Class of 2026

C.R.E.A.M.
C
Wears a Pittsburgh hat.

Can Raekwon Enjoy Another Muffin? (It doesn't matter, he's going to have one anyway.)




Dick Diver
SS
Wears a St. Louis hat.

Dives for dicks, and the occasional bag of dicks. (lol, all women are crazy, both fictional and real.)




Emerson Drive
LF
Wears a Cincinnati hat.

The enemy fleet was rapidly approaching. The Captain, sweat dripping from his brow, barked orders at his first mate.
"The Cylons are closing fast! Is the Emerson Drive ready?"
"Almost set, Captain Kirk! Just a few more calculations.....there!"
"Punch it, Chewie!"
The ship lurched, the stars flared into star bursts, and the crew exploded into spontaneous applause. The Drive had worked. The Spice was safe.


Hedda Gabler
3B
Wears a St. Louis hat.

Manipulative cunt. Norwegian.


Iggy Pop
SP
Wears a New York (NL) hat.

Part time rocker, part time bad actor, one-time junkie. Does not believe in shirts. Not Dr. Manhattan.



Monsieur Meursault
SP
Wears a St. Louis hat.

W supposedly read this on one of his brush-clearing environmental rescue trips to his ranch in Crawford. It'll take a team of psychiatrists to figure that shit out.

Class of 2024

President Abraham Lincoln
SP
Wears a Cleveland hat.

If only. The words that haunt. If only President Lincoln hadn't gone to the theater on that cold, gray evening in April. If only he'd stayed home to play cards, or have sex with his wife, or even a prostitute. Or a dude. Whatever his fancy, if he had stayed home we could have been spared the horrors of the next century and a half (and counting). But he went, and Booth was there too, and he had a gun, and our Abe didn't. And by the end of 1862 the war was all but lost, but the Union hung on for another 3 years, slowly giving ground to the encroaching Confederate forces. If only they had signed the treaty in 1862, perhaps the Union could have removed some of the more onerous passages.

But none of that happened. Abe died, and the war was lost, and the Confederacy proved to be the true dominant force on the North American landmass. Someday perhaps the tide of history will be turned once again, but that day is somewhere on the distant horizon, and this author confesses he can't see it. Perhaps his children, or his grandchildren will see that day.


Norwegian Elkhound
3B/RF
Wears a Brooklyn hat.

Prior to the late-19th century, Norwegian Elkhounds were fairly rare in North America. Today, of course, they're on practically every street corner, pawing through the trash and trying to hump your leg. It is unclear who first brought them over from the Old World but one thing is clear - they make excellent Negro-hunters. With so many slaves fleeing to the Canadian hinterland, and with British Canada showing more and more reluctance to turn slaves over to American authorities (which reached its breaking point with the secession of Alberta to join the renamed Confederate States of North America, from which point forward a de facto state of war has existed between Great Britain and the CSNA), slave owners needed a dog that was capable of hunting your average Negro escapee. Enter the Norwegian Elkhound, particularly suited to cold-climate hunting. A militia of CSNA soldiers wandering across the 49th risks instigating a full-blown nuclear showdown with the Brits, but a single man with a pack of Elkhounds can easily track a runaway slave as far north as Great Bear Lake. In a way, the lowly Elkhound has single-handedly prevented World War IV, and for that perhaps we all owe it our thanks (and our leg).



Shane MacGowan
SP
Wears a New York(NL) hat.

The Minstrels (as they were later dubbed by a hostile Union press) first began arriving on the shores of South Carolina around 1911. Catalans, Roma, Irish. A few Kurds. All came for the same promise - to share their culture, their heritage and especially their music with the well-paying slave-owners that made up the landed gentry of the CSNA (neé CSA). That was the desire, anyway - in truth, many of them ended up as essentially indentured servants, playing shows with other Minstrels for the local slave-owner for little more than a subsistence wage. The Northern press may have called them Minstrels, and created very exaggerated, even offense, caricatures of them in editorial cartoons, but for them it was a living, and it was life.

