist if only to wipe the horrible aftertaste of The Band Which I Will Not Name But Which Also Comes From Philadelphia out of my mouth. The Roots are as good as advertised. I'm even willing to forgive them for their close association with professional wigger Scott Storch. Here's a question that has (almost) nothing to do with ?uestlove - why are rappers always talking about/sampling/working with Coldplay? It's puzzling. It's as if George Clinton was constantly playing covers of songs by Bread or Air Supply.

Class of 1992

Brian Lara
RF
Wears a Cincinnati hat.

(Guest written by velguth)
I first started paying attention to cricket in the 1999 World Cup. Working with a New Zealander and an Indian who were big fans of their national teams, I adopted the West Indies as my team to support, largely on the grounds that they were the only team that mattered from the Western Hemisphere. Brian Lara was by far their best player, and still is. Essentially he's been the only "world class" player they've had during the last decade or so, which is kind of sad because in the past (e.g. 1980's) the West Indies were as good as anyone in world cricket.

Anyway, Lara quickly became my favorite player. He's a proud black dude with an attitude somehow more remniscent of U.S. athletes than most cricket "gentlemen". He's outspoken, often selfish, and not a particularly good leader (he was stripped of national team captaincy -- a big deal -- at least once). Vaguely Iversonian. And he's also been erratic over his career, with extended highs and extended lows, perhaps best likened to Jaromir Jagr's career arc.

But in his good stretches, he's a monster. At times he gets called "probably the best batsman in the world". Of the 10 greatest batting performances in the history of cricket, he probably has 3 of them (more than any other player). He periodically wins matches ENTIRELY by himself with his batting. Even when he's been scuffling for a while, every opponent fears him getting back on track that day. Basically, and I wouldn't say this about perhaps any other cricketer, he's a bad ass.

(FuriousGiorge's comment on the guest-bio):
Did you know that they make a cricket game for the PS2? Of course you did, how silly of me. And on the cover? None other than Mr. Lara himself. That's right - for sheer, mind-numbing....awesomeness, it's Brian Lara Cricket 2007. Not sold yet? Okay, here are some funny cricket words:

Gazunder
Googly
Hoik
Jaffa
Perfume ball
Quack trick
Slog
Windy Wush
Zooter

Cricket - it's not just for twee British fairies anymore. Okay, it's still mostly for twee British fairies, but occasionally a bad motherfucker like Brian Lara slips through.



Capital City Goofball
Everywhere
Wears a New York (AL) hat.

Capital City Goofball is the mascot for the Capital City Capitals. He is big and goofy and looks a bit like the Phillie Phanatic. If you think the Phillie Phanatic is inherently funny, well, first of all, you're probably 7 years old. And second, you probably think the Goofball is hilarious. These are the Goofball's funniest lines:
"Ah Mancini. The mascot's best friend."
"If there's anything I can do for you, just squeeze the wheeze."
He only featured prominently in one episode, that crappy one where Homer tells the story about going to the big leagues as a second-rate mascot and going down in flames. Occasionally he still shows up out of nowhere in an episode, like the unloved version of Bumblebee Man or Sideshow Mel. And he honks his fucking nose. Pure. Comedy. Gold.


Tony Reali
SS
Wears a Cleveland hat.

I could go both ways on Tony Reali. On the one hand, he seems like kind of a douchebag. On the other hand, I could easily believe that he's just a dude who plays a douchebag on TV. We can all probably agree on this - he's no Max Kellerman, mostly because he's not borderline retarded. Have I mentioned that Jay Mariotti is a cum-guzzler in this bio yet? Oh, I guess I just did. So, in conclusion, Jay Marrioti guzzles cum.


Don Quixote de la Mancha
SP
Wears a St. Louis hat.

I'll be honest - I've never read the novel. If you want a proper bio of the man read the book or, perhaps more appropriately, the Cleland Notes version. So I'm no expert on Don Quixote the character, but what I do know about are urban legends and movies. Cervantes, in the original text of Don Quixote, wrote:

For me alone was Don Quixote born,
and I for him; he to act, and I to record;
in a word, we were destined for each other...
let the wearied and mouldering bones
of Don Quixote rest in the grave...

This was directed at another author who wrote and published an unauthorized sequel, but the message remains clear - don't fuck with Don Quixote, or Don Quixote will fuck with you. Orson Welles attempted to film Don Quixote: he died before he could finish it. Fernando Rey died while he was filming a version for Spanish television. The film version of Man of La Mancha is...sort of a piece of shit. Okay, that's a bit weak. But the big one was when Terry Gilliam attempted to film his version (The Man Who Killed Don Quixote) - flash floods, a star that developed a double hernia and could no longer film his scenes, color changes that made earlier shots unusable, fighter jets that wiped out dialogue on the soundtrack. Just a disaster from day one, a movie that would not be made. Cervantes, it seems, is a petty son of a bitch, even from beyond the grave (Orson Welles got some measure of revenge when he put his own curse on Heart of Darkness, and you can ask Martin Sheen how that one worked out).

