Class of 2036

Det. Thomas "Herc" Hauk
SS
Wears a Detroit hat.

One of the places in "The Wire" where verisimilitude isn't the order of the day is the accents. Since none of the main characters speak with a Baltimore accent, when a character does have one (like Dennis Mello, played by the real Jay Landsman, or the junior high principal, or on the black side of the ledger, Snoop Pearson) it's somewhat distracting. But anyone who's ever been around Bawlmer or the Eastern Shore knows that everyone there talks like that. Herc's accent stands out as obviously originating from New York, so much so that the show had to point out that the character comes from the Bronx.


HK416
3B/UT
Wears a New York (AL) hat.

It's a fucking assault rifle. This will hopefully be the last cock substitute I have to put in the Hall of Fame.

Dick Butkus
SP
Wears a Milwaukee hat.

When all is said and done, perhaps the definitive legacy of the turmoil that engulfed this country in the 60's and 70's is the hair. Shit, no one is going to remember what Woodstock was all about or the Vietnam War or any of that crap, but they'll have the pictures and they'll see the hair. Butkus is a perfect example of how this trend affected everyone, because a guy like him never would have let that sort of trend affect him in any other era.

Here's Illini Butkus. Close-cropped, no facial hair. The model of the early-60's football player.

Early Bears Butkus. The hair has gotten longer, and he's added sideburns. Everything is still pretty neat and put-together though. (This picture has a pretty significant Shrute resemblance to my eye.)

This is later Bears Butkus. He's added the iconic moustache. The hair is a bit more unruly, and the sideburns seem a bit bushier. This is the height of the Butkus Revolution.

80's or 90's Butkus. The Reagan Revolution sent Butkus into his natural state. The moustache remains, but the hair has reverted to the flattop of his youth. This is the state Butkus would calcify into. Youthful rebellion has ended.

Late-peroid Butkus. The hair's grayer and thinner, but he will never go back to the radical-chic look that he once sported. The dream of the 60's has officially died. Whatever comes next will have to do so without Butkus.

Class of 2029

Jamie Lynn
CF
Wears a Detroit hat.

Spiros Vondas is the go-between who serves as a buffer between the head honcho of an international drug and human trafficking syndicate known only as "The Greek" and the low-lifes who he makes deals w.......oh fuck. It's some goddamned porno actress, isn't it? Uh, Jamie Lynn fucks dudes for money. The end.

(Shoulda been you, Spiros, with your fancy hat.)

Class of 2005

Bernie Brewer
3B
Wears a Cleveland hat.

Normally, I'm pretty ambivalent about mascots that involve a dude dressing in a foam rubber imitation of a person. And by ambivalent, I think they're fucking retarded. I mean, isn't this way cooler and less creepy than, say, this? This goes for Halloween costumes too - when you buy a Halloween mask you've basically said to the world, I refuse to put any thought into this costume at all. But I'll give Bernie Brewer a pass because he used to go down his little slide into a mug of beer, and anything that encourages children between the ages of 4 and 11 to consume alcohol is alright in my book.


Fear, Itself
OF
Wears a Kansas City hat.

Franklin Roosevelt once said that the only thing that we have to fear is fear itself. And I guess that's mostly true, unless it turns out that there's a maniac with a knife camped out in your closet, waiting for you to go to sleep so he can eat your eyeballs. In that case, you're probably justified in feeling that there are more immediate problems in your life than fear.


Max, King of the Wild Things
Catcher
Wears a St. Louis hat.

Maurice Sendak's scholarly dissertation on inducing hallucinations in children by temporarily starving them was picked up on by the mainstream media and ultimately made the rounds as the partially dumbed down novel version, "Where the Wild Things Are". Sendak's follow-up, "The Wild Things Experiment with LSD and Peyote", was less successful.


Senator Benjamin Wade
SP
Wears a Detroit hat.

How big of an asshole was Benjamin Wade? When Andrew Johnson was impeached in 1868, he was acquitted by one vote. Now, Johnson was a total asshole. But Wade was an even bigger asshole, and it is said that, were anyone but Senator Wade to take Johnson's place as President (since he was President pro tempore of the Senate, Wade was the first in the line of succession at the time, since Johnson didn't have a VP), Johnson would very probably have been chucked from office. The Senate, ultimately, decided to stick with Johnson's everyday assholery rather than deal with the gargantuan, monumental assholery of Senator Wade. Just look at his picture. You can tell, immediately, that this is an asshole. And he always looks like that in pictures. Like an asshole.