Shane MacGowan was one such Minstrel, but even from the beginning he was different. He travelled the CSNA as Shane MacGowan and his Minstrel Band of Pogues, but he never accepted the status quo of second-class citizenship, for him or for the slaves who he saw every day tending to their masters while they watched his show. He famously lost most of his teeth as a young man, in a brawl with the son of a local slave-owner, after he allegedly referred to the man as a certain ethnic slur for white people that it is illegal to print. And his music contained many lines that challenged the unfairness of life in the CSNA, always partially hidden from his audiences with his thick Irish brogue. Though his life may have come to a tragic end due to his love of the bottle, he should be remembered for his music above all, and not as the man who's body was found lying face down in an alley in Macon, bottle of gin in hand, his time all too short on this Earth at a mere 15 years, 4 months, 22 days.



MacGowan, with his Minstrel Band in happier times. Note the line about "blacks and Paks and Jocks".

Class of 2023

Eddie Hazel
3B
Wears a New York (NL) hat.

Play like your momma just died.

Class of 2022

Bishop
LF/1B
Wears a Boston hat.

Bishop is a Badass Negro From The Future (is there any kind of Negro From The Future other than a badass one?). See that M on his face? In the future that Bishop is from, that's how Badass Negro (and, to be fair, Lillylivered Cracker) mutants are identified. Bishop's mutant powers involve absorbing and re-channeling energy but really, who needs powers when you can just look at a motherfucker cockeyed and they'd run away?


Steve Diggle
1B
Wears a New York (NL) hat.

Steve Diggle basically became Howard Devoto Mk.II, when Devoto left the Buzzcocks to form Magazine. And if you think it's tough following a legend, well, it's probably not that hard to follow someone who kind of hadn't done shit up to that point. Shelley and Diggle were (are?) the 'Cocks, and if there happens to be a straight line that can be drawn between them and Green Day, well, they'll pay for it in hell some day.



Steve Van Buren
SS/OF
Wears a New York (NL) hat.

Look at that jaw - you could remove his head and use it as a goddamn wrecking ball. If you're surprised to see him wearing kelly green just remind yourself, yes, the Eagles were once the toughest motherfuckers on the block. Perhaps it's true that sports franchises take on the aspects of the city in which they play - the Eagles and Flyers represent the city's rough and tumble nature, and the Phillies represent its latent racism and inferiority complex.

Class of 2021

Siberian Husky
SP
Wears a New York (NL) hat.

Poor Harry the Husky, cursed with a perpetual case of bukakke mouth. I guess it's preferable to working alongside Cuba Gooding Jr.

Class of 2010

Patti Smith
RF
Wears a New York (NL) hat.

There's a story in Legs McNeil's indispensible Please Kill Me where some punk icon is talking about Patty Smith and says something to the effect of "you couldn't tell, because she always wore masculine clothing and baggy shirts, but Patty had really big tits" which stuck with me, for some reason. I guess because it's such a contradictory story about a woman who looks kind of like Susan Sontag and carries herself like a dude, and I like to imagine that Patti would laugh about it.

In any case, Patti Smith is a bad bitch.






William Murderface
SS/3B
Wears a Kansas City hat.

William Murderface is the bassist for Dethklok, fictional band featured in Adult Swim's "Metalocalypse". This show is, unsurprisingly, popular among the young, stoned and unemployable. Murderface has one of those Lou Holtz lisps, is really violent and pisses in inappropriate locations. If you don't think that description can sustain one of the main characters in a cartoon sitcom over 26 (and counting) episodes, you've never seen Adult Swim.


Ben Matlock
SP
Wears a Washington hat.

Andy Griffith is all grown up, and now he's got a law degree and is asleep on the couch in front of "Wheel of Fortune" by 8:00 every night! Despite running for 24 seasons, from 1972 to 1995, and spawning the hit catch-phrase "That's my monkey!", centerpiece of Steve Garvey's successful 1988 Presidential bid, "Matlock" is still probably best-known as the series that spun off hit television show "Jake and the Fatman".


Lily Munster
SP
Wears a Washington hat.

The Munsters seems like the classic example of pitch-as-premise (they're living in suburbia, but they're monsters!) As far as I can tell (and I've never watched this stupid show, so I could be wrong) they pretty much go through all the sitcom motions: weird new jobs, long-lost cousins, double-entendre misunderstandings. Yvonne DeCarlo also played Moses' chaste cipher of a wife in The Ten Commandments - alongside uber-hams like Chuck Heston, Anne Baxter and Yul Brenner, the character she played might as well have been played by a two-by-four with a smiley face painted on it.

Class of 2004

Ivan Nickolaevich Bezdomny
LF
Wears a New York (NL) hat.