Class of 1991

Clara Barton
3B
Wears a Washington hat.

Clara Barton was, without question, one of the great humanitarians in the history of the world, a tireless and selfless woman who did so much good that it is almost unfathomable. She also once murdered, in cold blood, every man, woman and child in the small Texas hamlet of Bridgeport because a rumor reached her ears that a man living in the town called her a "wide-hipped cow with the bosom of an 8-year old girl". I leave it to you to decide whether her charitable acts balance that heinous crime out.


Ruby Faucette
SS/3B
Wears a St. Louis hat.

Ruby Faucette was born on April 25, 1898 to Joseph and Eustice Faucette in Tucker, Mississippi. The young Ruby was noted for being exceptionally bright and curious, and it is this curiosity that would fuel her interest in biology, physics and the black arts. The little girl was known for being restless, even for a denizen of this sleepy town, and at 18 she took a train to San Francisco, where she boarded a steamer to the Orient be tutored by the mysterious Li Shoon in the use of black magicks. When Ruby was next spotted in San Francisco, in late 1965, she had refashioned herself, through occult rituals known only to herself, as a man by the name of Danny Glover. Ruby was able to live out an entire lifetime as Glover, becoming a very succesful actor and political activist, and her secret was only known by a select few. Upon the apparent death of Glover in 2023, from "natural causes" (in which no body was displayed at the funeral, and the coffin was placed in an unmarked grave), Faucette once again disappeared, and her whereabouts at this time are unknown. It is to be guessed that she has assumed a new identity, having become weary of the old one (and the difficult questions that an unaging Danny Glover would bring about), and this identity will make itself known soon.

Class of 1990

Hairy Dawg
3B
Wears a Cincinnati hat.

This is the mascot for the University of Georgia Bulldogs. His name is Uga and he (or one of has ancestors) has been around since 1958, long enough to be considered a venerable tradition. Here is another picture of a University of Georgia mascot Can you see the difference? I'll give you a minute. Okay, give up? The first is a real dog, which is cool even if its ripped off from Yale, and the second is a fucking muppet who looks vaguely like a dog. If you were to read this USA Today article, you would have to come to the conclusion that the writers either A) have terrible taste in mascots or B) are idiots. Because either they really love Hairy Dawg, or they (more likely) think Uga is Hairy Dawg. But he is not. And Hairy Dawg sucks.

(The only thing that makes Hairy Dawg remotely palatable is a sexy coed.)

Class of 1989

Bosco "B.A." Baracus
LF
Wears a Washington hat.

You might think BA was just Mr. T with a cool van but that's where you're wrong, jack - BA was afraid of flying and Mr. T isn't. I guess. That is just one of ones of distinctions between Mr. T and BA Baracus. BA, of course, was the handyman of the A-Team, as well as being the token. He eschewed subterfuge for less subtle, punchier solutions, presumably because he's incredibly stupid and can't figure out that a more reasonable haircut and less gold chains would help him blend in better.
The A-Team perfected their own unique version of the Stormtrooper Effect - not only could the bad guys not hit the broad side of a barn with fully automatic weapons, but the A-Team was equally inept with anything other than high explosives aimed at structures and vehicles. This, of course, is a solution to the problem of, "how do we get real weapons into the hands of these soldiers of fortune without actually having to kill anyone onscreen?" So bullets ricochet off of the ground and buildings and the van (I guess) and the audience simply has to overlook the question of how this gang that can't shoot straight can solve so many problems, because it's the 80's and people wore leg-warmers for Christ's sake, so who cares about a little bit of crappy shooting from the crack commando unit that was sent to prison by a military court for a crime they didn't commit.


Morris Thorpe
CF
Wears a Washington hat.

Morris Thorpe was one of the players for Ken Reeves' Carver High basketball squad. Could this show, as it was constructed in 1978, be made today? Despite what Bill Simmons might personally think, I believe that the answer to that question is no. This question always comes up when talking about politically charged shows like "All in the Family" (which could easily be made today, especially on a network willing to take chances). But "The White Shadow", where a white former NBA player comes in to fix the problems of an urban, predominantly black high school? Not only does that not make any sense, with good white players in the NBA all being weird and foreign, but the "older white person fixes black younger students" trope is deader than dead and, unless you're Hillary Swank's agent, is absolutely untouchable as a serious premise.
It should also be noted that "The White Shadow" clearly takes place in the Tommy Westphall universe and, therefore, can be considered a figment of an autistic kid's imagination. Take that, Simmons.

