Class of 1993

Romesh Kaluwitharana
C
Wears a Cincinnati hat.

(guest written by velguth)
Quite unlike with Brian Lara, who I got to know a lot about and is a true star in world cricket, Kaluwitharana got his name almost entirely because he has a funny name. "Romesh" + six syllables? Hell, yeah! I mean, a boatload of Sri Lankans have long, funny names, but Romesh had one of the best.
It should be said that he was the wicketkeeper for the Sri Lankan national team in that 1999 World Cup that introduced me to cricket. So he must have been fairly good, as I bet there were a few million other Sri Lankan lads willing to play that role. And as I look him up, I find adjectives like "diminutive" and descriptions like "extremely popular" and "loved for his perma-smile behind the stumps". And apparently he did some great things in the 1996 World Cup. But that's all news to me. I just liked the name.

(Commentary by FuriousGiorge)
Sri Lanka used to be called Ceylon. It is shaped like a tear drop. They grow a lot of tea. Arthur C. Clarke lives there and is able to maintain dual citizenship, which is a nice side benefit of coming from a country that once controlled something like 50% of the world's brown people. Like, of course, Romesh Kaluwitharana.

Steve Jones
1B/RF
Wears a New York (NL) hat.

I think it's safe to say that Steve Jones is the coolest ever punk who also has Peter Sutcliffe's dodgy perm. Johnny Rotten may have been the public face of the Sex Pistols when it still existed, and Sid Vicious may have become the unfortunate public face of the band after its dissolution, but Steve Jones was the person most responsible for whatever musical quality the band possessed. Never Mind the Bollocks.... is a misunderstood album in many ways - it's regarded as this raw, un-selfconscious punk opus, but in reality it's as slickly produced as any horrible 80's hair metal album. The guitars, in particular, are overtracked and give the album its distinctive sound. It's not the sound of a punk band on stage, but it's an interesting sound nonetheless and it's Steve Jones that makes it unique.

Paul Weller claims the Pistols stole the riff for "Holidays in the Sun" from The Jam's "In the City" but no one really cares what Paul Weller thinks anymore.


?uestlove
RP
Wears a St. Louis hat.

This made me laugh:

Henry Adaso: Realistically, how long do you think The Roots has as a group?
?uestlove: Rich [Nichols] thinks we have four more relevant records in us, before we become the Neville Brothers or the Rolling Stones.

Take that, Aaron Neville! And, the other Neville Brothers! Whoever the hell you are! The Roots are at the forefront of the burgeoning Philadelphia Hip-Hop Scene which I probably just made up right now but which seems like it should exist if only to wipe the horrible aftertaste of The Band Which I Will Not Name But Which Also Comes From Philadelphia out of my mouth. The Roots are as good as advertised. I'm even willing to forgive them for their close association with professional wigger Scott Storch. Here's a question that has (almost) nothing to do with ?uestlove - why are rappers always talking about/sampling/working with Coldplay? It's puzzling. It's as if George Clinton was constantly playing covers of songs by Bread or Air Supply.

Class of 1992

Brian Lara
RF
Wears a Cincinnati hat.

(Guest written by velguth)
I first started paying attention to cricket in the 1999 World Cup. Working with a New Zealander and an Indian who were big fans of their national teams, I adopted the West Indies as my team to support, largely on the grounds that they were the only team that mattered from the Western Hemisphere. Brian Lara was by far their best player, and still is. Essentially he's been the only "world class" player they've had during the last decade or so, which is kind of sad because in the past (e.g. 1980's) the West Indies were as good as anyone in world cricket.

Anyway, Lara quickly became my favorite player. He's a proud black dude with an attitude somehow more remniscent of U.S. athletes than most cricket "gentlemen". He's outspoken, often selfish, and not a particularly good leader (he was stripped of national team captaincy -- a big deal -- at least once). Vaguely Iversonian. And he's also been erratic over his career, with extended highs and extended lows, perhaps best likened to Jaromir Jagr's career arc.

But in his good stretches, he's a monster. At times he gets called "probably the best batsman in the world". Of the 10 greatest batting performances in the history of cricket, he probably has 3 of them (more than any other player). He periodically wins matches ENTIRELY by himself with his batting. Even when he's been scuffling for a while, every opponent fears him getting back on track that day. Basically, and I wouldn't say this about perhaps any other cricketer, he's a bad ass.

(FuriousGiorge's comment on the guest-bio):
Did you know that they make a cricket game for the PS2? Of course you did, how silly of me. And on the cover? None other than Mr. Lara himself. That's right - for sheer, mind-numbing....awesomeness, it's Brian Lara Cricket 2007. Not sold yet? Okay, here are some funny cricket words:

Gazunder
Googly
Hoik
Jaffa
Perfume ball
Quack trick
Slog
Windy Wush
Zooter

Cricket - it's not just for twee British fairies anymore. Okay, it's still mostly for twee British fairies, but occasionally a bad motherfucker like Brian Lara slips through.



Capital City Goofball
Everywhere
Wears a New York (AL) hat.