Ivan Nickolaevich Ponyryov (who uses the pseudonym Bezdomny, which means "homeless", as a writer of poetry) is a peripheral character in Mikhail Bulgakov's novel The Master and Margarita. A full English translation can be accessed here. Bezdomny appearances bookend the novel, which revolves around the appearance of the devil in Moscow (as a dapper, refined gentleman, and isn't he always these days). The book was written between 1928 and 1940 - Bulgakov died in 1940, having mostly finished his novel, but it didn't actually see the light of day until 1966, when it was serialized, in an edited version, in Moscow magazine. The edits may have softened the blow but it was still a subversive, anti-establishment work, and it quickly became a contemporary classic, passed around and discussed by the Russian intelligentsia. It supposedly holds a particular high place in the psyche of the Russian people - it has been adapted a handful of times into other media, but there are stories (like with Don Quixote) of a curse on them, including one version that was filmed in 1994 and, like the original novel, was buried, this time for copyright reasons, although DVD versions have since appeared.

This is a pretty comprehensive site about the novel, if anyone is interested.

(Mikhail Bulgakov)

Class of 2003

Ian Curtis
SP
Wears a New York (NL) hat.

Ian Curtis, for those who don't know, was the singer/lyricist/Gloommaster General of seminal post-punk band Joy Division. If you've never listened to Joy Division, you should go do so right now. Unless...you've ever thought to yourself, "you know what song I really like? "Proud to be an American" by Lee Greenwood". If that's the case, go kill yourself.

If you're still alive, you're doing better than Ian Curtis, who is definitely not. The answer to this mystery is: Ian Curtis, with a rope, in the kitchen. Most people who write dour, gloomy, borderline suicidal lyrics are really well-adjusted, sane, happy people, right? Well, not this one - he did all of those things, and he was actually totally fucked up. So he put on The Idiot and watched a lesser-known Werner Herzog movie, Stroszek, and hanged himself (Werner Herzog, by the way, is totally still alive and we're all the better for it; Iggy Pop is also still alive, and that one's a mystery to just about everyone). So his band dissolved, but then they said fuck it and reformed themselves as New Order and they added a nice, happy chick and decided to make nice, happy music . Eventually. First they made sad, Curtis-y music. It gives me some amount of pleasure to imagine that yes, "Blue Monday", their biggest post-Curtis hit, is in fact about Ian Curtis, mostly because it would be the most perfectly catty response to someone who did themselves in and left the rest of their band hanging. If the Doors had written a song called, "Go Fuck Yourself You Pompous Fucking Asshole" right after Jim Morrison drowned in his bathtub or whatever "romantic" rock and roll death he gave himself which is actually just another disgusting, fleshy, rotten death, then I would respect them. But instead they help perpetuate the myth of Morrison as some high and mighty rock God instead of the pathetic, self-absorbed, needy junkie that he actually was, so fuck them.

In other words, Curtis made awesome music, but there is nothing in the least bit romantic about offing yourself at 24 because you'd rather live up to some retarded fucking rock and roll myth than get some help for your problems and make more than 3 goddamn albums that we have to play over and over in lieu of, you know, having you still around.

Class of 1993

Romesh Kaluwitharana
C
Wears a Cincinnati hat.

(guest written by velguth)
Quite unlike with Brian Lara, who I got to know a lot about and is a true star in world cricket, Kaluwitharana got his name almost entirely because he has a funny name. "Romesh" + six syllables? Hell, yeah! I mean, a boatload of Sri Lankans have long, funny names, but Romesh had one of the best.
It should be said that he was the wicketkeeper for the Sri Lankan national team in that 1999 World Cup that introduced me to cricket. So he must have been fairly good, as I bet there were a few million other Sri Lankan lads willing to play that role. And as I look him up, I find adjectives like "diminutive" and descriptions like "extremely popular" and "loved for his perma-smile behind the stumps". And apparently he did some great things in the 1996 World Cup. But that's all news to me. I just liked the name.

(Commentary by FuriousGiorge)
Sri Lanka used to be called Ceylon. It is shaped like a tear drop. They grow a lot of tea. Arthur C. Clarke lives there and is able to maintain dual citizenship, which is a nice side benefit of coming from a country that once controlled something like 50% of the world's brown people. Like, of course, Romesh Kaluwitharana.

