Class of 2037

Gen. William Tecumseh Sherman
RF
Wears a Cleveland hat.

Two things:
1) Sherman is one of the few people from this era with relatively modern-looking facial hair. I mean, look at the rest of these mutants. I wonder how he got his beard so trim. That shit must have taken some serious dedication.
2) I've never seen Gone with the Wind. I don't know if that makes me different from other people. Probably not - that movie is fucking long and it looks so boring. My direct film knowledge really doesn't go much further back than the 60's, outside of a few exceptions. People were pretty easily entertained by flickering images back then. Watch any war movie where the soldiers watch some old 30's or 40's movie, they're always so enraptured. Soldiers would be bored out of their fucking minds with those movies nowadays.


St. Bernard
RF/CF
Wears a Brooklyn hat.

If you were dying in the Alps and a St. Bernard came to your rescue with a brandy barrel around its neck, drinking that brandy would worsen your situation. But really, how could you refuse that face? (That brandy barrel shit is an urban legend, but it's kind of impossible to picture a St. Bernard without one.)

Class of 2035

Brigadier General Stand Watie
OF
Wears a Cleveland hat.

The highest ranking Indian (feather, not dot) in the Confederate army and the last general to officially surrender in the War of Northern Aggression.

Class of 2030

Magic Johnson
SP
Wears a Chicago (AL) hat
Enshrined here for proving to people like Happy that people like Aaron aren't the only ones.


Rocky Horror Show
2b
Wears a Milwaukee hat

Craigles:
It's a pretty stupid story, but it's what I always think of whenever someone mentions Rocky Horror:

I’ve actually seen the Rocky Horror Show performed live. Not on Broadway or anything, it was a decidedly more amateur affair, but it wasn’t bad. I mean, the story is censored stupid, and it’s way over the top, but some of the songs are kind of catchy, and if you strip away all that audience participation crap that gives it such a bad name, it’s not such a bad little show.

Why did I go? Well, that has a pretty simple answer – someone said the magic word. I had a roommate who knew some people who knew some people who were in the show, theater types, and they were putting it on Halloween night (naturally). Well censored , I wasn’t going to go to that. They wanted my roommate to sit in the back and tape the performance, and I damn sure wasn’t going to sit in the back and have to do a goddamned job for a show that I already hated before I’d ever seen it. But, you know, someone said the magic word, and I went, and sat behind that camera, and taped the whole stupid thing. Sober, even. And what’s the magic word, you might ask? Well, nudity, of course. I was told that one of the actresses was going to get her top off at one point (the Susan Sarandon character, I think). It only ended up being for a few seconds, but that’s good enough for me. And hey, I kind of enjoyed the rest of the show too, like I said. Yes, I am that immature. The end.

Dan:
I think of my good friend Harry Waksberg, and of the darkness of middle school, whenever this movie is mentioned. I've seen the movie in his basement a few times, and also in midnight-theaters. It's good that someone turned it into a stageable thing, for the sake of people like this:



The Founder, Abner Doubleday
C
Wears a combined Cleveland and St. Louis hat, with a small Chicago AL feather

Will be forever remembered for creating this great game, sucking at it, and then for cheating death. For a small few of us, this game has never gotten any better than The Doubles.


Marvin Martian
SS
Wears a Boston hat

Forever marks the triumph of all, and indeed, of the OGL itself. It has taken all these years for us, at last, to succumb to our own Hilarity. A great thing has been accomplished here, this day. And Lou, unconscious somewhere, mutters and sputters, and is comforted.

Love.

Class of 2024

President Abraham Lincoln
SP
Wears a Cleveland hat.

If only. The words that haunt. If only President Lincoln hadn't gone to the theater on that cold, gray evening in April. If only he'd stayed home to play cards, or have sex with his wife, or even a prostitute. Or a dude. Whatever his fancy, if he had stayed home we could have been spared the horrors of the next century and a half (and counting). But he went, and Booth was there too, and he had a gun, and our Abe didn't. And by the end of 1862 the war was all but lost, but the Union hung on for another 3 years, slowly giving ground to the encroaching Confederate forces. If only they had signed the treaty in 1862, perhaps the Union could have removed some of the more onerous passages.