Capital City Goofball is the mascot for the Capital City Capitals. He is big and goofy and looks a bit like the Phillie Phanatic. If you think the Phillie Phanatic is inherently funny, well, first of all, you're probably 7 years old. And second, you probably think the Goofball is hilarious. These are the Goofball's funniest lines:
"Ah Mancini. The mascot's best friend."
"If there's anything I can do for you, just squeeze the wheeze."
He only featured prominently in one episode, that crappy one where Homer tells the story about going to the big leagues as a second-rate mascot and going down in flames. Occasionally he still shows up out of nowhere in an episode, like the unloved version of Bumblebee Man or Sideshow Mel. And he honks his fucking nose. Pure. Comedy. Gold.


Tony Reali
SS
Wears a Cleveland hat.

I could go both ways on Tony Reali. On the one hand, he seems like kind of a douchebag. On the other hand, I could easily believe that he's just a dude who plays a douchebag on TV. We can all probably agree on this - he's no Max Kellerman, mostly because he's not borderline retarded. Have I mentioned that Jay Mariotti is a cum-guzzler in this bio yet? Oh, I guess I just did. So, in conclusion, Jay Marrioti guzzles cum.


Don Quixote de la Mancha
SP
Wears a St. Louis hat.

I'll be honest - I've never read the novel. If you want a proper bio of the man read the book or, perhaps more appropriately, the Cleland Notes version. So I'm no expert on Don Quixote the character, but what I do know about are urban legends and movies. Cervantes, in the original text of Don Quixote, wrote:

For me alone was Don Quixote born,
and I for him; he to act, and I to record;
in a word, we were destined for each other...
let the wearied and mouldering bones
of Don Quixote rest in the grave...

This was directed at another author who wrote and published an unauthorized sequel, but the message remains clear - don't fuck with Don Quixote, or Don Quixote will fuck with you. Orson Welles attempted to film Don Quixote: he died before he could finish it. Fernando Rey died while he was filming a version for Spanish television. The film version of Man of La Mancha is...sort of a piece of shit. Okay, that's a bit weak. But the big one was when Terry Gilliam attempted to film his version (The Man Who Killed Don Quixote) - flash floods, a star that developed a double hernia and could no longer film his scenes, color changes that made earlier shots unusable, fighter jets that wiped out dialogue on the soundtrack. Just a disaster from day one, a movie that would not be made. Cervantes, it seems, is a petty son of a bitch, even from beyond the grave (Orson Welles got some measure of revenge when he put his own curse on Heart of Darkness, and you can ask Martin Sheen how that one worked out).

Class of 1991

Clara Barton
3B
Wears a Washington hat.

Clara Barton was, without question, one of the great humanitarians in the history of the world, a tireless and selfless woman who did so much good that it is almost unfathomable. She also once murdered, in cold blood, every man, woman and child in the small Texas hamlet of Bridgeport because a rumor reached her ears that a man living in the town called her a "wide-hipped cow with the bosom of an 8-year old girl". I leave it to you to decide whether her charitable acts balance that heinous crime out.


Ruby Faucette
SS/3B
Wears a St. Louis hat.

Ruby Faucette was born on April 25, 1898 to Joseph and Eustice Faucette in Tucker, Mississippi. The young Ruby was noted for being exceptionally bright and curious, and it is this curiosity that would fuel her interest in biology, physics and the black arts. The little girl was known for being restless, even for a denizen of this sleepy town, and at 18 she took a train to San Francisco, where she boarded a steamer to the Orient be tutored by the mysterious Li Shoon in the use of black magicks. When Ruby was next spotted in San Francisco, in late 1965, she had refashioned herself, through occult rituals known only to herself, as a man by the name of Danny Glover. Ruby was able to live out an entire lifetime as Glover, becoming a very succesful actor and political activist, and her secret was only known by a select few. Upon the apparent death of Glover in 2023, from "natural causes" (in which no body was displayed at the funeral, and the coffin was placed in an unmarked grave), Faucette once again disappeared, and her whereabouts at this time are unknown. It is to be guessed that she has assumed a new identity, having become weary of the old one (and the difficult questions that an unaging Danny Glover would bring about), and this identity will make itself known soon.

Class of 1990

Hairy Dawg
3B
Wears a Cincinnati hat.

This is the mascot for the University of Georgia Bulldogs. His name is Uga and he (or one of has ancestors) has been around since 1958, long enough to be considered a venerable tradition. Here is another picture of a University of Georgia mascot Can you see the difference? I'll give you a minute. Okay, give up? The first is a real dog, which is cool even if its ripped off from Yale, and the second is a fucking muppet who looks vaguely like a dog. If you were to read this USA Today article, you would have to come to the conclusion that the writers either A) have terrible taste in mascots or B) are idiots. Because either they really love Hairy Dawg, or they (more likely) think Uga is Hairy Dawg. But he is not. And Hairy Dawg sucks.

(The only thing that makes Hairy Dawg remotely palatable is a sexy coed.)

Class of 1989

Bosco "B.A." Baracus
LF
Wears a Washington hat.