Steve Jones
1B/RF
Wears a New York (NL) hat.

I think it's safe to say that Steve Jones is the coolest ever punk who also has Peter Sutcliffe's dodgy perm. Johnny Rotten may have been the public face of the Sex Pistols when it still existed, and Sid Vicious may have become the unfortunate public face of the band after its dissolution, but Steve Jones was the person most responsible for whatever musical quality the band possessed. Never Mind the Bollocks.... is a misunderstood album in many ways - it's regarded as this raw, un-selfconscious punk opus, but in reality it's as slickly produced as any horrible 80's hair metal album. The guitars, in particular, are overtracked and give the album its distinctive sound. It's not the sound of a punk band on stage, but it's an interesting sound nonetheless and it's Steve Jones that makes it unique.

Paul Weller claims the Pistols stole the riff for "Holidays in the Sun" from The Jam's "In the City" but no one really cares what Paul Weller thinks anymore.


?uestlove
RP
Wears a St. Louis hat.

This made me laugh:

Henry Adaso: Realistically, how long do you think The Roots has as a group?
?uestlove: Rich [Nichols] thinks we have four more relevant records in us, before we become the Neville Brothers or the Rolling Stones.

Take that, Aaron Neville! And, the other Neville Brothers! Whoever the hell you are! The Roots are at the forefront of the burgeoning Philadelphia Hip-Hop Scene which I probably just made up right now but which seems like it should exist if only to wipe the horrible aftertaste of The Band Which I Will Not Name But Which Also Comes From Philadelphia out of my mouth. The Roots are as good as advertised. I'm even willing to forgive them for their close association with professional wigger Scott Storch. Here's a question that has (almost) nothing to do with ?uestlove - why are rappers always talking about/sampling/working with Coldplay? It's puzzling. It's as if George Clinton was constantly playing covers of songs by Bread or Air Supply.

Class of 1986

Hazel Mills
SS
Wears a Detroit hat.

ROY winner. 3 MVP's plus 2 other top 5 finishes and 3 other top 10 finishes. 1 WS MVP. Top 20 all-time in Runs, OBP, Avg and SB.

How do you put the life of Hazel Mills into words? Philosophers have struggled with this task for almost 50 years now. Because philosophers are idiots, considering that she wrote an autobiography, and all the words are right there. A few excerpts (all excerpts are from "My Life: A Book With Words About Me" by Hazel T. Mills, copyright 1934 Amalgamated Powders and Paper Pressings, Duluth MN)

"...his hands were rough. And small, surprisingly small. I'd always been told that the negro had large hands, but it wasn't true. Those hands began to undo my blouse, and I knew right then that the passion of the colored man had not been exaggerated. He began to suck...."

"...it was long and hard in my hand. And shiny, very shiny when I pulled it out. I never hesitated, I simply pulled the trigger and shot the Chinaman, just like that, unfeeling. I hit him in the left shoulder. The Jew lawyer I hired said I was lucky, two inches to his right and I'd have been looking at murder one. But I knew different, that the Chinaman and his yellow brethren would never relent until they controlled the power structures from Fresno to Buffalo. And I have been proven right with time. Fortunately, Sadie Franklin knew how to make gunpowder, and when we had 6 full barrels of it we drove to...."

"....there was no way I was selling my farm to a filthy wop. So I burned it. I'm not ashamed. Sure, I mourned Daniel. I carried him for 9 months, it's always painful to lose a child. But maybe it was for the best - the boy was slow. He was destined to be a shoe shiner or some other degrading position because of his low mental capacity. And I sure as hell wasn't going to watch one of my offspring doing a job that only coloreds and Mexicans are fit for. It's disgraceful. Truth be told, it wasn't the first time I'd attempted to kill Daniel - when he was 7 I attempted to slip arsenic into his cereal but was stopped by...."



William Reid
SP
Wears a New York (NL) hat.

2 Cy Young awards plus 5 other top 10 finishes. Top 20 all-time in Wins, Shutouts and K's.

William Reid was one-half (with his brother Jim) of the core duo that made up the Jesus and Mary Chain. Here is a fascinating video (if you're into that sort of thing) that gives you a good idea of their relationsihp with their audience, and includes the North London Poly Riot (it's a bit jittery). The band was famous for playing short gigs, with their backs to the audience, consisting mostly of feedback. You might think that's a dickish thing to do. But here's the thing - it's an extremely dickish thing to do. The band doesn't care. In fact, the band is just as happy if you ignore them. Which, most likely, you have. But maybe you won't ignore them any more, and you'll go out and listen to Psycho Candy. And you'll probably hate it. But you'll listen to it a few more times and then you'll think "You know, I still kind of hate this, but I can't stop listening to it." And that's the Jesus and Mary Chain in a nutshell. You hate them, but deep down you love them. Believe me, they know. They know.