But none of that happened. Abe died, and the war was lost, and the Confederacy proved to be the true dominant force on the North American landmass. Someday perhaps the tide of history will be turned once again, but that day is somewhere on the distant horizon, and this author confesses he can't see it. Perhaps his children, or his grandchildren will see that day.


Norwegian Elkhound
3B/RF
Wears a Brooklyn hat.

Prior to the late-19th century, Norwegian Elkhounds were fairly rare in North America. Today, of course, they're on practically every street corner, pawing through the trash and trying to hump your leg. It is unclear who first brought them over from the Old World but one thing is clear - they make excellent Negro-hunters. With so many slaves fleeing to the Canadian hinterland, and with British Canada showing more and more reluctance to turn slaves over to American authorities (which reached its breaking point with the secession of Alberta to join the renamed Confederate States of North America, from which point forward a de facto state of war has existed between Great Britain and the CSNA), slave owners needed a dog that was capable of hunting your average Negro escapee. Enter the Norwegian Elkhound, particularly suited to cold-climate hunting. A militia of CSNA soldiers wandering across the 49th risks instigating a full-blown nuclear showdown with the Brits, but a single man with a pack of Elkhounds can easily track a runaway slave as far north as Great Bear Lake. In a way, the lowly Elkhound has single-handedly prevented World War IV, and for that perhaps we all owe it our thanks (and our leg).



Shane MacGowan
SP
Wears a New York(NL) hat.

The Minstrels (as they were later dubbed by a hostile Union press) first began arriving on the shores of South Carolina around 1911. Catalans, Roma, Irish. A few Kurds. All came for the same promise - to share their culture, their heritage and especially their music with the well-paying slave-owners that made up the landed gentry of the CSNA (neé CSA). That was the desire, anyway - in truth, many of them ended up as essentially indentured servants, playing shows with other Minstrels for the local slave-owner for little more than a subsistence wage. The Northern press may have called them Minstrels, and created very exaggerated, even offense, caricatures of them in editorial cartoons, but for them it was a living, and it was life.

Shane MacGowan was one such Minstrel, but even from the beginning he was different. He travelled the CSNA as Shane MacGowan and his Minstrel Band of Pogues, but he never accepted the status quo of second-class citizenship, for him or for the slaves who he saw every day tending to their masters while they watched his show. He famously lost most of his teeth as a young man, in a brawl with the son of a local slave-owner, after he allegedly referred to the man as a certain ethnic slur for white people that it is illegal to print. And his music contained many lines that challenged the unfairness of life in the CSNA, always partially hidden from his audiences with his thick Irish brogue. Though his life may have come to a tragic end due to his love of the bottle, he should be remembered for his music above all, and not as the man who's body was found lying face down in an alley in Macon, bottle of gin in hand, his time all too short on this Earth at a mere 15 years, 4 months, 22 days.



MacGowan, with his Minstrel Band in happier times. Note the line about "blacks and Paks and Jocks".

Class of 2018

"The Art of War", by Jomini
OF
Wears a Cleveland hat.

If there's one thing the French like more than eating cheese and being uppity assholes, it's writing books on military theory. This book was hot shit during the Civil War, when people still killed each other by marching around on battlefields and trying to gain miniscule geographic advantages - nowadays death mostly comes from above, so the only people who read this crap are the fighting Keyboard Commandos who conduct theoretical asymmetric war against the brown peoples of the world from the comfort of their living rooms. I guess if you read it you'd become the world's awesomeist Axis and Allies player or something.


Robert A. Toombs
SP
Wears a Cleveland hat.

Speaking of uppity assholes....just look at this high-collared shitbag. Look, I have little patience with these douchesacks who decided the best way to deal with laws they didn't like was to quit the game like a fucking 4-year-old. And Toombs quit motherfucking everything - the Confederate cabinet, his military commission, his fucking post-war citizenship. On the positive side, that's a pretty sharp vest.