Class of 1987

Myrtle Sykes
LF/3B
Wears a Detroit hat.

Nickname – Sykesy1210
Sex – Female
Age – 82

Personal details
Profile type – Single
Sex – Female
Children – 1, grown
Want children – I’m too old for more!
Date of birth – 1924, May, 21
Height – 4’10” (I think I’m shrinking!)
Body type – Petite
Marital status – Widowed
Income – 30,000 – 50,000/year
Smoker – no
Drinker – rarely

Details of the person you are looking for
I’m looking for a – male
Ranging in age – 60-85
Relationship – Friendship, Romance, Relationship, Marriage, Casual, Travel Partner

Description
I am a blue-eyed, white-haired (used to be blonde) woman with a zest for life. I have been widowed for 10 years and would like to re-enter the dating scene, but I don’t know where to start!

Ideal match description
I am looking for a gentleman who knows how to treat a lady. Specifically, he must be familiar with/have hands-on experience with hardcore bondage/S&M play. Bi-curious is okay, but no one who has had strictly homosexual relationships as they tend to have trouble looking outside of traditional male/female gender roles. Familiarity with torture and autosadism are also pluses, although these can be learned. Nonsmoker preferred.


Corey Maggette
SP
Wears a Pittsburgh hat.

1 top 10 finish in Cy Young voting. Top 20 all-time in ERA and WHIP.

Why is Corey Maggette here? That is a question that has puzzled top scientists from all over the world for weeks, if not months. But why ask those eggheads who can send a man to the moon but can’t figure out how to get that mustard stain out of my favorite green shirt? Let’s go right to the source.

Q: Corey, why are you on a team that is dedicated to men who are exceptionally attractive?
A: Fuck if I know. Look at me. My eyes are too far apart, I have a squashed head, a big wide nose and HUGE lips, even for a black dude.

Q: Perhaps it’s your physique that garnered you a spot amongst the other Adonises playing for Pittsburgh?
A: Well, I keep myself in good shape, that’s true. But no more so than most of the players in the NBA. And just between you and me, I have a tiny penis.

Q: Fascinating. So is there any aspect of you that’s better than average, physically?
A: I have really nice eyelashes. I’ve been told that they “make me look like a bitch” by several teammates.

Q: Thank you, Corey.
A: Any time.

Class of 1986

Hazel Mills
SS
Wears a Detroit hat.

ROY winner. 3 MVP's plus 2 other top 5 finishes and 3 other top 10 finishes. 1 WS MVP. Top 20 all-time in Runs, OBP, Avg and SB.

How do you put the life of Hazel Mills into words? Philosophers have struggled with this task for almost 50 years now. Because philosophers are idiots, considering that she wrote an autobiography, and all the words are right there. A few excerpts (all excerpts are from "My Life: A Book With Words About Me" by Hazel T. Mills, copyright 1934 Amalgamated Powders and Paper Pressings, Duluth MN)

"...his hands were rough. And small, surprisingly small. I'd always been told that the negro had large hands, but it wasn't true. Those hands began to undo my blouse, and I knew right then that the passion of the colored man had not been exaggerated. He began to suck...."

"...it was long and hard in my hand. And shiny, very shiny when I pulled it out. I never hesitated, I simply pulled the trigger and shot the Chinaman, just like that, unfeeling. I hit him in the left shoulder. The Jew lawyer I hired said I was lucky, two inches to his right and I'd have been looking at murder one. But I knew different, that the Chinaman and his yellow brethren would never relent until they controlled the power structures from Fresno to Buffalo. And I have been proven right with time. Fortunately, Sadie Franklin knew how to make gunpowder, and when we had 6 full barrels of it we drove to...."

"....there was no way I was selling my farm to a filthy wop. So I burned it. I'm not ashamed. Sure, I mourned Daniel. I carried him for 9 months, it's always painful to lose a child. But maybe it was for the best - the boy was slow. He was destined to be a shoe shiner or some other degrading position because of his low mental capacity. And I sure as hell wasn't going to watch one of my offspring doing a job that only coloreds and Mexicans are fit for. It's disgraceful. Truth be told, it wasn't the first time I'd attempted to kill Daniel - when he was 7 I attempted to slip arsenic into his cereal but was stopped by...."



William Reid
SP
Wears a New York (NL) hat.