Class of 1996

Florian Schneider
3B
Wears a Detroit hat.

Florian is one half (with Ralf Hutter) of the core duo that makes up legendary German electropop pioneers Kraftwerk. You can always pick out Florian in group photos - he's the one with the big nose. Besides having one of the most distinctive catalogs in popular music, the band is famous for being incredibly reclusive - Johnny Marr of the Smiths tells of repeatedly phoning and mailing their studio to try to talk with them to no avail, finally being told by the record company to call on a specific date at a specific time. When he called the studio, Hutter picked up the phone without a single ring. Does music influence the people in the band or is the music a reflection of who they are? After years of playing psychedelic hippie folk for burnouts, David Crosby ended up a burned out hippie relic of the 60's. Kraftwerk played robotic music about machines - they are now seemingly devoid of any real human connections. And after years of singing self-righteous anthems, Bono is an insufferable douchebag. It's probably a little bit of both.



Gus Orviston
RF
Wears a St. Louis hat.

Gus Orviston is the main character in David James Duncan's book, The River Why, a novel about fly fishing, obsession, weird families and....some spiritual shit. I don't know, I haven't read it. Those Pacific Northwesterners sure do love themselves some fishing. Put it this way - if you're totally down with Jesus and think he's pwns all, read A River Runs Through It (yes, the book that was made into the movie with Brad Pitt; no, not the one that he spends the whole damn thing shirtless, that's Legends of the Fall). If you think Jesus kind of sux0rs, but still think that fly-fishing is a spiritual experience and it pwns all, read The River Why. I don't know if that's right, but I bet it would look good printed on the back of the dust jacket.

Class of 1987

Myrtle Sykes
LF/3B
Wears a Detroit hat.

Nickname – Sykesy1210
Sex – Female
Age – 82

Personal details
Profile type – Single
Sex – Female
Children – 1, grown
Want children – I’m too old for more!
Date of birth – 1924, May, 21
Height – 4’10” (I think I’m shrinking!)
Body type – Petite
Marital status – Widowed
Income – 30,000 – 50,000/year
Smoker – no
Drinker – rarely

Details of the person you are looking for
I’m looking for a – male
Ranging in age – 60-85
Relationship – Friendship, Romance, Relationship, Marriage, Casual, Travel Partner

Description
I am a blue-eyed, white-haired (used to be blonde) woman with a zest for life. I have been widowed for 10 years and would like to re-enter the dating scene, but I don’t know where to start!

Ideal match description
I am looking for a gentleman who knows how to treat a lady. Specifically, he must be familiar with/have hands-on experience with hardcore bondage/S&M play. Bi-curious is okay, but no one who has had strictly homosexual relationships as they tend to have trouble looking outside of traditional male/female gender roles. Familiarity with torture and autosadism are also pluses, although these can be learned. Nonsmoker preferred.


Corey Maggette
SP
Wears a Pittsburgh hat.

1 top 10 finish in Cy Young voting. Top 20 all-time in ERA and WHIP.

Why is Corey Maggette here? That is a question that has puzzled top scientists from all over the world for weeks, if not months. But why ask those eggheads who can send a man to the moon but can’t figure out how to get that mustard stain out of my favorite green shirt? Let’s go right to the source.

Q: Corey, why are you on a team that is dedicated to men who are exceptionally attractive?
A: Fuck if I know. Look at me. My eyes are too far apart, I have a squashed head, a big wide nose and HUGE lips, even for a black dude.

Q: Perhaps it’s your physique that garnered you a spot amongst the other Adonises playing for Pittsburgh?
A: Well, I keep myself in good shape, that’s true. But no more so than most of the players in the NBA. And just between you and me, I have a tiny penis.

Q: Fascinating. So is there any aspect of you that’s better than average, physically?
A: I have really nice eyelashes. I’ve been told that they “make me look like a bitch” by several teammates.

Q: Thank you, Corey.
A: Any time.

Class of 1986

Hazel Mills
SS
Wears a Detroit hat.

