Class of 1993

Romesh Kaluwitharana
C
Wears a Cincinnati hat.

(guest written by velguth)
Quite unlike with Brian Lara, who I got to know a lot about and is a true star in world cricket, Kaluwitharana got his name almost entirely because he has a funny name. "Romesh" + six syllables? Hell, yeah! I mean, a boatload of Sri Lankans have long, funny names, but Romesh had one of the best.
It should be said that he was the wicketkeeper for the Sri Lankan national team in that 1999 World Cup that introduced me to cricket. So he must have been fairly good, as I bet there were a few million other Sri Lankan lads willing to play that role. And as I look him up, I find adjectives like "diminutive" and descriptions like "extremely popular" and "loved for his perma-smile behind the stumps". And apparently he did some great things in the 1996 World Cup. But that's all news to me. I just liked the name.

(Commentary by FuriousGiorge)
Sri Lanka used to be called Ceylon. It is shaped like a tear drop. They grow a lot of tea. Arthur C. Clarke lives there and is able to maintain dual citizenship, which is a nice side benefit of coming from a country that once controlled something like 50% of the world's brown people. Like, of course, Romesh Kaluwitharana.

Steve Jones
1B/RF
Wears a New York (NL) hat.

I think it's safe to say that Steve Jones is the coolest ever punk who also has Peter Sutcliffe's dodgy perm. Johnny Rotten may have been the public face of the Sex Pistols when it still existed, and Sid Vicious may have become the unfortunate public face of the band after its dissolution, but Steve Jones was the person most responsible for whatever musical quality the band possessed. Never Mind the Bollocks.... is a misunderstood album in many ways - it's regarded as this raw, un-selfconscious punk opus, but in reality it's as slickly produced as any horrible 80's hair metal album. The guitars, in particular, are overtracked and give the album its distinctive sound. It's not the sound of a punk band on stage, but it's an interesting sound nonetheless and it's Steve Jones that makes it unique.

Paul Weller claims the Pistols stole the riff for "Holidays in the Sun" from The Jam's "In the City" but no one really cares what Paul Weller thinks anymore.


?uestlove
RP
Wears a St. Louis hat.

This made me laugh:

Henry Adaso: Realistically, how long do you think The Roots has as a group?
?uestlove: Rich [Nichols] thinks we have four more relevant records in us, before we become the Neville Brothers or the Rolling Stones.

Take that, Aaron Neville! And, the other Neville Brothers! Whoever the hell you are! The Roots are at the forefront of the burgeoning Philadelphia Hip-Hop Scene which I probably just made up right now but which seems like it should exist if only to wipe the horrible aftertaste of The Band Which I Will Not Name But Which Also Comes From Philadelphia out of my mouth. The Roots are as good as advertised. I'm even willing to forgive them for their close association with professional wigger Scott Storch. Here's a question that has (almost) nothing to do with ?uestlove - why are rappers always talking about/sampling/working with Coldplay? It's puzzling. It's as if George Clinton was constantly playing covers of songs by Bread or Air Supply.

Class of 1992

Brian Lara
RF
Wears a Cincinnati hat.

(Guest written by velguth)
I first started paying attention to cricket in the 1999 World Cup. Working with a New Zealander and an Indian who were big fans of their national teams, I adopted the West Indies as my team to support, largely on the grounds that they were the only team that mattered from the Western Hemisphere. Brian Lara was by far their best player, and still is. Essentially he's been the only "world class" player they've had during the last decade or so, which is kind of sad because in the past (e.g. 1980's) the West Indies were as good as anyone in world cricket.

Anyway, Lara quickly became my favorite player. He's a proud black dude with an attitude somehow more remniscent of U.S. athletes than most cricket "gentlemen". He's outspoken, often selfish, and not a particularly good leader (he was stripped of national team captaincy -- a big deal -- at least once). Vaguely Iversonian. And he's also been erratic over his career, with extended highs and extended lows, perhaps best likened to Jaromir Jagr's career arc.

But in his good stretches, he's a monster. At times he gets called "probably the best batsman in the world". Of the 10 greatest batting performances in the history of cricket, he probably has 3 of them (more than any other player). He periodically wins matches ENTIRELY by himself with his batting. Even when he's been scuffling for a while, every opponent fears him getting back on track that day. Basically, and I wouldn't say this about perhaps any other cricketer, he's a bad ass.