2 Cy Young awards plus 5 other top 10 finishes. Top 20 all-time in Wins, Shutouts and K's.

William Reid was one-half (with his brother Jim) of the core duo that made up the Jesus and Mary Chain. Here is a fascinating video (if you're into that sort of thing) that gives you a good idea of their relationsihp with their audience, and includes the North London Poly Riot (it's a bit jittery). The band was famous for playing short gigs, with their backs to the audience, consisting mostly of feedback. You might think that's a dickish thing to do. But here's the thing - it's an extremely dickish thing to do. The band doesn't care. In fact, the band is just as happy if you ignore them. Which, most likely, you have. But maybe you won't ignore them any more, and you'll go out and listen to Psycho Candy. And you'll probably hate it. But you'll listen to it a few more times and then you'll think "You know, I still kind of hate this, but I can't stop listening to it." And that's the Jesus and Mary Chain in a nutshell. You hate them, but deep down you love them. Believe me, they know. They know.

Class of 1985

Matt Leinart
2B
Wears a Pittsburgh hat.

ROY winner. 3 MVP awards plus 3 other top 5 finishes, 1 other top 10 finish. Top 20 all-time in HR, Hits, RBI, Runs.

Most football players, presumably, get into the sport because they are A)d riven by an overbearing parent, B) supremely athletically gifted, C) poor or D) some combination of all three. Matt Leinart is none of these things. He got into football, one can only assume, because he watched Heaven Can Wait, got it confused with Shampoo, and determined that football was his ticket to a lifetime supply of pussy. It turns out, of course, that Matt is right, but his punishment is one illegitimate kid (so far) and a lifetime of "herpes must be a real bitch" wisecracks after he stuck it in Queen Skank the Flatchested. I'm guessing he's okay with the trade-off.



Josh Holloway
RP
Wears a Pittsburgh hat.

3 top 5 finishes in Fireman voting, 1 top 10. Top 20 all-time in WHIP.

I'm going to come right out and say it - if Josh Holloway wasn't playing Sawyer, he seems like the sort of guy who would be imminently punchable. The long hair, the stubble, the "I'm going to steal your woman and there's nothing you can do about it" attitude - only the off-the-chart coolness of James "Sawyer" Ford keeps Holloway from daily cock-punchings. Okay, the cock-punchings are entirely in my mind but still, he would deserve every single one of them. For the sake of Mr. Holloway's theoretical testes satchel, I hope "Lost" continues until he's an old man and morphs from "probable dickhead" to "eccentric old horndog" like Jack Nicholson.

Class of 1984

Duff Man
C
Wears a New York (AL) hat.

ROY winner. 9 MVP awards plus two other top 5 finishes and 1 top 10 finish. Top 20 all-time in HR, Hits, RBI, Runs.

How do you make fun of something that's already supposed to be a parody? That's easy, by making fun of the show that's doing the parody. But I'm a huge Simpsons homer, and the one true defender-of-the-faith, so I will do no such thing. Instead I will talk about something only tangentially related to Duff Man. "Oh Yeah", by Yello.

"Oh Yeah" is still most famous for playing over several scenes of Ferris Bueller's Day Off, most notably when child molester Principal Rooney gets on the school bus at the end of the movie and has to sit next to the weird chick with gummy bears in her pockets. But even though it is featured in, arguably, the greatest comedy ever made, I believe the song is still tremendously underrated.

Have you ever seen the video? Go ahead, I'll wait. Two mustachioed Swiss dudes mouth goofy lyrics about how the moon and sun are beautiful (that's right, this song is, technically, about something). Now this song violates two cardinal rules of rock - first, it's electronic music, so it's immediately somewhat passionless. Second, it's clearly meant as a goof. I mean, even Eurotrash doesn't think singing about the sun and moon is serious. Normally, there is nothing worse than "rock" bands that sing intentionally stupid songs, which is why the Barenaked Ladies are currently sitting on death row. And yet, it still works. Try not to sing it while you're listening to it, I dare you. You can't. Chigga chigga. Oh yeah, and Duff Man uses it as his theme song. Or something. Whatever.


Bessie Lee Johnson
SP
Wears a Detroit hat.

5 Cy Young awards, plus 5 other top 5 finishes and 3 other top 10 finishes. Top 20 all-time in Wins, Shutouts, ERA, WHIP, K's.

(Guest written by Max_Fischer)
Bessie Lee Johnson achieved little in her hard-scrabble life on a South Carolina farm. But she overcame a fourth-grade education and desperate poverty to become the all-time winningest pitcher in OGL history.

