Class of 2019

Jamie Gold
SS
Wears a Boston hat.

Let's take a trip in the way back machine to 2006. The World Baseball Classic was captivating the attention of people across the globe. Chamillionaire was just beginning his ascent to the apex of the pop world. Myspace was allowing teenagers of all stripes to blast "S.O.S." at top volume directly to your computer and tell you why Night at the Museum was the Best Movie Evar!!!!!1111111oneoneoneoneone. And the world of poker, which continues its stratospheric rise in popularity to this day, was being conquered by this man:



We will all no doubt remember where we were when ESPN announced, via tape delay, that Jamie Gold had entered our lives to stay. It was a magical year.

Peter Hook
1B
Wears a New York (AL) hat.

Besides being the owner of the world's longest-running, wispiest beard, and having the world's most annoying Myspace page (you've been warned), Peter Hook also spent some of his time in two bands that managed to amass a small, if loyal, following. And how does one follow up that sort of career? By forming a band with two other totally not washed-up bassists called, get ready for hilarity, Freebass. The sky's the limit for this young go getter.

Class of 2018

"The Art of War", by Jomini
OF
Wears a Cleveland hat.

If there's one thing the French like more than eating cheese and being uppity assholes, it's writing books on military theory. This book was hot shit during the Civil War, when people still killed each other by marching around on battlefields and trying to gain miniscule geographic advantages - nowadays death mostly comes from above, so the only people who read this crap are the fighting Keyboard Commandos who conduct theoretical asymmetric war against the brown peoples of the world from the comfort of their living rooms. I guess if you read it you'd become the world's awesomeist Axis and Allies player or something.


Robert A. Toombs
SP
Wears a Cleveland hat.

Speaking of uppity assholes....just look at this high-collared shitbag. Look, I have little patience with these douchesacks who decided the best way to deal with laws they didn't like was to quit the game like a fucking 4-year-old. And Toombs quit motherfucking everything - the Confederate cabinet, his military commission, his fucking post-war citizenship. On the positive side, that's a pretty sharp vest.

Class of 2016

Sir John Falstaff
OF
Wears a St. Louis hat.

Falstaff shows up in 4 works of Shakespeare's (The two Henry IV plays, Henry V and The Merry Wives of Windsor) although he doesn't have any lines in Henry V and the character in The Merry Wives of Windsor is kind of a Bizarro (not to mention: sucky) version. First, Falstaff is fat. If you want to play him, you have to be fat, or wear a fat suit. Second, Falstaff lies, steals, cheats and generally acts like kind of an asshole. But everyone loves him anyway, especially Henry V. Probably because he's just so goddamned fat. Like Santa Claus, if instead of giving you toys, he came down your chimney every Christmas to steal your jewelry and consumer electronics. Other characters who are based on Falstaff include Harry Mudd, George Costanza, and late period Orson Welles.

Class of 2015

Xanax
SS
Wears a Philadelphia hat.

Xanax is what you take if you're a panicky idiot, but not if you're a "duh duh" idiot. There's no pill you can take for that.

Class of 2014

Chief Justice Salmon P. Chase
SP
Wears a Cleveland hat.

They obviously don't circulate anymore, but if you're lucky enough to get your hands on one of the few remaining 10,000 dollar bills in existence, you'll see Chase's mug staring back at you. It's an arguable point, but I'd say that Chase is less famous for being Chief Justice than for being Secretary of Treasury during Lincoln's first term, which led to an interesting historical irony - as Secretary of Treasury, Chase (against his will, more or less) presided over the first printing by the Federal Government of paper currency, money which was unbacked by anything tangible - since the government had lots of war debts to pay, the easiest way of doing so was to simply print money and not worry too much about future inflation; as Chief Justice 10 years later, he determined that, by doing this, the government had violated the Constitution. Needless to say, this didn't stick, and today US currency (like most currencies around the world) is unbacked. If I was some Libertarian weirdo who had actually named his son Rand, I'd probably think Salmon P Chase was superhappyawesomefuntime for his stance against fiat money - since I'm not, he gets a meh-plus from me; some good, some bad, stupid name.

Class of 2012

Ray Guy
RP
Wears a Milwaukee hat

Did you know:

- that Ray Guy attended the University of Southern Mississippi, and was its most famous alumni until Lou "don't shoot until you see the whites" Beesley and some guy named Favor or Furtive or some bullshit?
- that Ray Guy's foot is on loan to the Pro Football Hall of Fame, still incased in the shoe in which it was frozen and then hacked off at the request of Hall curators?
- that Ray Guy backwards is Yugyar, which sounds like a character in some Piers Anthony crapathon?
- that you're not supposed to wear white after Labor Day?
- that Ray Guy would be a good name for those guys in the black helmets who push the buttons and pull the levers to activate the Death Star's laser?- why do they need those big black helmets if they're just sitting at a console pushing some buttons anyway?
- shouldn't firing that laser require some sort of failsafe, like needing to have two top-level commanders turn keys at the same time or something?
- I mean, we do that on submarines, and those can't blow up planets. As it stands, one of those black helmeted guys could just blow up a planet that, say, an ex-girlfriend that cheated on him with a TIE pilot lived on.
- And considering how lax security on the Death Star is, it seems entirely possible that a small band of rebels could sneak into the superlaser control room, turn it on, aim it at, like, a mirror that's positioned some distance away in space and voila, no fuss, no muss, Death Star blows itself up with its own superweapon. The irony alone would probably destroy the Empire.

So, in conclusion, Ray Guy: awesome punter.

Class of 2011

Kilgore Trout
CF
Wears a St. Louis hat.

Kurt Vonnegut's fictional alter-ego, Kilgore Trout is both a brilliant thinker and a terrible, terrible writer. Mostly he gets his science-fiction short stories published in porno mags - he's sort of like Philip K Dick, but without the paranoia and crippling methamphetamine addiction.


Sachin Tendulkar
CF
Wears a Cleveland hat.

Would you believe this guy is Indian, and that he plays cricket? No? You have some attitude, jackass. Well he is, and he does. One of his nicknames is "Master Blaster" which is a game that's always seemed like more fun than it really is. Anyway, Tendulkar is crazy popular in all those loser countries that play cricket like India and Australia where they drive on the wrong side of the road and spell words wrong. Hopefully this will be my last cricketer because I have clearly run out of ways to make fun of the sport and my next bio will simply be a treatise on the book "Life, the Universe and Everything".

Basil Fawlty
SP
Wears a Washington hat.

English people think this show is fucking hi-larious. I saw it a couple of times - some hijinx, a few misunderstandings, some over-the-top physical humor. Nothing ages worse than a sitcom. Okay, Mickey Rourke. Nothing ages worse than a sitcom other than Mickey Rourke.