You might think BA was just Mr. T with a cool van but that's where you're wrong, jack - BA was afraid of flying and Mr. T isn't. I guess. That is just one of ones of distinctions between Mr. T and BA Baracus. BA, of course, was the handyman of the A-Team, as well as being the token. He eschewed subterfuge for less subtle, punchier solutions, presumably because he's incredibly stupid and can't figure out that a more reasonable haircut and less gold chains would help him blend in better.
The A-Team perfected their own unique version of the Stormtrooper Effect - not only could the bad guys not hit the broad side of a barn with fully automatic weapons, but the A-Team was equally inept with anything other than high explosives aimed at structures and vehicles. This, of course, is a solution to the problem of, "how do we get real weapons into the hands of these soldiers of fortune without actually having to kill anyone onscreen?" So bullets ricochet off of the ground and buildings and the van (I guess) and the audience simply has to overlook the question of how this gang that can't shoot straight can solve so many problems, because it's the 80's and people wore leg-warmers for Christ's sake, so who cares about a little bit of crappy shooting from the crack commando unit that was sent to prison by a military court for a crime they didn't commit.


Morris Thorpe
CF
Wears a Washington hat.

Morris Thorpe was one of the players for Ken Reeves' Carver High basketball squad. Could this show, as it was constructed in 1978, be made today? Despite what Bill Simmons might personally think, I believe that the answer to that question is no. This question always comes up when talking about politically charged shows like "All in the Family" (which could easily be made today, especially on a network willing to take chances). But "The White Shadow", where a white former NBA player comes in to fix the problems of an urban, predominantly black high school? Not only does that not make any sense, with good white players in the NBA all being weird and foreign, but the "older white person fixes black younger students" trope is deader than dead and, unless you're Hillary Swank's agent, is absolutely untouchable as a serious premise.
It should also be noted that "The White Shadow" clearly takes place in the Tommy Westphall universe and, therefore, can be considered a figment of an autistic kid's imagination. Take that, Simmons.

Class of 1987

Myrtle Sykes
LF/3B
Wears a Detroit hat.

Nickname – Sykesy1210
Sex – Female
Age – 82

Personal details
Profile type – Single
Sex – Female
Children – 1, grown
Want children – I’m too old for more!
Date of birth – 1924, May, 21
Height – 4’10” (I think I’m shrinking!)
Body type – Petite
Marital status – Widowed
Income – 30,000 – 50,000/year
Smoker – no
Drinker – rarely

Details of the person you are looking for
I’m looking for a – male
Ranging in age – 60-85
Relationship – Friendship, Romance, Relationship, Marriage, Casual, Travel Partner

Description
I am a blue-eyed, white-haired (used to be blonde) woman with a zest for life. I have been widowed for 10 years and would like to re-enter the dating scene, but I don’t know where to start!

Ideal match description
I am looking for a gentleman who knows how to treat a lady. Specifically, he must be familiar with/have hands-on experience with hardcore bondage/S&M play. Bi-curious is okay, but no one who has had strictly homosexual relationships as they tend to have trouble looking outside of traditional male/female gender roles. Familiarity with torture and autosadism are also pluses, although these can be learned. Nonsmoker preferred.


Corey Maggette
SP
Wears a Pittsburgh hat.

1 top 10 finish in Cy Young voting. Top 20 all-time in ERA and WHIP.

Why is Corey Maggette here? That is a question that has puzzled top scientists from all over the world for weeks, if not months. But why ask those eggheads who can send a man to the moon but can’t figure out how to get that mustard stain out of my favorite green shirt? Let’s go right to the source.

Q: Corey, why are you on a team that is dedicated to men who are exceptionally attractive?
A: Fuck if I know. Look at me. My eyes are too far apart, I have a squashed head, a big wide nose and HUGE lips, even for a black dude.

Q: Perhaps it’s your physique that garnered you a spot amongst the other Adonises playing for Pittsburgh?
A: Well, I keep myself in good shape, that’s true. But no more so than most of the players in the NBA. And just between you and me, I have a tiny penis.

Q: Fascinating. So is there any aspect of you that’s better than average, physically?
A: I have really nice eyelashes. I’ve been told that they “make me look like a bitch” by several teammates.

Q: Thank you, Corey.
A: Any time.

Class of 1986

Hazel Mills
SS
Wears a Detroit hat.

ROY winner. 3 MVP's plus 2 other top 5 finishes and 3 other top 10 finishes. 1 WS MVP. Top 20 all-time in Runs, OBP, Avg and SB.

How do you put the life of Hazel Mills into words? Philosophers have struggled with this task for almost 50 years now. Because philosophers are idiots, considering that she wrote an autobiography, and all the words are right there. A few excerpts (all excerpts are from "My Life: A Book With Words About Me" by Hazel T. Mills, copyright 1934 Amalgamated Powders and Paper Pressings, Duluth MN)

"...his hands were rough. And small, surprisingly small. I'd always been told that the negro had large hands, but it wasn't true. Those hands began to undo my blouse, and I knew right then that the passion of the colored man had not been exaggerated. He began to suck...."

"...it was long and hard in my hand. And shiny, very shiny when I pulled it out. I never hesitated, I simply pulled the trigger and shot the Chinaman, just like that, unfeeling. I hit him in the left shoulder. The Jew lawyer I hired said I was lucky, two inches to his right and I'd have been looking at murder one. But I knew different, that the Chinaman and his yellow brethren would never relent until they controlled the power structures from Fresno to Buffalo. And I have been proven right with time. Fortunately, Sadie Franklin knew how to make gunpowder, and when we had 6 full barrels of it we drove to...."