Bessie Lee was known throughout her community as the meanest, cruellest person alive. Perhaps no one feared her more than her own grandchildren (max_fischer among them), whom she called "fat" or "stupid" for her own entertainment (and whom she occasionally threatened to eat).

Scarred by their horrific childhoods, Bessie Lee's own children (six in all) both loved and loathed her, as abused kids are wont to do. But they were of one mind on one thing: Bessie Lee Johnson could flat out pitch.

Winner of FIVE Cy Young Awards, Bessie Lee regularly topped 100 MPH on radar guns and generally terrorized the American League. She also baked lots of cakes (she reportedly goes through one five-pound bag of sugar each WEEK, and the woman lives alone), many of which she ate herself.

Her 372 wins may never be exceeded. Long may she reign.


Blanche Bouchard
SP
Wears a Detroit hat.

2 Cy Young awards plus 4 other top 5 finishes and 2 other top 10 finishes. Top 20 all-time in Wins, Shutouts, ERA, WHIP, K's.

BEAVER LAKE, PA - Blanche T. "Horse Satchel" Bouchard, 89, died Monday at a local nursing home after a long illness.
Mrs. Bouchard (nee Grindel) was born in nearby Elk Grove and moved to Beaver Lake in 1935 when she married Joseph K. "Frog Leg" Bouchard at the age of 18.
Mrs. Bouchard was a long-time member of The Quilting Club of Beaver Lake, and had created several award-winning quilts which were displayed proudly within her home on Randolph Avenue.
Mrs. Bouchard was perhaps most famous to residents of Beaver Lake for the letters she wrote to the Beaver Lake Free Press asking forgiveness for welcoming the two initial Sarien scouts into her home and feeding them for several days, allowing them to regain their strength and ultimately enslave the human race.
She is survived by her children Abraham, 70, Rose, 68 and Charlotte, 63. Services will be held on Thursday at Petersen's Funeral Home, 3895 South Elm Road. Burial will be at Lakefront Cemetary in the spring. All hail our insectoid overlords.

Class of 1983

Erick Sermon
2B
Wears a Chicago (NL) hat.

WS MVP award. Top 20 all-time in HR, Hits, RBI, Runs, SB.

Erick Sermon, for those who don't know (the old guys, the hip-hop avoiders) made his name as half (along with Parrish Smith) of EPMD, a group that released 6 albums between 1988 and 1999, all of which had the word "business" in the title. A confession, before I continue - I don't like EPMD that much.

If Public Enemy was The Clash of late-80's hip-hop (a huge oversimplification, but I'm using this comparison for the sake of making a point) then EPMD was The Sex Pistols. Whereas PE directed their (considerable) anger upwards at the power structure, and downwards at the apathy of the young and the black, EPMD mostly focused their anger in a parallel direction, at everyone else in hip-hop. This isn't entirely accurate - PE was legitimately angry at, well, pretty much everything, whereas EPMD were more of a party band that happened to like to take shots at other rappers. But the nastiness of some of their tracks is pretty much unavoidable, and even though it's easy to appreciate their rhymes and their wide array of samples, it's hard to listen to their albums without wanting to tell them to tone it down, or direct it at someone who deserves it.

Anyway, Erick Sermon has continued to rap and produce without his former partner, who is probably dead*, but as with all other musicians who leave a well-regarded band for a solo career, has so far been unable to duplicate the critical or commercial success of the heyday of EPMD.

* This may be a completely untrue statement.

Class of 1982

Chuck D
LF/RF
Wears a Cleveland hat.

Top 5 in ROY voting. Top 20 all-time in HR and Hits.
This is the most important thing you need to know about Chuck D - he is cooler than you. Not only that, but his real name is Carlton and he's still cooler than you. Chuck D is so cool that the aura emanating from his person made Flavor Flav seem cool, and that dude has spent the last few years romancing Red Sonja and some chick who took a shit on his stairs. Besides being the mastermind behind two of the greatest rap albums of all time (It Takes A Nation Of Millions To Hold Us Back and Fear Of A Black Planet), Chuck D is the anti-Metallica when it comes to internet file-sharing, getting in on the ground floor of the future of music. Chuck D is so fucking cool he even showed up in a Sonic Youth video. Holy Christ is Chuck D cool.


Mickey O'Neil
SP
Wears a Pittsburgh hat.

2 Cy Young awards plus 1 top 5 finish and 1 top 10 finish. Top 20 all-time in Wins, ERA and WHIP.

A poem, by Mickey O'Neil:

I think that I have never saw,
A poem as lovely as me ma,
With bottle of Jameson's in 'er 'and,
Going down (unintelligible),
Oi! Ye wanna fight? I'll box ya!
Fook it, I need a shite.