(FuriousGiorge's comment on the guest-bio):
Did you know that they make a cricket game for the PS2? Of course you did, how silly of me. And on the cover? None other than Mr. Lara himself. That's right - for sheer, mind-numbing....awesomeness, it's Brian Lara Cricket 2007. Not sold yet? Okay, here are some funny cricket words:

Gazunder
Googly
Hoik
Jaffa
Perfume ball
Quack trick
Slog
Windy Wush
Zooter

Cricket - it's not just for twee British fairies anymore. Okay, it's still mostly for twee British fairies, but occasionally a bad motherfucker like Brian Lara slips through.



Capital City Goofball
Everywhere
Wears a New York (AL) hat.

Capital City Goofball is the mascot for the Capital City Capitals. He is big and goofy and looks a bit like the Phillie Phanatic. If you think the Phillie Phanatic is inherently funny, well, first of all, you're probably 7 years old. And second, you probably think the Goofball is hilarious. These are the Goofball's funniest lines:
"Ah Mancini. The mascot's best friend."
"If there's anything I can do for you, just squeeze the wheeze."
He only featured prominently in one episode, that crappy one where Homer tells the story about going to the big leagues as a second-rate mascot and going down in flames. Occasionally he still shows up out of nowhere in an episode, like the unloved version of Bumblebee Man or Sideshow Mel. And he honks his fucking nose. Pure. Comedy. Gold.


Tony Reali
SS
Wears a Cleveland hat.

I could go both ways on Tony Reali. On the one hand, he seems like kind of a douchebag. On the other hand, I could easily believe that he's just a dude who plays a douchebag on TV. We can all probably agree on this - he's no Max Kellerman, mostly because he's not borderline retarded. Have I mentioned that Jay Mariotti is a cum-guzzler in this bio yet? Oh, I guess I just did. So, in conclusion, Jay Marrioti guzzles cum.


Don Quixote de la Mancha
SP
Wears a St. Louis hat.

I'll be honest - I've never read the novel. If you want a proper bio of the man read the book or, perhaps more appropriately, the Cleland Notes version. So I'm no expert on Don Quixote the character, but what I do know about are urban legends and movies. Cervantes, in the original text of Don Quixote, wrote:

For me alone was Don Quixote born,
and I for him; he to act, and I to record;
in a word, we were destined for each other...
let the wearied and mouldering bones
of Don Quixote rest in the grave...

This was directed at another author who wrote and published an unauthorized sequel, but the message remains clear - don't fuck with Don Quixote, or Don Quixote will fuck with you. Orson Welles attempted to film Don Quixote: he died before he could finish it. Fernando Rey died while he was filming a version for Spanish television. The film version of Man of La Mancha is...sort of a piece of shit. Okay, that's a bit weak. But the big one was when Terry Gilliam attempted to film his version (The Man Who Killed Don Quixote) - flash floods, a star that developed a double hernia and could no longer film his scenes, color changes that made earlier shots unusable, fighter jets that wiped out dialogue on the soundtrack. Just a disaster from day one, a movie that would not be made. Cervantes, it seems, is a petty son of a bitch, even from beyond the grave (Orson Welles got some measure of revenge when he put his own curse on Heart of Darkness, and you can ask Martin Sheen how that one worked out).

Class of 1991

Clara Barton
3B
Wears a Washington hat.

Clara Barton was, without question, one of the great humanitarians in the history of the world, a tireless and selfless woman who did so much good that it is almost unfathomable. She also once murdered, in cold blood, every man, woman and child in the small Texas hamlet of Bridgeport because a rumor reached her ears that a man living in the town called her a "wide-hipped cow with the bosom of an 8-year old girl". I leave it to you to decide whether her charitable acts balance that heinous crime out.


Ruby Faucette
SS/3B
Wears a St. Louis hat.