"....there was no way I was selling my farm to a filthy wop. So I burned it. I'm not ashamed. Sure, I mourned Daniel. I carried him for 9 months, it's always painful to lose a child. But maybe it was for the best - the boy was slow. He was destined to be a shoe shiner or some other degrading position because of his low mental capacity. And I sure as hell wasn't going to watch one of my offspring doing a job that only coloreds and Mexicans are fit for. It's disgraceful. Truth be told, it wasn't the first time I'd attempted to kill Daniel - when he was 7 I attempted to slip arsenic into his cereal but was stopped by...."



William Reid
SP
Wears a New York (NL) hat.

2 Cy Young awards plus 5 other top 10 finishes. Top 20 all-time in Wins, Shutouts and K's.

William Reid was one-half (with his brother Jim) of the core duo that made up the Jesus and Mary Chain. Here is a fascinating video (if you're into that sort of thing) that gives you a good idea of their relationsihp with their audience, and includes the North London Poly Riot (it's a bit jittery). The band was famous for playing short gigs, with their backs to the audience, consisting mostly of feedback. You might think that's a dickish thing to do. But here's the thing - it's an extremely dickish thing to do. The band doesn't care. In fact, the band is just as happy if you ignore them. Which, most likely, you have. But maybe you won't ignore them any more, and you'll go out and listen to Psycho Candy. And you'll probably hate it. But you'll listen to it a few more times and then you'll think "You know, I still kind of hate this, but I can't stop listening to it." And that's the Jesus and Mary Chain in a nutshell. You hate them, but deep down you love them. Believe me, they know. They know.

Class of 1985

Matt Leinart
2B
Wears a Pittsburgh hat.

ROY winner. 3 MVP awards plus 3 other top 5 finishes, 1 other top 10 finish. Top 20 all-time in HR, Hits, RBI, Runs.

Most football players, presumably, get into the sport because they are A)d riven by an overbearing parent, B) supremely athletically gifted, C) poor or D) some combination of all three. Matt Leinart is none of these things. He got into football, one can only assume, because he watched Heaven Can Wait, got it confused with Shampoo, and determined that football was his ticket to a lifetime supply of pussy. It turns out, of course, that Matt is right, but his punishment is one illegitimate kid (so far) and a lifetime of "herpes must be a real bitch" wisecracks after he stuck it in Queen Skank the Flatchested. I'm guessing he's okay with the trade-off.



Josh Holloway
RP
Wears a Pittsburgh hat.

3 top 5 finishes in Fireman voting, 1 top 10. Top 20 all-time in WHIP.

I'm going to come right out and say it - if Josh Holloway wasn't playing Sawyer, he seems like the sort of guy who would be imminently punchable. The long hair, the stubble, the "I'm going to steal your woman and there's nothing you can do about it" attitude - only the off-the-chart coolness of James "Sawyer" Ford keeps Holloway from daily cock-punchings. Okay, the cock-punchings are entirely in my mind but still, he would deserve every single one of them. For the sake of Mr. Holloway's theoretical testes satchel, I hope "Lost" continues until he's an old man and morphs from "probable dickhead" to "eccentric old horndog" like Jack Nicholson.

Class of 1984

Duff Man
C
Wears a New York (AL) hat.

ROY winner. 9 MVP awards plus two other top 5 finishes and 1 top 10 finish. Top 20 all-time in HR, Hits, RBI, Runs.

How do you make fun of something that's already supposed to be a parody? That's easy, by making fun of the show that's doing the parody. But I'm a huge Simpsons homer, and the one true defender-of-the-faith, so I will do no such thing. Instead I will talk about something only tangentially related to Duff Man. "Oh Yeah", by Yello.

"Oh Yeah" is still most famous for playing over several scenes of Ferris Bueller's Day Off, most notably when child molester Principal Rooney gets on the school bus at the end of the movie and has to sit next to the weird chick with gummy bears in her pockets. But even though it is featured in, arguably, the greatest comedy ever made, I believe the song is still tremendously underrated.

Have you ever seen the video? Go ahead, I'll wait. Two mustachioed Swiss dudes mouth goofy lyrics about how the moon and sun are beautiful (that's right, this song is, technically, about something). Now this song violates two cardinal rules of rock - first, it's electronic music, so it's immediately somewhat passionless. Second, it's clearly meant as a goof. I mean, even Eurotrash doesn't think singing about the sun and moon is serious. Normally, there is nothing worse than "rock" bands that sing intentionally stupid songs, which is why the Barenaked Ladies are currently sitting on death row. And yet, it still works. Try not to sing it while you're listening to it, I dare you. You can't. Chigga chigga. Oh yeah, and Duff Man uses it as his theme song. Or something. Whatever.


Bessie Lee Johnson
SP
Wears a Detroit hat.

5 Cy Young awards, plus 5 other top 5 finishes and 3 other top 10 finishes. Top 20 all-time in Wins, Shutouts, ERA, WHIP, K's.

(Guest written by Max_Fischer)
Bessie Lee Johnson achieved little in her hard-scrabble life on a South Carolina farm. But she overcame a fourth-grade education and desperate poverty to become the all-time winningest pitcher in OGL history.

Bessie Lee was known throughout her community as the meanest, cruellest person alive. Perhaps no one feared her more than her own grandchildren (max_fischer among them), whom she called "fat" or "stupid" for her own entertainment (and whom she occasionally threatened to eat).

Scarred by their horrific childhoods, Bessie Lee's own children (six in all) both loved and loathed her, as abused kids are wont to do. But they were of one mind on one thing: Bessie Lee Johnson could flat out pitch.

