Class of 2042

Ho Chi Minh
2B
Wears a Chicago(NL) hat.

If I was a wingnut, I'd be torn about the lessons to be drawn from the remarkable life of Ho Chi Minh. On the one hand, the debacles of the latter-half of the 20th century in Vietnam could have been avoided if the French had had the good sense to let go of their colonial empire like the British did. So, blame the French, which would be one of my default modes. On the other hand, you know, he's a Communist. So, blame Barack Obama, who's also a Communist. In any case, you know what's really weird? Written Vietnamese.

Class of 2039

Dr. Valery Fabrikant
3B
Wears a Chicago (NL) hat.

Some whackjob who snapped and killed 4 of his colleagues in the Mechanical Engineering department at Concordia University in Montreal.

I don't have a problem with Geoff's theme (although I did ask him not to rename a player after him, because I have no desire to see his name or write his bio) but these run-of-the-mill spree shooters are just so uninteresting to me. Yes, I'm a biased observer because of him, but doing what these guys do is so fucking easy. Get some guns, find a bunch of unarmed victims, shoot until you're busted or killed, by your own hand or the cops'. Your average serial killer is just as despicable of a person as your average spree killer, sometimes more so, since some of them do some pretty unspeakable things, but at least a serial killer commits his crime with some planning, actually plans it out so he gets away. Spree killing is just so fucking lazy.

Class of 1983

Erick Sermon
2B
Wears a Chicago (NL) hat.

WS MVP award. Top 20 all-time in HR, Hits, RBI, Runs, SB.

Erick Sermon, for those who don't know (the old guys, the hip-hop avoiders) made his name as half (along with Parrish Smith) of EPMD, a group that released 6 albums between 1988 and 1999, all of which had the word "business" in the title. A confession, before I continue - I don't like EPMD that much.

If Public Enemy was The Clash of late-80's hip-hop (a huge oversimplification, but I'm using this comparison for the sake of making a point) then EPMD was The Sex Pistols. Whereas PE directed their (considerable) anger upwards at the power structure, and downwards at the apathy of the young and the black, EPMD mostly focused their anger in a parallel direction, at everyone else in hip-hop. This isn't entirely accurate - PE was legitimately angry at, well, pretty much everything, whereas EPMD were more of a party band that happened to like to take shots at other rappers. But the nastiness of some of their tracks is pretty much unavoidable, and even though it's easy to appreciate their rhymes and their wide array of samples, it's hard to listen to their albums without wanting to tell them to tone it down, or direct it at someone who deserves it.

Anyway, Erick Sermon has continued to rap and produce without his former partner, who is probably dead*, but as with all other musicians who leave a well-regarded band for a solo career, has so far been unable to duplicate the critical or commercial success of the heyday of EPMD.

* This may be a completely untrue statement.

Class of 1977

Mos Def
RF
Wears a Chicago (NL) hat.

ROY winner. 3 MVP's plus 5 other top 5 finishes. Top 20 all-time in HR, Hits, RBI, Runs and SB.
What's there to say about Mos Def? Well, how about this - even white people love Mos Def. And not in the vaguely Stepin Fetchitesque way we embraced MC Hammer. We love him because he's both smart and outspoken, not in spite of it. Plus, and let's be honest here, it's entirely possible that he's actually a better actor than musician, and that'll warm the heart of the snootiest intellectual elite who thinks hip hop has something to do with C&C Music Factory. Mos Def - even beloved by white people.



Gilligan
SP
Wears a Washington hat.

1 Cy Young. Top 20 all-time in Wins, Shutouts, ERA, WHIP and K's.
Gilligan's Island lasted 3 seasons, the same as the original Star Trek. Most people would probably assume both shows lasted longer, due to their constant rotation through syndication. They just SEEM like they went on forever. Plus, any episode is pretty much like any other episode, so it's basically impossible to tell when they roll over. In fact, I'll go ahead and save you the trouble of watching any more episodes:
The castaways find a way off the island.
Gilligan fucks it up.
They do not get to leave.
Actually, between points 2 and 3 should probably go "Group orgy with Mary Ann and Ginger" but they never show it, so I'll leave it out. It's there though, you know it is.