Class of 2014

Chief Justice Salmon P. Chase
SP
Wears a Cleveland hat.

They obviously don't circulate anymore, but if you're lucky enough to get your hands on one of the few remaining 10,000 dollar bills in existence, you'll see Chase's mug staring back at you. It's an arguable point, but I'd say that Chase is less famous for being Chief Justice than for being Secretary of Treasury during Lincoln's first term, which led to an interesting historical irony - as Secretary of Treasury, Chase (against his will, more or less) presided over the first printing by the Federal Government of paper currency, money which was unbacked by anything tangible - since the government had lots of war debts to pay, the easiest way of doing so was to simply print money and not worry too much about future inflation; as Chief Justice 10 years later, he determined that, by doing this, the government had violated the Constitution. Needless to say, this didn't stick, and today US currency (like most currencies around the world) is unbacked. If I was some Libertarian weirdo who had actually named his son Rand, I'd probably think Salmon P Chase was superhappyawesomefuntime for his stance against fiat money - since I'm not, he gets a meh-plus from me; some good, some bad, stupid name.

Class of 2011

Kilgore Trout
CF
Wears a St. Louis hat.

Kurt Vonnegut's fictional alter-ego, Kilgore Trout is both a brilliant thinker and a terrible, terrible writer. Mostly he gets his science-fiction short stories published in porno mags - he's sort of like Philip K Dick, but without the paranoia and crippling methamphetamine addiction.


Sachin Tendulkar
CF
Wears a Cleveland hat.

Would you believe this guy is Indian, and that he plays cricket? No? You have some attitude, jackass. Well he is, and he does. One of his nicknames is "Master Blaster" which is a game that's always seemed like more fun than it really is. Anyway, Tendulkar is crazy popular in all those loser countries that play cricket like India and Australia where they drive on the wrong side of the road and spell words wrong. Hopefully this will be my last cricketer because I have clearly run out of ways to make fun of the sport and my next bio will simply be a treatise on the book "Life, the Universe and Everything".

Basil Fawlty
SP
Wears a Washington hat.

English people think this show is fucking hi-larious. I saw it a couple of times - some hijinx, a few misunderstandings, some over-the-top physical humor. Nothing ages worse than a sitcom. Okay, Mickey Rourke. Nothing ages worse than a sitcom other than Mickey Rourke.

Class of 2005

Bernie Brewer
3B
Wears a Cleveland hat.

Normally, I'm pretty ambivalent about mascots that involve a dude dressing in a foam rubber imitation of a person. And by ambivalent, I think they're fucking retarded. I mean, isn't this way cooler and less creepy than, say, this? This goes for Halloween costumes too - when you buy a Halloween mask you've basically said to the world, I refuse to put any thought into this costume at all. But I'll give Bernie Brewer a pass because he used to go down his little slide into a mug of beer, and anything that encourages children between the ages of 4 and 11 to consume alcohol is alright in my book.


Fear, Itself
OF
Wears a Kansas City hat.

Franklin Roosevelt once said that the only thing that we have to fear is fear itself. And I guess that's mostly true, unless it turns out that there's a maniac with a knife camped out in your closet, waiting for you to go to sleep so he can eat your eyeballs. In that case, you're probably justified in feeling that there are more immediate problems in your life than fear.


Max, King of the Wild Things
Catcher
Wears a St. Louis hat.

Maurice Sendak's scholarly dissertation on inducing hallucinations in children by temporarily starving them was picked up on by the mainstream media and ultimately made the rounds as the partially dumbed down novel version, "Where the Wild Things Are". Sendak's follow-up, "The Wild Things Experiment with LSD and Peyote", was less successful.


Senator Benjamin Wade
SP
Wears a Detroit hat.

How big of an asshole was Benjamin Wade? When Andrew Johnson was impeached in 1868, he was acquitted by one vote. Now, Johnson was a total asshole. But Wade was an even bigger asshole, and it is said that, were anyone but Senator Wade to take Johnson's place as President (since he was President pro tempore of the Senate, Wade was the first in the line of succession at the time, since Johnson didn't have a VP), Johnson would very probably have been chucked from office. The Senate, ultimately, decided to stick with Johnson's everyday assholery rather than deal with the gargantuan, monumental assholery of Senator Wade. Just look at his picture. You can tell, immediately, that this is an asshole. And he always looks like that in pictures. Like an asshole.