Winner of FIVE Cy Young Awards, Bessie Lee regularly topped 100 MPH on radar guns and generally terrorized the American League. She also baked lots of cakes (she reportedly goes through one five-pound bag of sugar each WEEK, and the woman lives alone), many of which she ate herself.

Her 372 wins may never be exceeded. Long may she reign.


Blanche Bouchard
SP
Wears a Detroit hat.

2 Cy Young awards plus 4 other top 5 finishes and 2 other top 10 finishes. Top 20 all-time in Wins, Shutouts, ERA, WHIP, K's.

BEAVER LAKE, PA - Blanche T. "Horse Satchel" Bouchard, 89, died Monday at a local nursing home after a long illness.
Mrs. Bouchard (nee Grindel) was born in nearby Elk Grove and moved to Beaver Lake in 1935 when she married Joseph K. "Frog Leg" Bouchard at the age of 18.
Mrs. Bouchard was a long-time member of The Quilting Club of Beaver Lake, and had created several award-winning quilts which were displayed proudly within her home on Randolph Avenue.
Mrs. Bouchard was perhaps most famous to residents of Beaver Lake for the letters she wrote to the Beaver Lake Free Press asking forgiveness for welcoming the two initial Sarien scouts into her home and feeding them for several days, allowing them to regain their strength and ultimately enslave the human race.
She is survived by her children Abraham, 70, Rose, 68 and Charlotte, 63. Services will be held on Thursday at Petersen's Funeral Home, 3895 South Elm Road. Burial will be at Lakefront Cemetary in the spring. All hail our insectoid overlords.

Class of 1983

Erick Sermon
2B
Wears a Chicago (NL) hat.

WS MVP award. Top 20 all-time in HR, Hits, RBI, Runs, SB.

Erick Sermon, for those who don't know (the old guys, the hip-hop avoiders) made his name as half (along with Parrish Smith) of EPMD, a group that released 6 albums between 1988 and 1999, all of which had the word "business" in the title. A confession, before I continue - I don't like EPMD that much.

If Public Enemy was The Clash of late-80's hip-hop (a huge oversimplification, but I'm using this comparison for the sake of making a point) then EPMD was The Sex Pistols. Whereas PE directed their (considerable) anger upwards at the power structure, and downwards at the apathy of the young and the black, EPMD mostly focused their anger in a parallel direction, at everyone else in hip-hop. This isn't entirely accurate - PE was legitimately angry at, well, pretty much everything, whereas EPMD were more of a party band that happened to like to take shots at other rappers. But the nastiness of some of their tracks is pretty much unavoidable, and even though it's easy to appreciate their rhymes and their wide array of samples, it's hard to listen to their albums without wanting to tell them to tone it down, or direct it at someone who deserves it.

Anyway, Erick Sermon has continued to rap and produce without his former partner, who is probably dead*, but as with all other musicians who leave a well-regarded band for a solo career, has so far been unable to duplicate the critical or commercial success of the heyday of EPMD.

* This may be a completely untrue statement.

Class of 1982

Chuck D
LF/RF
Wears a Cleveland hat.

Top 5 in ROY voting. Top 20 all-time in HR and Hits.
This is the most important thing you need to know about Chuck D - he is cooler than you. Not only that, but his real name is Carlton and he's still cooler than you. Chuck D is so cool that the aura emanating from his person made Flavor Flav seem cool, and that dude has spent the last few years romancing Red Sonja and some chick who took a shit on his stairs. Besides being the mastermind behind two of the greatest rap albums of all time (It Takes A Nation Of Millions To Hold Us Back and Fear Of A Black Planet), Chuck D is the anti-Metallica when it comes to internet file-sharing, getting in on the ground floor of the future of music. Chuck D is so fucking cool he even showed up in a Sonic Youth video. Holy Christ is Chuck D cool.


Mickey O'Neil
SP
Wears a Pittsburgh hat.

2 Cy Young awards plus 1 top 5 finish and 1 top 10 finish. Top 20 all-time in Wins, ERA and WHIP.

A poem, by Mickey O'Neil:

I think that I have never saw,
A poem as lovely as me ma,
With bottle of Jameson's in 'er 'and,
Going down (unintelligible),
Oi! Ye wanna fight? I'll box ya!
Fook it, I need a shite.

Class of 1981

Grandma Moses
SP
Wears a Detroit hat.

2 Cy Young awards plus 6 other top 5 finishes and 1 other top 10 finish. Top 20 all-time in Wins, Shutouts, ERA, WHIP and K's.
Grandma Moses didn't pick up painting until she was in her 70's, spending much of her life before that time in and out of the protective custody of the state. One of her most well-known paintings, "8-Ball Getting Jacked By Crips Dressed Like Crackheads" was inspired by a real-life incident when Ms. Moses, behind on her payment to local hustler/pimp Freddy "Gunga Din" Cornwell, was in the middle of robbing a neighborhood liquor store when getaway driver Ernie "8-Ball" Fredericks had his getaway car stolen by a group of neighborhood Crips disguised as crack addicts. Ms. Moses would frequently tell the story in her later years with a smile on her face, but it is unlikely she was smiling when she enacted the imfamous and incredibly disturbing punishment on local crime lord Ulysses "Iguana" Thomason that put her on the map in the crime underworld. She never painted that particular scene, although crime scene photographs are still passed around amongst collectors of such things, taking their rightful place alongside photos of Fou-Tchou-Li as the most prized pieces of arcana among that subset.