ROY winner. 3 MVP's plus 2 other top 5 finishes and 3 other top 10 finishes. 1 WS MVP. Top 20 all-time in Runs, OBP, Avg and SB.

How do you put the life of Hazel Mills into words? Philosophers have struggled with this task for almost 50 years now. Because philosophers are idiots, considering that she wrote an autobiography, and all the words are right there. A few excerpts (all excerpts are from "My Life: A Book With Words About Me" by Hazel T. Mills, copyright 1934 Amalgamated Powders and Paper Pressings, Duluth MN)

"...his hands were rough. And small, surprisingly small. I'd always been told that the negro had large hands, but it wasn't true. Those hands began to undo my blouse, and I knew right then that the passion of the colored man had not been exaggerated. He began to suck...."

"...it was long and hard in my hand. And shiny, very shiny when I pulled it out. I never hesitated, I simply pulled the trigger and shot the Chinaman, just like that, unfeeling. I hit him in the left shoulder. The Jew lawyer I hired said I was lucky, two inches to his right and I'd have been looking at murder one. But I knew different, that the Chinaman and his yellow brethren would never relent until they controlled the power structures from Fresno to Buffalo. And I have been proven right with time. Fortunately, Sadie Franklin knew how to make gunpowder, and when we had 6 full barrels of it we drove to...."

"....there was no way I was selling my farm to a filthy wop. So I burned it. I'm not ashamed. Sure, I mourned Daniel. I carried him for 9 months, it's always painful to lose a child. But maybe it was for the best - the boy was slow. He was destined to be a shoe shiner or some other degrading position because of his low mental capacity. And I sure as hell wasn't going to watch one of my offspring doing a job that only coloreds and Mexicans are fit for. It's disgraceful. Truth be told, it wasn't the first time I'd attempted to kill Daniel - when he was 7 I attempted to slip arsenic into his cereal but was stopped by...."



William Reid
SP
Wears a New York (NL) hat.

2 Cy Young awards plus 5 other top 10 finishes. Top 20 all-time in Wins, Shutouts and K's.

William Reid was one-half (with his brother Jim) of the core duo that made up the Jesus and Mary Chain. Here is a fascinating video (if you're into that sort of thing) that gives you a good idea of their relationsihp with their audience, and includes the North London Poly Riot (it's a bit jittery). The band was famous for playing short gigs, with their backs to the audience, consisting mostly of feedback. You might think that's a dickish thing to do. But here's the thing - it's an extremely dickish thing to do. The band doesn't care. In fact, the band is just as happy if you ignore them. Which, most likely, you have. But maybe you won't ignore them any more, and you'll go out and listen to Psycho Candy. And you'll probably hate it. But you'll listen to it a few more times and then you'll think "You know, I still kind of hate this, but I can't stop listening to it." And that's the Jesus and Mary Chain in a nutshell. You hate them, but deep down you love them. Believe me, they know. They know.

Class of 1984

Duff Man
C
Wears a New York (AL) hat.

ROY winner. 9 MVP awards plus two other top 5 finishes and 1 top 10 finish. Top 20 all-time in HR, Hits, RBI, Runs.

How do you make fun of something that's already supposed to be a parody? That's easy, by making fun of the show that's doing the parody. But I'm a huge Simpsons homer, and the one true defender-of-the-faith, so I will do no such thing. Instead I will talk about something only tangentially related to Duff Man. "Oh Yeah", by Yello.

"Oh Yeah" is still most famous for playing over several scenes of Ferris Bueller's Day Off, most notably when child molester Principal Rooney gets on the school bus at the end of the movie and has to sit next to the weird chick with gummy bears in her pockets. But even though it is featured in, arguably, the greatest comedy ever made, I believe the song is still tremendously underrated.

Have you ever seen the video? Go ahead, I'll wait. Two mustachioed Swiss dudes mouth goofy lyrics about how the moon and sun are beautiful (that's right, this song is, technically, about something). Now this song violates two cardinal rules of rock - first, it's electronic music, so it's immediately somewhat passionless. Second, it's clearly meant as a goof. I mean, even Eurotrash doesn't think singing about the sun and moon is serious. Normally, there is nothing worse than "rock" bands that sing intentionally stupid songs, which is why the Barenaked Ladies are currently sitting on death row. And yet, it still works. Try not to sing it while you're listening to it, I dare you. You can't. Chigga chigga. Oh yeah, and Duff Man uses it as his theme song. Or something. Whatever.