Class of 1997

Lt. General James Longstreet
OF/1B
Wears a Cleveland hat.

James Longstreet was a general who fought for the Confederacy during the Civil War under General Robert E. Lee. Maybe you knew that already, but I didn't, and I come from Northern Virginia, so I didn't want to assume.

Has there ever been a war that tested the notion that the victors write the history books more than the American Civil War? Lee is revered, in the north and the south, as an almost divine figure; Longstreet, who became a Republican and tried to take a hand during Reconstruction, is treated like a turncoat and a pariah. The Civil War is one of the few that has a clear distinction between the side that is fighting for something that is morally right and that which is fighting for something that is morally wrong, and yet those on the "wrong" side have often come out cleaner than those on the "right" side when all is said and done. Granted, much of that is due to the specific actions of those in the "right" (I'm looking at you, Sherman) but the fact is that not too many people who have fought a war against the United States have enjoyed the sort of posthumous popularity that certain Confederate figures have.



Marcus Trescothick
SS
Wears a Cincinnati hat.

Marcus is an English cricketer who has participated in more than 75 test matches for the English national team, whatever the fuck that means. You'll be glad to know that the English are just as unimaginative when it comes to nicknames as us Yanks are - Marcus's nickname is "Tresco". Continuing along the theme that we began with Brian Lara, Marcus also has his own game - Marcus Trescothick's Cricket Coach. If you enjoyed the riveting action and excitement of NFL Head Coach, but you love an even more esoteric sport, why not check out Marcus Trescothick's Cricket Coach? It's a wicked googly!

Class of 1992

Brian Lara
RF
Wears a Cincinnati hat.

(Guest written by velguth)
I first started paying attention to cricket in the 1999 World Cup. Working with a New Zealander and an Indian who were big fans of their national teams, I adopted the West Indies as my team to support, largely on the grounds that they were the only team that mattered from the Western Hemisphere. Brian Lara was by far their best player, and still is. Essentially he's been the only "world class" player they've had during the last decade or so, which is kind of sad because in the past (e.g. 1980's) the West Indies were as good as anyone in world cricket.

Anyway, Lara quickly became my favorite player. He's a proud black dude with an attitude somehow more remniscent of U.S. athletes than most cricket "gentlemen". He's outspoken, often selfish, and not a particularly good leader (he was stripped of national team captaincy -- a big deal -- at least once). Vaguely Iversonian. And he's also been erratic over his career, with extended highs and extended lows, perhaps best likened to Jaromir Jagr's career arc.

But in his good stretches, he's a monster. At times he gets called "probably the best batsman in the world". Of the 10 greatest batting performances in the history of cricket, he probably has 3 of them (more than any other player). He periodically wins matches ENTIRELY by himself with his batting. Even when he's been scuffling for a while, every opponent fears him getting back on track that day. Basically, and I wouldn't say this about perhaps any other cricketer, he's a bad ass.

(FuriousGiorge's comment on the guest-bio):
Did you know that they make a cricket game for the PS2? Of course you did, how silly of me. And on the cover? None other than Mr. Lara himself. That's right - for sheer, mind-numbing....awesomeness, it's Brian Lara Cricket 2007. Not sold yet? Okay, here are some funny cricket words:

Gazunder
Googly
Hoik
Jaffa
Perfume ball
Quack trick
Slog
Windy Wush
Zooter

Cricket - it's not just for twee British fairies anymore. Okay, it's still mostly for twee British fairies, but occasionally a bad motherfucker like Brian Lara slips through.



Capital City Goofball
Everywhere
Wears a New York (AL) hat.