Jack Bauer
SP
Wears a Pittsburgh hat.

ROY award, 1 Cy Young award. 1 top 5 finish in Fireman award voting. Top 20 all-time in Wins, ERA, WHIP, K's.
What the hell does Jack Bauer do on the days that he isn't saving the universe. I guess the easy answer would be "drinks, a lot" but that would be pejorative and uncalled-for. Mostly I just picture him sitting around in his underwear, watching the Price is Right and eating Golden Grahams and waiting for the phone to ring about another goddamn plot that threatens civilization as we know it. I imagine he spends at least part of his day amusing himself by making fun of Kim for falling into a bear trap. Do you think there are other guys like Jack, foiling other plots around the world? Or was his resume so good that the people who hired him said, you know what, we'll never do better than this, let's just let him handle all of this shit.

Class of 1980

Alcohol
LF
Wears a New York (NL) hat.

Top 5 in ROY voting. Top 20 all-time in OBP and Batting average.
Did you know:
*Methanol, or "wood alcohol", can make you go blind, but only if you're a huge pussy who can't take his alcohol and you're not one, are you?
*Studies have shown that if you use alcohol as a fuel source you are wasting precious precious alcohol?
*People who don't drink alcohol, or "teetotalers" as they are known, are fucking weird?
*Drinking laboratory alcohol can make you cranky and irritable to the point where you make a big fuss about draft picks?
*The perfect vessel for drinking alcohol is Elizabeth Shue's naked breasts, followed by Denise Richards' naked breasts? And that in no circumstances should you attempt to drink alcohol off of any part of Bea Arthur's anatomy unless you have a well-formed escape plan in mind?
*The best way to get rid of a hangover is to die of alcohol poisoning?

Class of 1979

John Brown
2B/1B/OF
Wears a Cleveland hat.

1 MVP award. Top 20 all-time in HR, Slg., OPS.
Abolitionist, revolutionary, leader of men. John Brown happens to have found himself planted firmly on the correct side of history but make no mistake - his default setting wasn't "righteous", it was "crazy". While Frederick Douglas, Harriet Tubman and Abby Kelley, among others, are lauded by history books, John Brown is the embarrassing uncle who lives in the bedroom in the attic and sometimes comes downstairs when your friends come over in an untied bathrobe, mumbling about tracking devices in his skull. Killing people indiscrimately doesn't tend to get you a choice seat at the Revolutionaries table.


Thaddeus Stevens
SP
Wears a Cleveland hat.

Two Cy Young awards. One WS MVP. Top 20 all-time in Shutouts, ERA, WHIP.
Now here's someone who history has been a lot more kind to than his contemporaries were. Stevens was every bit the abolitionist that John Brown was but without all the, you know, murdering. Sometimes a system is so corrupt that it can only be shaken up from without, by men of vision and passion. Unfortunately, those who are do choose to revolt are almost always exactly the sort of people who you would never, ever want to lead a nation. So sometimes the real revolutions are led from the inside by career politicians like Stevens, even if their ideas take a long time to catch on. It is when men like Stevens cease being able to affect the direction of our country from within the system that our trek towards irrelevance and "the dustbin of history" will have begun.

Class of 1977

Mos Def
RF
Wears a Chicago (NL) hat.

ROY winner. 3 MVP's plus 5 other top 5 finishes. Top 20 all-time in HR, Hits, RBI, Runs and SB.
What's there to say about Mos Def? Well, how about this - even white people love Mos Def. And not in the vaguely Stepin Fetchitesque way we embraced MC Hammer. We love him because he's both smart and outspoken, not in spite of it. Plus, and let's be honest here, it's entirely possible that he's actually a better actor than musician, and that'll warm the heart of the snootiest intellectual elite who thinks hip hop has something to do with C&C Music Factory. Mos Def - even beloved by white people.



Gilligan
SP
Wears a Washington hat.

1 Cy Young. Top 20 all-time in Wins, Shutouts, ERA, WHIP and K's.
Gilligan's Island lasted 3 seasons, the same as the original Star Trek. Most people would probably assume both shows lasted longer, due to their constant rotation through syndication. They just SEEM like they went on forever. Plus, any episode is pretty much like any other episode, so it's basically impossible to tell when they roll over. In fact, I'll go ahead and save you the trouble of watching any more episodes:
The castaways find a way off the island.
Gilligan fucks it up.
They do not get to leave.
Actually, between points 2 and 3 should probably go "Group orgy with Mary Ann and Ginger" but they never show it, so I'll leave it out. It's there though, you know it is.

Class of 1976

Major General John B. Gordon
SP
Wears a Cleveland hat.

1 Cy Young award plus 1 other top 5 finish. Top 20 all-time in 4
statistical categories (Wins, Shutouts, ERA, WHIP).
Confederate general who is known for, among other things, being wounded in combat over and over again. Shot in the calf, upper leg, left arm, shoulder, cheek, head, and quite possibly many more. Upon being shot in the head, Gordon's wife actually ran into the street and yelled at her husband's troops to stop retreating and go face the enemy. Probably didn't like black people.


tysoniowery
SP
Wears a New York (AL) hat.