Class of 1975

Grant Hart
SS
Wears a Chicago (NL) hat.

ROY winner. 5 MVP awards plus 2 other top 5 finishes. 1 World Series MVP. Top 20 all-time in 4 categories (Hits, RBI, Runs, SB)
Drummer/Songwriter for legendary Minneapolis post-punk band Husker Du. Is there anything in rock and roll that looks more hideous than a drummer that sings? Drummers aren't rock stars - they're people who hang around with rock stars. Think of the famous drummer/singers. Don Henley. Phil Collins. The dude from The Romantics on "What I Like About You". What do these people have in common? That's right - they're douchebags. There's a reason this is a rare species. There is a process of natural selection at work in rock. If you have a gimmick like a singing drummer or a guy who only plays the flute, chicks will think you're lame, and 80% of the reason for the other guys in the band to hang around with you (to meet chicks at college party gigs) will be gone. So where does Grant Hart fit in? Well 66% of Husker Du, including Hart, was gay. Therefore, that incentive is gone, leaving Grant as the singing drummer. And since every songwriting pair must by law be compared to Lennon/McCartney, I will tell you that Hart was the McCartney to Bob Mould's Lennon.

Class of 1968 (Initial Class)

Shawn Michaels
CF/3B
Wears a Chicago (AL) hat

1 MVP, 3 top 5 MVP finishes. Finished his career in the top 20 in HR's, Hits, RBI, Runs, Slg, OBP, OPS and Avg. First pick in the initial OGL draft. Winner of "Most Steroids Used" and "Most Latently Homosexual" Superlatives.



Big Red Bear
CF
Wears a New York (AL) hat.

1 ROY, 4 MVP's, one other top 5 MVP finish. Finished in the top 20 in HR's, Hits, RBI, Runs, Slg, OPS. Is just as adorable as Cornell's attempts to play big-boy sports.



Rev Run
2B
Wears a Chicago (NL) hat.

4 MVP's. Finished in the top 20 in Slg, OBP, OPS and Avg. Once part of the biggest act in hip-hop, is now sort of pathetically irrelevant to the point of attempting an Osbornes-esque reality show. Wears a hat.



The Red Terror
LF
Wears a Cleveland hat.

3 MVP's plus one other top 5 finish. Finished in the top 20 in HR, RBI, Slg, OPS and Avg. Continues to be a piece of molded plastic touched only by hands which have never known the loving caress of a woman.



Youppi!
LF
Wears a New York (AL) hat.

1 MVP plus 5 other top 5 finishes. Finished in the career top 20 in HR, Hits, RBI, Runs, Slg, OBP, OPS, Avg. Is tragically unloved.



Alice
SP
Wears a St. Louis hat.

2 Cy Youngs plus 3 other top 5 finishes. Finished in the top 20 in wins, shutouts, ERA and WHIP. Unanimous HOF selection. Winner of "Most precocious" and "Most likely to have adventures in a dreamworld which scares the crap out of all right-minded children" superlatives.



Beavis
SP
Wears a Boston hat.

4 Cy Youngs plus 3 other top 5 finishes. Finished in the top 20 in wins, shutouts, ERA, WHIP and K's. Unanimous selection. Used to like lighting things on....something. Winner of "Most annoying impression for your idiot buddy to do, 1994-1997" superlative.



Mario Mario
SP
Wears a Detroit hat.

2 Cy Youngs plus 4 other top 5 finishes. Finished in the top 20 in wins, shutouts, ERA, WHIP and K's. Generally considered an archetype for Italian people, all of whom are fat plumbers with ridiculous Old-World accents and questionable taste in clothing. Winner of "Most likely to appear in some crap Nintendo game that had Mario and his friends hastily added to the engine to ensure it'll sell" superlative.