Bessie Lee Johnson
SP
Wears a Detroit hat.

5 Cy Young awards, plus 5 other top 5 finishes and 3 other top 10 finishes. Top 20 all-time in Wins, Shutouts, ERA, WHIP, K's.

(Guest written by Max_Fischer)
Bessie Lee Johnson achieved little in her hard-scrabble life on a South Carolina farm. But she overcame a fourth-grade education and desperate poverty to become the all-time winningest pitcher in OGL history.

Bessie Lee was known throughout her community as the meanest, cruellest person alive. Perhaps no one feared her more than her own grandchildren (max_fischer among them), whom she called "fat" or "stupid" for her own entertainment (and whom she occasionally threatened to eat).

Scarred by their horrific childhoods, Bessie Lee's own children (six in all) both loved and loathed her, as abused kids are wont to do. But they were of one mind on one thing: Bessie Lee Johnson could flat out pitch.

Winner of FIVE Cy Young Awards, Bessie Lee regularly topped 100 MPH on radar guns and generally terrorized the American League. She also baked lots of cakes (she reportedly goes through one five-pound bag of sugar each WEEK, and the woman lives alone), many of which she ate herself.

Her 372 wins may never be exceeded. Long may she reign.


Blanche Bouchard
SP
Wears a Detroit hat.

2 Cy Young awards plus 4 other top 5 finishes and 2 other top 10 finishes. Top 20 all-time in Wins, Shutouts, ERA, WHIP, K's.

BEAVER LAKE, PA - Blanche T. "Horse Satchel" Bouchard, 89, died Monday at a local nursing home after a long illness.
Mrs. Bouchard (nee Grindel) was born in nearby Elk Grove and moved to Beaver Lake in 1935 when she married Joseph K. "Frog Leg" Bouchard at the age of 18.
Mrs. Bouchard was a long-time member of The Quilting Club of Beaver Lake, and had created several award-winning quilts which were displayed proudly within her home on Randolph Avenue.
Mrs. Bouchard was perhaps most famous to residents of Beaver Lake for the letters she wrote to the Beaver Lake Free Press asking forgiveness for welcoming the two initial Sarien scouts into her home and feeding them for several days, allowing them to regain their strength and ultimately enslave the human race.
She is survived by her children Abraham, 70, Rose, 68 and Charlotte, 63. Services will be held on Thursday at Petersen's Funeral Home, 3895 South Elm Road. Burial will be at Lakefront Cemetary in the spring. All hail our insectoid overlords.

Class of 1981

Grandma Moses
SP
Wears a Detroit hat.

2 Cy Young awards plus 6 other top 5 finishes and 1 other top 10 finish. Top 20 all-time in Wins, Shutouts, ERA, WHIP and K's.
Grandma Moses didn't pick up painting until she was in her 70's, spending much of her life before that time in and out of the protective custody of the state. One of her most well-known paintings, "8-Ball Getting Jacked By Crips Dressed Like Crackheads" was inspired by a real-life incident when Ms. Moses, behind on her payment to local hustler/pimp Freddy "Gunga Din" Cornwell, was in the middle of robbing a neighborhood liquor store when getaway driver Ernie "8-Ball" Fredericks had his getaway car stolen by a group of neighborhood Crips disguised as crack addicts. Ms. Moses would frequently tell the story in her later years with a smile on her face, but it is unlikely she was smiling when she enacted the imfamous and incredibly disturbing punishment on local crime lord Ulysses "Iguana" Thomason that put her on the map in the crime underworld. She never painted that particular scene, although crime scene photographs are still passed around amongst collectors of such things, taking their rightful place alongside photos of Fou-Tchou-Li as the most prized pieces of arcana among that subset.


Jack Bauer
SP
Wears a Pittsburgh hat.