2 Cy Young awards plus 4 other top 5 finishes. 1 WS MVP award. Top 20 all-time in 4 statistical categories (Wins, Shutouts, ERA, WHIP).
Hooray. I have nothing to say about this. Jojo knows what he did.

Class of 1975

Grant Hart
SS
Wears a Chicago (NL) hat.

ROY winner. 5 MVP awards plus 2 other top 5 finishes. 1 World Series MVP. Top 20 all-time in 4 categories (Hits, RBI, Runs, SB)
Drummer/Songwriter for legendary Minneapolis post-punk band Husker Du. Is there anything in rock and roll that looks more hideous than a drummer that sings? Drummers aren't rock stars - they're people who hang around with rock stars. Think of the famous drummer/singers. Don Henley. Phil Collins. The dude from The Romantics on "What I Like About You". What do these people have in common? That's right - they're douchebags. There's a reason this is a rare species. There is a process of natural selection at work in rock. If you have a gimmick like a singing drummer or a guy who only plays the flute, chicks will think you're lame, and 80% of the reason for the other guys in the band to hang around with you (to meet chicks at college party gigs) will be gone. So where does Grant Hart fit in? Well 66% of Husker Du, including Hart, was gay. Therefore, that incentive is gone, leaving Grant as the singing drummer. And since every songwriting pair must by law be compared to Lennon/McCartney, I will tell you that Hart was the McCartney to Bob Mould's Lennon.

Class of 1974

Lolita Haze
3B
Wears a St. Louis hat.

ROY win, 3 MVP wins. 3 other top 5 MVP finishes. Top 20 all-time in 9 statistical categories (HR, Hits, RBI, Runs, Slg, OBP, OPS, Avg, SB)
There are no two ways about it – Nabokov was ahead of his time. Still, let’s be honest here: in real life, Humbert Humbert doesn’t look or act like James Mason. At all.


TARGET
3B
Wears a Brooklyn hat.

ROY win, 1 MVP win. 3 other top 5 MVP finishes. Top 20 all-time in 8 statistical categories (HR, Hits, RBI, Runs, Slg, OBP, OPS, Avg)
Like Wal*Mart, not really the corporate entity but a third-rate alter-ego that bears some tangential relationship to the corporate entity. Still, TARGET’S singlemindedness is occasionally funny, in kind of the same way that saying “Tar-zhay” is funny. In other words, not really, unless you’re a mom.


Francis Macomber
RP
Wears a St. Louis hat.

ROY top 5. 8 Fireman Awards plus 1 other top 5 finish. Top 20 in 3 statistical categories (Saves, ERA, WHIP)
Some people might consider a story about a pathetic middle-aged man who has to go on a hunting trip to prove he’s not a sissy to his castrating wife, only to ultimately be shotgunned to death by the wife because he can’t shoot straight, to be an example of Hemingway’s rampant misogyny. But I’d like to remind you that Papa didn’t truck with no homosexuals either (a theme we will continue to explore in our next biography). Either way, I think we can all agree on this much – don’t take your wife hunting with you.

Jay Gatsby
SP
Wears a St. Louis hat.

8 Cy Young awards plus 3 other top 5 finishes. Top 20 all-time in 5 statistical categories (Wins, Shutouts, ERA, WHIP, K's)
Good Lord did those early 20th century authors dislike women. At least Gatsby had the good sense to live the good life and (presumably) bed a lot of hot New York debutantes before he was destroyed by his love of a woman who, ultimately, probably didn’t give a shit about him anyway.
Zelda Fitzgerald was convinced F. Scott and Ernest Hemingway were having an affair but honestly, she was a woman so what the fuck does she know about the love that dare not speak its name. Hussy.

Class of 1973

Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor
CF
Wears a New York (NL) hat.

ROY top 5, 2 MVP top 5 finishes. Top 20 in 5 statistical categories (HR, Hits, RBI, Runs, SB)
1991. America has just escaped from the long nightmare of the Gulf War. Desperate for someone, anyone to take their minds off of the harsh realities of early-90's life, like a savior from the heavens along comes Tim Allen to prove that the American sitcom can be taken in completely new directions and America will still respond like they always have. With laughter. From the exasperated wife, to the adorable children, to the bumbling father figure, on Home Improvement as in life no problem will ever last more than 24 minutes. And if that weren't enough, in comes the wacky neighbor, the perenially single coworker and the impossibly hot "Tool Time Girl" to provide more fodder for Tim Allen's unique brand of inoffensive, middle of the road comedy. We were in good hands with Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor for 8 years, getting us through the tough times with comedy that, as your grandma might put it, "is some seriously bland and watered-down shite". Indeed grandma. Indeed.


Kronprins Frederik
SP
Wears a Cincinnati hat.

Top 20 in 5 statistical categories (Wins, Shutouts, ERA, WHIP, K's).
Between the Crown Prince and Prince William in England, it is clear that European royalty has found its niche, and that niche is filled to the brim with SEXY.
Did you know: Prince Frederik's mother, Queen Margrethe II, is an accomplished painter who has contributed art to the Danish editions of The Lord of the Rings, making her the only monarch currently alive to answer to the phrase "Hey, geek". This is contrary to popular opinion which considers her one of two monarchs to answer to that phrase - Prince Charles, of course, only recognizes the phrase, "Hey, sissy."