Class of 1980

Alcohol
LF
Wears a New York (NL) hat.

Top 5 in ROY voting. Top 20 all-time in OBP and Batting average.
Did you know:
*Methanol, or "wood alcohol", can make you go blind, but only if you're a huge pussy who can't take his alcohol and you're not one, are you?
*Studies have shown that if you use alcohol as a fuel source you are wasting precious precious alcohol?
*People who don't drink alcohol, or "teetotalers" as they are known, are fucking weird?
*Drinking laboratory alcohol can make you cranky and irritable to the point where you make a big fuss about draft picks?
*The perfect vessel for drinking alcohol is Elizabeth Shue's naked breasts, followed by Denise Richards' naked breasts? And that in no circumstances should you attempt to drink alcohol off of any part of Bea Arthur's anatomy unless you have a well-formed escape plan in mind?
*The best way to get rid of a hangover is to die of alcohol poisoning?

Class of 1973

Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor
CF
Wears a New York (NL) hat.

ROY top 5, 2 MVP top 5 finishes. Top 20 in 5 statistical categories (HR, Hits, RBI, Runs, SB)
1991. America has just escaped from the long nightmare of the Gulf War. Desperate for someone, anyone to take their minds off of the harsh realities of early-90's life, like a savior from the heavens along comes Tim Allen to prove that the American sitcom can be taken in completely new directions and America will still respond like they always have. With laughter. From the exasperated wife, to the adorable children, to the bumbling father figure, on Home Improvement as in life no problem will ever last more than 24 minutes. And if that weren't enough, in comes the wacky neighbor, the perenially single coworker and the impossibly hot "Tool Time Girl" to provide more fodder for Tim Allen's unique brand of inoffensive, middle of the road comedy. We were in good hands with Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor for 8 years, getting us through the tough times with comedy that, as your grandma might put it, "is some seriously bland and watered-down shite". Indeed grandma. Indeed.


Kronprins Frederik
SP
Wears a Cincinnati hat.

Top 20 in 5 statistical categories (Wins, Shutouts, ERA, WHIP, K's).
Between the Crown Prince and Prince William in England, it is clear that European royalty has found its niche, and that niche is filled to the brim with SEXY.
Did you know: Prince Frederik's mother, Queen Margrethe II, is an accomplished painter who has contributed art to the Danish editions of The Lord of the Rings, making her the only monarch currently alive to answer to the phrase "Hey, geek". This is contrary to popular opinion which considers her one of two monarchs to answer to that phrase - Prince Charles, of course, only recognizes the phrase, "Hey, sissy."


Tycho Brahe
SP
Wears a Washington hat.

2 Cy Young awards plus 1 other top 5 finish. Top 20 in 5 statistical categories (Wins, Shutouts, ERA, WHIP, K's)
Three things you need to know about Tycho Brahe:
1)He was a brilliant scientist and a fanatical data collector, who nevertheless stuck by the old Ptolemaic system of believing that the Earth was the center of the Universe.
2)He kept a dwarf named Jepp, who he believed was clairvoyant, as a jester. Jepp stayed under the table during dinner.
3)Like seemingly every other brilliant mind of the Enlightenment era, he died by ingesting some sort of horrible poison (mercury, in this case). Not quite brilliant enough to assume that putting every interesting substance they came across into their mouths was not such a great idea.

Class of 1971

Wal*Mart
2B
Wears a New York (AL) hat.

ROY top 5. Top 20 in 4 statistical categories (HR, Hits, RBI, Runs)
Not the corporate giant, but a fairly low-level parody of the corporate giant. About as funny as its namesake's copy of Richard Pryor's landmark comedy album "That Nigger's Crazy". Has a longstanding feud with fellow alter-ego TARGET that is the message board equivalent of dead air.