Capital City Goofball is the mascot for the Capital City Capitals. He is big and goofy and looks a bit like the Phillie Phanatic. If you think the Phillie Phanatic is inherently funny, well, first of all, you're probably 7 years old. And second, you probably think the Goofball is hilarious. These are the Goofball's funniest lines:
"Ah Mancini. The mascot's best friend."
"If there's anything I can do for you, just squeeze the wheeze."
He only featured prominently in one episode, that crappy one where Homer tells the story about going to the big leagues as a second-rate mascot and going down in flames. Occasionally he still shows up out of nowhere in an episode, like the unloved version of Bumblebee Man or Sideshow Mel. And he honks his fucking nose. Pure. Comedy. Gold.


Tony Reali
SS
Wears a Cleveland hat.

I could go both ways on Tony Reali. On the one hand, he seems like kind of a douchebag. On the other hand, I could easily believe that he's just a dude who plays a douchebag on TV. We can all probably agree on this - he's no Max Kellerman, mostly because he's not borderline retarded. Have I mentioned that Jay Mariotti is a cum-guzzler in this bio yet? Oh, I guess I just did. So, in conclusion, Jay Marrioti guzzles cum.


Don Quixote de la Mancha
SP
Wears a St. Louis hat.

I'll be honest - I've never read the novel. If you want a proper bio of the man read the book or, perhaps more appropriately, the Cleland Notes version. So I'm no expert on Don Quixote the character, but what I do know about are urban legends and movies. Cervantes, in the original text of Don Quixote, wrote:

For me alone was Don Quixote born,
and I for him; he to act, and I to record;
in a word, we were destined for each other...
let the wearied and mouldering bones
of Don Quixote rest in the grave...

This was directed at another author who wrote and published an unauthorized sequel, but the message remains clear - don't fuck with Don Quixote, or Don Quixote will fuck with you. Orson Welles attempted to film Don Quixote: he died before he could finish it. Fernando Rey died while he was filming a version for Spanish television. The film version of Man of La Mancha is...sort of a piece of shit. Okay, that's a bit weak. But the big one was when Terry Gilliam attempted to film his version (The Man Who Killed Don Quixote) - flash floods, a star that developed a double hernia and could no longer film his scenes, color changes that made earlier shots unusable, fighter jets that wiped out dialogue on the soundtrack. Just a disaster from day one, a movie that would not be made. Cervantes, it seems, is a petty son of a bitch, even from beyond the grave (Orson Welles got some measure of revenge when he put his own curse on Heart of Darkness, and you can ask Martin Sheen how that one worked out).

Class of 1982

Chuck D
LF/RF
Wears a Cleveland hat.

Top 5 in ROY voting. Top 20 all-time in HR and Hits.
This is the most important thing you need to know about Chuck D - he is cooler than you. Not only that, but his real name is Carlton and he's still cooler than you. Chuck D is so cool that the aura emanating from his person made Flavor Flav seem cool, and that dude has spent the last few years romancing Red Sonja and some chick who took a shit on his stairs. Besides being the mastermind behind two of the greatest rap albums of all time (It Takes A Nation Of Millions To Hold Us Back and Fear Of A Black Planet), Chuck D is the anti-Metallica when it comes to internet file-sharing, getting in on the ground floor of the future of music. Chuck D is so fucking cool he even showed up in a Sonic Youth video. Holy Christ is Chuck D cool.


Mickey O'Neil
SP
Wears a Pittsburgh hat.

2 Cy Young awards plus 1 top 5 finish and 1 top 10 finish. Top 20 all-time in Wins, ERA and WHIP.

A poem, by Mickey O'Neil:

I think that I have never saw,
A poem as lovely as me ma,
With bottle of Jameson's in 'er 'and,
Going down (unintelligible),
Oi! Ye wanna fight? I'll box ya!
Fook it, I need a shite.

Class of 1979

John Brown
2B/1B/OF
Wears a Cleveland hat.

1 MVP award. Top 20 all-time in HR, Slg., OPS.
Abolitionist, revolutionary, leader of men. John Brown happens to have found himself planted firmly on the correct side of history but make no mistake - his default setting wasn't "righteous", it was "crazy". While Frederick Douglas, Harriet Tubman and Abby Kelley, among others, are lauded by history books, John Brown is the embarrassing uncle who lives in the bedroom in the attic and sometimes comes downstairs when your friends come over in an untied bathrobe, mumbling about tracking devices in his skull. Killing people indiscrimately doesn't tend to get you a choice seat at the Revolutionaries table.


