Class of 1989

Bosco "B.A." Baracus
LF
Wears a Washington hat.

You might think BA was just Mr. T with a cool van but that's where you're wrong, jack - BA was afraid of flying and Mr. T isn't. I guess. That is just one of ones of distinctions between Mr. T and BA Baracus. BA, of course, was the handyman of the A-Team, as well as being the token. He eschewed subterfuge for less subtle, punchier solutions, presumably because he's incredibly stupid and can't figure out that a more reasonable haircut and less gold chains would help him blend in better.
The A-Team perfected their own unique version of the Stormtrooper Effect - not only could the bad guys not hit the broad side of a barn with fully automatic weapons, but the A-Team was equally inept with anything other than high explosives aimed at structures and vehicles. This, of course, is a solution to the problem of, "how do we get real weapons into the hands of these soldiers of fortune without actually having to kill anyone onscreen?" So bullets ricochet off of the ground and buildings and the van (I guess) and the audience simply has to overlook the question of how this gang that can't shoot straight can solve so many problems, because it's the 80's and people wore leg-warmers for Christ's sake, so who cares about a little bit of crappy shooting from the crack commando unit that was sent to prison by a military court for a crime they didn't commit.


Morris Thorpe
CF
Wears a Washington hat.

Morris Thorpe was one of the players for Ken Reeves' Carver High basketball squad. Could this show, as it was constructed in 1978, be made today? Despite what Bill Simmons might personally think, I believe that the answer to that question is no. This question always comes up when talking about politically charged shows like "All in the Family" (which could easily be made today, especially on a network willing to take chances). But "The White Shadow", where a white former NBA player comes in to fix the problems of an urban, predominantly black high school? Not only does that not make any sense, with good white players in the NBA all being weird and foreign, but the "older white person fixes black younger students" trope is deader than dead and, unless you're Hillary Swank's agent, is absolutely untouchable as a serious premise.
It should also be noted that "The White Shadow" clearly takes place in the Tommy Westphall universe and, therefore, can be considered a figment of an autistic kid's imagination. Take that, Simmons.

Class of 1987

Myrtle Sykes
LF/3B
Wears a Detroit hat.

Nickname – Sykesy1210
Sex – Female
Age – 82

Personal details
Profile type – Single
Sex – Female
Children – 1, grown
Want children – I’m too old for more!
Date of birth – 1924, May, 21
Height – 4’10” (I think I’m shrinking!)
Body type – Petite
Marital status – Widowed
Income – 30,000 – 50,000/year
Smoker – no
Drinker – rarely

Details of the person you are looking for
I’m looking for a – male
Ranging in age – 60-85
Relationship – Friendship, Romance, Relationship, Marriage, Casual, Travel Partner

Description
I am a blue-eyed, white-haired (used to be blonde) woman with a zest for life. I have been widowed for 10 years and would like to re-enter the dating scene, but I don’t know where to start!

Ideal match description
I am looking for a gentleman who knows how to treat a lady. Specifically, he must be familiar with/have hands-on experience with hardcore bondage/S&M play. Bi-curious is okay, but no one who has had strictly homosexual relationships as they tend to have trouble looking outside of traditional male/female gender roles. Familiarity with torture and autosadism are also pluses, although these can be learned. Nonsmoker preferred.


Corey Maggette
SP
Wears a Pittsburgh hat.

1 top 10 finish in Cy Young voting. Top 20 all-time in ERA and WHIP.

Why is Corey Maggette here? That is a question that has puzzled top scientists from all over the world for weeks, if not months. But why ask those eggheads who can send a man to the moon but can’t figure out how to get that mustard stain out of my favorite green shirt? Let’s go right to the source.

Q: Corey, why are you on a team that is dedicated to men who are exceptionally attractive?
A: Fuck if I know. Look at me. My eyes are too far apart, I have a squashed head, a big wide nose and HUGE lips, even for a black dude.

Q: Perhaps it’s your physique that garnered you a spot amongst the other Adonises playing for Pittsburgh?
A: Well, I keep myself in good shape, that’s true. But no more so than most of the players in the NBA. And just between you and me, I have a tiny penis.

Q: Fascinating. So is there any aspect of you that’s better than average, physically?
A: I have really nice eyelashes. I’ve been told that they “make me look like a bitch” by several teammates.

Q: Thank you, Corey.
A: Any time.

Class of 1986

Hazel Mills
SS
Wears a Detroit hat.

ROY winner. 3 MVP's plus 2 other top 5 finishes and 3 other top 10 finishes. 1 WS MVP. Top 20 all-time in Runs, OBP, Avg and SB.