ROY award, 1 Cy Young award. 1 top 5 finish in Fireman award voting. Top 20 all-time in Wins, ERA, WHIP, K's.
What the hell does Jack Bauer do on the days that he isn't saving the universe. I guess the easy answer would be "drinks, a lot" but that would be pejorative and uncalled-for. Mostly I just picture him sitting around in his underwear, watching the Price is Right and eating Golden Grahams and waiting for the phone to ring about another goddamn plot that threatens civilization as we know it. I imagine he spends at least part of his day amusing himself by making fun of Kim for falling into a bear trap. Do you think there are other guys like Jack, foiling other plots around the world? Or was his resume so good that the people who hired him said, you know what, we'll never do better than this, let's just let him handle all of this shit.

Class of 1969

Morrissey
C
Wears a New York (NL) hat.

Top 5 in ROY. 1 MVP, 3 other top 5 finishes. Finished his career in the top 20 in HR, Hits, RBI and Runs. Is an effeminate nancy-boy who writes overwrought, "poetic" song lyrics and doesn't like synthesizers. But at least he's not a ginger like Mick Hucknall.



Yossarian
2B
Wears a St. Louis hat.

1 MVP. Finished in the top 20 for his career in OBP, Slg, OPS and Avg. Is...ah shit, I have nothing clever to write here. Read the book.



Doug E. Fresh
SP
Wears a New York (NL) hat.

5 top 5 finishes in Cy Young. Finished in the top 20 for his career in Wins, Shutouts, ERA, WHIP and K's. Not quite as funny as that guy from Police Academy. Has probably spent more time with Slick Rick than is generally recommended by the Surgeon General.



Megaman
SP
Wears a Detroit hat.

1 Cy Young plus 5 other top 5 finishes. Finished in the top 20 for his career in Wins, Shutouts, ERA, WHIP and K's. For some reason is known as Rockman by the Japanese, which is just more proof that the Japanese are a goddamn weird bunch. Unless, I guess, he's made out of rocks.

Class of 1968 (Initial Class)

Shawn Michaels
CF/3B
Wears a Chicago (AL) hat

1 MVP, 3 top 5 MVP finishes. Finished his career in the top 20 in HR's, Hits, RBI, Runs, Slg, OBP, OPS and Avg. First pick in the initial OGL draft. Winner of "Most Steroids Used" and "Most Latently Homosexual" Superlatives.



Big Red Bear
CF
Wears a New York (AL) hat.

1 ROY, 4 MVP's, one other top 5 MVP finish. Finished in the top 20 in HR's, Hits, RBI, Runs, Slg, OPS. Is just as adorable as Cornell's attempts to play big-boy sports.



Rev Run
2B
Wears a Chicago (NL) hat.

4 MVP's. Finished in the top 20 in Slg, OBP, OPS and Avg. Once part of the biggest act in hip-hop, is now sort of pathetically irrelevant to the point of attempting an Osbornes-esque reality show. Wears a hat.



The Red Terror
LF
Wears a Cleveland hat.

3 MVP's plus one other top 5 finish. Finished in the top 20 in HR, RBI, Slg, OPS and Avg. Continues to be a piece of molded plastic touched only by hands which have never known the loving caress of a woman.



Youppi!
LF
Wears a New York (AL) hat.

1 MVP plus 5 other top 5 finishes. Finished in the career top 20 in HR, Hits, RBI, Runs, Slg, OBP, OPS, Avg. Is tragically unloved.



Alice
SP
Wears a St. Louis hat.

2 Cy Youngs plus 3 other top 5 finishes. Finished in the top 20 in wins, shutouts, ERA and WHIP. Unanimous HOF selection. Winner of "Most precocious" and "Most likely to have adventures in a dreamworld which scares the crap out of all right-minded children" superlatives.



Beavis
SP
Wears a Boston hat.

4 Cy Youngs plus 3 other top 5 finishes. Finished in the top 20 in wins, shutouts, ERA, WHIP and K's. Unanimous selection. Used to like lighting things on....something. Winner of "Most annoying impression for your idiot buddy to do, 1994-1997" superlative.



Mario Mario
SP
Wears a Detroit hat.

2 Cy Youngs plus 4 other top 5 finishes. Finished in the top 20 in wins, shutouts, ERA, WHIP and K's. Generally considered an archetype for Italian people, all of whom are fat plumbers with ridiculous Old-World accents and questionable taste in clothing. Winner of "Most likely to appear in some crap Nintendo game that had Mario and his friends hastily added to the engine to ensure it'll sell" superlative.