Ruby Faucette was born on April 25, 1898 to Joseph and Eustice Faucette in Tucker, Mississippi. The young Ruby was noted for being exceptionally bright and curious, and it is this curiosity that would fuel her interest in biology, physics and the black arts. The little girl was known for being restless, even for a denizen of this sleepy town, and at 18 she took a train to San Francisco, where she boarded a steamer to the Orient be tutored by the mysterious Li Shoon in the use of black magicks. When Ruby was next spotted in San Francisco, in late 1965, she had refashioned herself, through occult rituals known only to herself, as a man by the name of Danny Glover. Ruby was able to live out an entire lifetime as Glover, becoming a very succesful actor and political activist, and her secret was only known by a select few. Upon the apparent death of Glover in 2023, from "natural causes" (in which no body was displayed at the funeral, and the coffin was placed in an unmarked grave), Faucette once again disappeared, and her whereabouts at this time are unknown. It is to be guessed that she has assumed a new identity, having become weary of the old one (and the difficult questions that an unaging Danny Glover would bring about), and this identity will make itself known soon.

Class of 1990

Hairy Dawg
3B
Wears a Cincinnati hat.

This is the mascot for the University of Georgia Bulldogs. His name is Uga and he (or one of has ancestors) has been around since 1958, long enough to be considered a venerable tradition. Here is another picture of a University of Georgia mascot Can you see the difference? I'll give you a minute. Okay, give up? The first is a real dog, which is cool even if its ripped off from Yale, and the second is a fucking muppet who looks vaguely like a dog. If you were to read this USA Today article, you would have to come to the conclusion that the writers either A) have terrible taste in mascots or B) are idiots. Because either they really love Hairy Dawg, or they (more likely) think Uga is Hairy Dawg. But he is not. And Hairy Dawg sucks.

(The only thing that makes Hairy Dawg remotely palatable is a sexy coed.)

Class of 1989

Bosco "B.A." Baracus
LF
Wears a Washington hat.

You might think BA was just Mr. T with a cool van but that's where you're wrong, jack - BA was afraid of flying and Mr. T isn't. I guess. That is just one of ones of distinctions between Mr. T and BA Baracus. BA, of course, was the handyman of the A-Team, as well as being the token. He eschewed subterfuge for less subtle, punchier solutions, presumably because he's incredibly stupid and can't figure out that a more reasonable haircut and less gold chains would help him blend in better.
The A-Team perfected their own unique version of the Stormtrooper Effect - not only could the bad guys not hit the broad side of a barn with fully automatic weapons, but the A-Team was equally inept with anything other than high explosives aimed at structures and vehicles. This, of course, is a solution to the problem of, "how do we get real weapons into the hands of these soldiers of fortune without actually having to kill anyone onscreen?" So bullets ricochet off of the ground and buildings and the van (I guess) and the audience simply has to overlook the question of how this gang that can't shoot straight can solve so many problems, because it's the 80's and people wore leg-warmers for Christ's sake, so who cares about a little bit of crappy shooting from the crack commando unit that was sent to prison by a military court for a crime they didn't commit.


Morris Thorpe
CF
Wears a Washington hat.

Morris Thorpe was one of the players for Ken Reeves' Carver High basketball squad. Could this show, as it was constructed in 1978, be made today? Despite what Bill Simmons might personally think, I believe that the answer to that question is no. This question always comes up when talking about politically charged shows like "All in the Family" (which could easily be made today, especially on a network willing to take chances). But "The White Shadow", where a white former NBA player comes in to fix the problems of an urban, predominantly black high school? Not only does that not make any sense, with good white players in the NBA all being weird and foreign, but the "older white person fixes black younger students" trope is deader than dead and, unless you're Hillary Swank's agent, is absolutely untouchable as a serious premise.
It should also be noted that "The White Shadow" clearly takes place in the Tommy Westphall universe and, therefore, can be considered a figment of an autistic kid's imagination. Take that, Simmons.

Class of 1987

Myrtle Sykes
LF/3B
Wears a Detroit hat.

Nickname – Sykesy1210
Sex – Female
Age – 82

Personal details
Profile type – Single
Sex – Female
Children – 1, grown
Want children – I’m too old for more!
Date of birth – 1924, May, 21
Height – 4’10” (I think I’m shrinking!)
Body type – Petite
Marital status – Widowed
Income – 30,000 – 50,000/year
Smoker – no
Drinker – rarely

Details of the person you are looking for
I’m looking for a – male
Ranging in age – 60-85
Relationship – Friendship, Romance, Relationship, Marriage, Casual, Travel Partner

Description
I am a blue-eyed, white-haired (used to be blonde) woman with a zest for life. I have been widowed for 10 years and would like to re-enter the dating scene, but I don’t know where to start!