Tycho Brahe
SP
Wears a Washington hat.

2 Cy Young awards plus 1 other top 5 finish. Top 20 in 5 statistical categories (Wins, Shutouts, ERA, WHIP, K's)
Three things you need to know about Tycho Brahe:
1)He was a brilliant scientist and a fanatical data collector, who nevertheless stuck by the old Ptolemaic system of believing that the Earth was the center of the Universe.
2)He kept a dwarf named Jepp, who he believed was clairvoyant, as a jester. Jepp stayed under the table during dinner.
3)Like seemingly every other brilliant mind of the Enlightenment era, he died by ingesting some sort of horrible poison (mercury, in this case). Not quite brilliant enough to assume that putting every interesting substance they came across into their mouths was not such a great idea.

Class of 1972

Donkey Kong
RF
Wears a New York (AL) hat.

Top 5 in ROY. Finished in the top 20 in 8 statistical categories (HR, Hits, RBI, Runs, Slg, OBP, OPS, Avg)
Why the hell is his name "Donkey" Kong? That doesn't make any sense. Anyway, Mario's original foil and really, way cooler than King Koopa, especially since the fruit of his loins can kick Mario's ass. At least partially responsible for the Pacific Northwest's Ichiro-mania. Work that one out for yourself.



WAL*BUCKS
LF
Wears a Brooklyn hat.

Top 20 in 6 categories (HR, Hits, RBI, Runs, Slg, OPS)
Apparently some sort of Wal*Mart/Starbucks hybrid. Has never said anything remotely funny, and will hopefully fade into oblivion along with Aflac Duck.

Class of 1971

Wal*Mart
2B
Wears a New York (AL) hat.

ROY top 5. Top 20 in 4 statistical categories (HR, Hits, RBI, Runs)
Not the corporate giant, but a fairly low-level parody of the corporate giant. About as funny as its namesake's copy of Richard Pryor's landmark comedy album "That Nigger's Crazy". Has a longstanding feud with fellow alter-ego TARGET that is the message board equivalent of dead air.



Joe Strummer
SP
Wears a New York (NL) hat.
8 Cy Youngs, plus 5 other top 5 finishes. Top 20 in 5 statistical categories (Wins, Shutouts, ERA, WHIP, K's)
Punk icon, actor, reggae shill. About as cool as it gets for a graduate of a fruity English boarding school.



Phoenix Lord Baharroth
SP
Wears a Cleveland hat.

1 Cy Young plus 3 other top 5 finishes. Top 20 in 4 statistical categories (Wins, Shutouts, ERA, K's)
"Baharroth is believed to be the finest pupil of Asurmen. He was the winged Phoenix and founder of the Swooping Hawk Aspect."
If you understand what those words mean, there is about a 95% chance that you sweat Mountain Dew and artificial cheese flavoring. Copiously.



Reginald Iolanthe Perrin
SP
Wears a Washington hat.

2 Cy Young awards. 1 World Series MVP. Top 20 in 4 statistical categories (Wins, Shutouts, ERA, WHIP)
From "The Fall and Rise of Reginald Perrin". Most famous for the last episode of the first season where Reginald faked his suicide by leaving his clothes on a beach and running into the ocean. Ironically, he was unsuccessful in his attempt due to the fact that a family of Japanese tourists spotted him and mobbed him, assuming he was filming a British sitcom, since all British sitcoms involve several jokes about pasty old white guys showing the audience their bare ass.

Class of 1970

Anders Morgenthaler
SS
Wears a New York (NL) hat.

1 MVP win plus 5 other top 5 finishes. Top 5 in ROY. Top 20 in 5 statistical categories (HR, Hits, Runs, Avg, SB).
Some goofy Danish comic strip creator whose sense of humor makes as little sense in English as Ignite's. Possibly funny in Danish.



Lord Dante
RF
Wears a Cleveland hat.

1 MVP top 5 finish. Top 20 in 4 statistical categories (Slg, OBP, OPS, Avg)
LORD DANTE, COMMANDER of the BLOOD ANGELS!
Jesus Christ.



Ron Asheton
2B
Wears a New York (NL) hat.

ROY award winner. 1 MVP plus 1 other top 5 finish. Top 20 in 5 statistical categories (HR, Hits, RBI, Runs, SB)
Once the guitarist for the loudest, most dangerous band on the face of the earth, forming the blueprint for punk music. Now, a big fat guy who happens to have Iggy Pop's phone number.



Billy the Marlin
SP
Wears a New York (AL) hat.

2 Cy Youngs, 4 other top 5 finishes. Top 20 in 5 statistical categories (Wins, Shutouts, ERA, WHIP, K's)
Billy has an official bio and it never once mentions his dildo nose.



Cut-Throat Jake
SP
Wears a Pittsburgh hat.

2 Cy Young awards plus 2 other top 5 finishes. Top 20 in 3 statistical categories (Shutouts, ERA, WHIP)
You probably thought Cut-Throat Jake was a dangerous pirate. That he terrorized the high seas and possibly murdered people for looking at him funny. That he had a plank and it told the story of a thousand sailors who had walked to their doom in the shark-infested Atlantic. You would be wrong. Cut-Throat Jake was the bad guy in some retarded English cartoon.