Thaddeus Stevens
SP
Wears a Cleveland hat.

Two Cy Young awards. One WS MVP. Top 20 all-time in Shutouts, ERA, WHIP.
Now here's someone who history has been a lot more kind to than his contemporaries were. Stevens was every bit the abolitionist that John Brown was but without all the, you know, murdering. Sometimes a system is so corrupt that it can only be shaken up from without, by men of vision and passion. Unfortunately, those who are do choose to revolt are almost always exactly the sort of people who you would never, ever want to lead a nation. So sometimes the real revolutions are led from the inside by career politicians like Stevens, even if their ideas take a long time to catch on. It is when men like Stevens cease being able to affect the direction of our country from within the system that our trek towards irrelevance and "the dustbin of history" will have begun.

Class of 1976

Major General John B. Gordon
SP
Wears a Cleveland hat.

1 Cy Young award plus 1 other top 5 finish. Top 20 all-time in 4
statistical categories (Wins, Shutouts, ERA, WHIP).
Confederate general who is known for, among other things, being wounded in combat over and over again. Shot in the calf, upper leg, left arm, shoulder, cheek, head, and quite possibly many more. Upon being shot in the head, Gordon's wife actually ran into the street and yelled at her husband's troops to stop retreating and go face the enemy. Probably didn't like black people.


tysoniowery
SP
Wears a New York (AL) hat.

2 Cy Young awards plus 4 other top 5 finishes. 1 WS MVP award. Top 20 all-time in 4 statistical categories (Wins, Shutouts, ERA, WHIP).
Hooray. I have nothing to say about this. Jojo knows what he did.

Class of 1971

Wal*Mart
2B
Wears a New York (AL) hat.

ROY top 5. Top 20 in 4 statistical categories (HR, Hits, RBI, Runs)
Not the corporate giant, but a fairly low-level parody of the corporate giant. About as funny as its namesake's copy of Richard Pryor's landmark comedy album "That Nigger's Crazy". Has a longstanding feud with fellow alter-ego TARGET that is the message board equivalent of dead air.



Joe Strummer
SP
Wears a New York (NL) hat.
8 Cy Youngs, plus 5 other top 5 finishes. Top 20 in 5 statistical categories (Wins, Shutouts, ERA, WHIP, K's)
Punk icon, actor, reggae shill. About as cool as it gets for a graduate of a fruity English boarding school.



Phoenix Lord Baharroth
SP
Wears a Cleveland hat.

1 Cy Young plus 3 other top 5 finishes. Top 20 in 4 statistical categories (Wins, Shutouts, ERA, K's)
"Baharroth is believed to be the finest pupil of Asurmen. He was the winged Phoenix and founder of the Swooping Hawk Aspect."
If you understand what those words mean, there is about a 95% chance that you sweat Mountain Dew and artificial cheese flavoring. Copiously.



Reginald Iolanthe Perrin
SP
Wears a Washington hat.

2 Cy Young awards. 1 World Series MVP. Top 20 in 4 statistical categories (Wins, Shutouts, ERA, WHIP)
From "The Fall and Rise of Reginald Perrin". Most famous for the last episode of the first season where Reginald faked his suicide by leaving his clothes on a beach and running into the ocean. Ironically, he was unsuccessful in his attempt due to the fact that a family of Japanese tourists spotted him and mobbed him, assuming he was filming a British sitcom, since all British sitcoms involve several jokes about pasty old white guys showing the audience their bare ass.

Class of 1970

Anders Morgenthaler
SS
Wears a New York (NL) hat.

1 MVP win plus 5 other top 5 finishes. Top 5 in ROY. Top 20 in 5 statistical categories (HR, Hits, Runs, Avg, SB).
Some goofy Danish comic strip creator whose sense of humor makes as little sense in English as Ignite's. Possibly funny in Danish.