Joe Strummer
SP
Wears a New York (NL) hat.
8 Cy Youngs, plus 5 other top 5 finishes. Top 20 in 5 statistical categories (Wins, Shutouts, ERA, WHIP, K's)
Punk icon, actor, reggae shill. About as cool as it gets for a graduate of a fruity English boarding school.



Phoenix Lord Baharroth
SP
Wears a Cleveland hat.

1 Cy Young plus 3 other top 5 finishes. Top 20 in 4 statistical categories (Wins, Shutouts, ERA, K's)
"Baharroth is believed to be the finest pupil of Asurmen. He was the winged Phoenix and founder of the Swooping Hawk Aspect."
If you understand what those words mean, there is about a 95% chance that you sweat Mountain Dew and artificial cheese flavoring. Copiously.



Reginald Iolanthe Perrin
SP
Wears a Washington hat.

2 Cy Young awards. 1 World Series MVP. Top 20 in 4 statistical categories (Wins, Shutouts, ERA, WHIP)
From "The Fall and Rise of Reginald Perrin". Most famous for the last episode of the first season where Reginald faked his suicide by leaving his clothes on a beach and running into the ocean. Ironically, he was unsuccessful in his attempt due to the fact that a family of Japanese tourists spotted him and mobbed him, assuming he was filming a British sitcom, since all British sitcoms involve several jokes about pasty old white guys showing the audience their bare ass.

Class of 1970

Anders Morgenthaler
SS
Wears a New York (NL) hat.

1 MVP win plus 5 other top 5 finishes. Top 5 in ROY. Top 20 in 5 statistical categories (HR, Hits, Runs, Avg, SB).
Some goofy Danish comic strip creator whose sense of humor makes as little sense in English as Ignite's. Possibly funny in Danish.



Lord Dante
RF
Wears a Cleveland hat.

1 MVP top 5 finish. Top 20 in 4 statistical categories (Slg, OBP, OPS, Avg)
LORD DANTE, COMMANDER of the BLOOD ANGELS!
Jesus Christ.



Ron Asheton
2B
Wears a New York (NL) hat.

ROY award winner. 1 MVP plus 1 other top 5 finish. Top 20 in 5 statistical categories (HR, Hits, RBI, Runs, SB)
Once the guitarist for the loudest, most dangerous band on the face of the earth, forming the blueprint for punk music. Now, a big fat guy who happens to have Iggy Pop's phone number.



Billy the Marlin
SP
Wears a New York (AL) hat.

2 Cy Youngs, 4 other top 5 finishes. Top 20 in 5 statistical categories (Wins, Shutouts, ERA, WHIP, K's)
Billy has an official bio and it never once mentions his dildo nose.



Cut-Throat Jake
SP
Wears a Pittsburgh hat.

2 Cy Young awards plus 2 other top 5 finishes. Top 20 in 3 statistical categories (Shutouts, ERA, WHIP)
You probably thought Cut-Throat Jake was a dangerous pirate. That he terrorized the high seas and possibly murdered people for looking at him funny. That he had a plank and it told the story of a thousand sailors who had walked to their doom in the shark-infested Atlantic. You would be wrong. Cut-Throat Jake was the bad guy in some retarded English cartoon.

Class of 1969

Morrissey
C
Wears a New York (NL) hat.

Top 5 in ROY. 1 MVP, 3 other top 5 finishes. Finished his career in the top 20 in HR, Hits, RBI and Runs. Is an effeminate nancy-boy who writes overwrought, "poetic" song lyrics and doesn't like synthesizers. But at least he's not a ginger like Mick Hucknall.



Yossarian
2B
Wears a St. Louis hat.

1 MVP. Finished in the top 20 for his career in OBP, Slg, OPS and Avg. Is...ah shit, I have nothing clever to write here. Read the book.



Doug E. Fresh
SP
Wears a New York (NL) hat.

5 top 5 finishes in Cy Young. Finished in the top 20 for his career in Wins, Shutouts, ERA, WHIP and K's. Not quite as funny as that guy from Police Academy. Has probably spent more time with Slick Rick than is generally recommended by the Surgeon General.



Megaman
SP
Wears a Detroit hat.

1 Cy Young plus 5 other top 5 finishes. Finished in the top 20 for his career in Wins, Shutouts, ERA, WHIP and K's. For some reason is known as Rockman by the Japanese, which is just more proof that the Japanese are a goddamn weird bunch. Unless, I guess, he's made out of rocks.