Ideal match description
I am looking for a gentleman who knows how to treat a lady. Specifically, he must be familiar with/have hands-on experience with hardcore bondage/S&M play. Bi-curious is okay, but no one who has had strictly homosexual relationships as they tend to have trouble looking outside of traditional male/female gender roles. Familiarity with torture and autosadism are also pluses, although these can be learned. Nonsmoker preferred.


Corey Maggette
SP
Wears a Pittsburgh hat.

1 top 10 finish in Cy Young voting. Top 20 all-time in ERA and WHIP.

Why is Corey Maggette here? That is a question that has puzzled top scientists from all over the world for weeks, if not months. But why ask those eggheads who can send a man to the moon but can’t figure out how to get that mustard stain out of my favorite green shirt? Let’s go right to the source.

Q: Corey, why are you on a team that is dedicated to men who are exceptionally attractive?
A: Fuck if I know. Look at me. My eyes are too far apart, I have a squashed head, a big wide nose and HUGE lips, even for a black dude.

Q: Perhaps it’s your physique that garnered you a spot amongst the other Adonises playing for Pittsburgh?
A: Well, I keep myself in good shape, that’s true. But no more so than most of the players in the NBA. And just between you and me, I have a tiny penis.

Q: Fascinating. So is there any aspect of you that’s better than average, physically?
A: I have really nice eyelashes. I’ve been told that they “make me look like a bitch” by several teammates.

Q: Thank you, Corey.
A: Any time.

Class of 1986

Hazel Mills
SS
Wears a Detroit hat.

ROY winner. 3 MVP's plus 2 other top 5 finishes and 3 other top 10 finishes. 1 WS MVP. Top 20 all-time in Runs, OBP, Avg and SB.

How do you put the life of Hazel Mills into words? Philosophers have struggled with this task for almost 50 years now. Because philosophers are idiots, considering that she wrote an autobiography, and all the words are right there. A few excerpts (all excerpts are from "My Life: A Book With Words About Me" by Hazel T. Mills, copyright 1934 Amalgamated Powders and Paper Pressings, Duluth MN)

"...his hands were rough. And small, surprisingly small. I'd always been told that the negro had large hands, but it wasn't true. Those hands began to undo my blouse, and I knew right then that the passion of the colored man had not been exaggerated. He began to suck...."

"...it was long and hard in my hand. And shiny, very shiny when I pulled it out. I never hesitated, I simply pulled the trigger and shot the Chinaman, just like that, unfeeling. I hit him in the left shoulder. The Jew lawyer I hired said I was lucky, two inches to his right and I'd have been looking at murder one. But I knew different, that the Chinaman and his yellow brethren would never relent until they controlled the power structures from Fresno to Buffalo. And I have been proven right with time. Fortunately, Sadie Franklin knew how to make gunpowder, and when we had 6 full barrels of it we drove to...."

"....there was no way I was selling my farm to a filthy wop. So I burned it. I'm not ashamed. Sure, I mourned Daniel. I carried him for 9 months, it's always painful to lose a child. But maybe it was for the best - the boy was slow. He was destined to be a shoe shiner or some other degrading position because of his low mental capacity. And I sure as hell wasn't going to watch one of my offspring doing a job that only coloreds and Mexicans are fit for. It's disgraceful. Truth be told, it wasn't the first time I'd attempted to kill Daniel - when he was 7 I attempted to slip arsenic into his cereal but was stopped by...."



William Reid
SP
Wears a New York (NL) hat.

2 Cy Young awards plus 5 other top 10 finishes. Top 20 all-time in Wins, Shutouts and K's.

William Reid was one-half (with his brother Jim) of the core duo that made up the Jesus and Mary Chain. Here is a fascinating video (if you're into that sort of thing) that gives you a good idea of their relationsihp with their audience, and includes the North London Poly Riot (it's a bit jittery). The band was famous for playing short gigs, with their backs to the audience, consisting mostly of feedback. You might think that's a dickish thing to do. But here's the thing - it's an extremely dickish thing to do. The band doesn't care. In fact, the band is just as happy if you ignore them. Which, most likely, you have. But maybe you won't ignore them any more, and you'll go out and listen to Psycho Candy. And you'll probably hate it. But you'll listen to it a few more times and then you'll think "You know, I still kind of hate this, but I can't stop listening to it." And that's the Jesus and Mary Chain in a nutshell. You hate them, but deep down you love them. Believe me, they know. They know.