Lord Dante
RF
Wears a Cleveland hat.

1 MVP top 5 finish. Top 20 in 4 statistical categories (Slg, OBP, OPS, Avg)
LORD DANTE, COMMANDER of the BLOOD ANGELS!
Jesus Christ.



Ron Asheton
2B
Wears a New York (NL) hat.

ROY award winner. 1 MVP plus 1 other top 5 finish. Top 20 in 5 statistical categories (HR, Hits, RBI, Runs, SB)
Once the guitarist for the loudest, most dangerous band on the face of the earth, forming the blueprint for punk music. Now, a big fat guy who happens to have Iggy Pop's phone number.



Billy the Marlin
SP
Wears a New York (AL) hat.

2 Cy Youngs, 4 other top 5 finishes. Top 20 in 5 statistical categories (Wins, Shutouts, ERA, WHIP, K's)
Billy has an official bio and it never once mentions his dildo nose.



Cut-Throat Jake
SP
Wears a Pittsburgh hat.

2 Cy Young awards plus 2 other top 5 finishes. Top 20 in 3 statistical categories (Shutouts, ERA, WHIP)
You probably thought Cut-Throat Jake was a dangerous pirate. That he terrorized the high seas and possibly murdered people for looking at him funny. That he had a plank and it told the story of a thousand sailors who had walked to their doom in the shark-infested Atlantic. You would be wrong. Cut-Throat Jake was the bad guy in some retarded English cartoon.

Class of 1968 (Initial Class)

Shawn Michaels
CF/3B
Wears a Chicago (AL) hat

1 MVP, 3 top 5 MVP finishes. Finished his career in the top 20 in HR's, Hits, RBI, Runs, Slg, OBP, OPS and Avg. First pick in the initial OGL draft. Winner of "Most Steroids Used" and "Most Latently Homosexual" Superlatives.



Big Red Bear
CF
Wears a New York (AL) hat.

1 ROY, 4 MVP's, one other top 5 MVP finish. Finished in the top 20 in HR's, Hits, RBI, Runs, Slg, OPS. Is just as adorable as Cornell's attempts to play big-boy sports.



Rev Run
2B
Wears a Chicago (NL) hat.

4 MVP's. Finished in the top 20 in Slg, OBP, OPS and Avg. Once part of the biggest act in hip-hop, is now sort of pathetically irrelevant to the point of attempting an Osbornes-esque reality show. Wears a hat.



The Red Terror
LF
Wears a Cleveland hat.

3 MVP's plus one other top 5 finish. Finished in the top 20 in HR, RBI, Slg, OPS and Avg. Continues to be a piece of molded plastic touched only by hands which have never known the loving caress of a woman.



Youppi!
LF
Wears a New York (AL) hat.

1 MVP plus 5 other top 5 finishes. Finished in the career top 20 in HR, Hits, RBI, Runs, Slg, OBP, OPS, Avg. Is tragically unloved.



Alice
SP
Wears a St. Louis hat.

2 Cy Youngs plus 3 other top 5 finishes. Finished in the top 20 in wins, shutouts, ERA and WHIP. Unanimous HOF selection. Winner of "Most precocious" and "Most likely to have adventures in a dreamworld which scares the crap out of all right-minded children" superlatives.



Beavis
SP
Wears a Boston hat.

4 Cy Youngs plus 3 other top 5 finishes. Finished in the top 20 in wins, shutouts, ERA, WHIP and K's. Unanimous selection. Used to like lighting things on....something. Winner of "Most annoying impression for your idiot buddy to do, 1994-1997" superlative.



Mario Mario
SP
Wears a Detroit hat.

2 Cy Youngs plus 4 other top 5 finishes. Finished in the top 20 in wins, shutouts, ERA, WHIP and K's. Generally considered an archetype for Italian people, all of whom are fat plumbers with ridiculous Old-World accents and questionable taste in clothing. Winner of "Most likely to appear in some crap Nintendo game that had Mario and his friends hastily added to the engine to ensure it'll sell" superlative.