How do you put the life of Hazel Mills into words? Philosophers have struggled with this task for almost 50 years now. Because philosophers are idiots, considering that she wrote an autobiography, and all the words are right there. A few excerpts (all excerpts are from "My Life: A Book With Words About Me" by Hazel T. Mills, copyright 1934 Amalgamated Powders and Paper Pressings, Duluth MN)

"...his hands were rough. And small, surprisingly small. I'd always been told that the negro had large hands, but it wasn't true. Those hands began to undo my blouse, and I knew right then that the passion of the colored man had not been exaggerated. He began to suck...."

"...it was long and hard in my hand. And shiny, very shiny when I pulled it out. I never hesitated, I simply pulled the trigger and shot the Chinaman, just like that, unfeeling. I hit him in the left shoulder. The Jew lawyer I hired said I was lucky, two inches to his right and I'd have been looking at murder one. But I knew different, that the Chinaman and his yellow brethren would never relent until they controlled the power structures from Fresno to Buffalo. And I have been proven right with time. Fortunately, Sadie Franklin knew how to make gunpowder, and when we had 6 full barrels of it we drove to...."

"....there was no way I was selling my farm to a filthy wop. So I burned it. I'm not ashamed. Sure, I mourned Daniel. I carried him for 9 months, it's always painful to lose a child. But maybe it was for the best - the boy was slow. He was destined to be a shoe shiner or some other degrading position because of his low mental capacity. And I sure as hell wasn't going to watch one of my offspring doing a job that only coloreds and Mexicans are fit for. It's disgraceful. Truth be told, it wasn't the first time I'd attempted to kill Daniel - when he was 7 I attempted to slip arsenic into his cereal but was stopped by...."



William Reid
SP
Wears a New York (NL) hat.

2 Cy Young awards plus 5 other top 10 finishes. Top 20 all-time in Wins, Shutouts and K's.

William Reid was one-half (with his brother Jim) of the core duo that made up the Jesus and Mary Chain. Here is a fascinating video (if you're into that sort of thing) that gives you a good idea of their relationsihp with their audience, and includes the North London Poly Riot (it's a bit jittery). The band was famous for playing short gigs, with their backs to the audience, consisting mostly of feedback. You might think that's a dickish thing to do. But here's the thing - it's an extremely dickish thing to do. The band doesn't care. In fact, the band is just as happy if you ignore them. Which, most likely, you have. But maybe you won't ignore them any more, and you'll go out and listen to Psycho Candy. And you'll probably hate it. But you'll listen to it a few more times and then you'll think "You know, I still kind of hate this, but I can't stop listening to it." And that's the Jesus and Mary Chain in a nutshell. You hate them, but deep down you love them. Believe me, they know. They know.

Class of 1985

Matt Leinart
2B
Wears a Pittsburgh hat.

ROY winner. 3 MVP awards plus 3 other top 5 finishes, 1 other top 10 finish. Top 20 all-time in HR, Hits, RBI, Runs.

Most football players, presumably, get into the sport because they are A)d riven by an overbearing parent, B) supremely athletically gifted, C) poor or D) some combination of all three. Matt Leinart is none of these things. He got into football, one can only assume, because he watched Heaven Can Wait, got it confused with Shampoo, and determined that football was his ticket to a lifetime supply of pussy. It turns out, of course, that Matt is right, but his punishment is one illegitimate kid (so far) and a lifetime of "herpes must be a real bitch" wisecracks after he stuck it in Queen Skank the Flatchested. I'm guessing he's okay with the trade-off.



Josh Holloway
RP
Wears a Pittsburgh hat.

3 top 5 finishes in Fireman voting, 1 top 10. Top 20 all-time in WHIP.

I'm going to come right out and say it - if Josh Holloway wasn't playing Sawyer, he seems like the sort of guy who would be imminently punchable. The long hair, the stubble, the "I'm going to steal your woman and there's nothing you can do about it" attitude - only the off-the-chart coolness of James "Sawyer" Ford keeps Holloway from daily cock-punchings. Okay, the cock-punchings are entirely in my mind but still, he would deserve every single one of them. For the sake of Mr. Holloway's theoretical testes satchel, I hope "Lost" continues until he's an old man and morphs from "probable dickhead" to "eccentric old horndog" like Jack Nicholson.

Class of 1984

Duff Man
C
Wears a New York (AL) hat.

ROY winner. 9 MVP awards plus two other top 5 finishes and 1 top 10 finish. Top 20 all-time in HR, Hits, RBI, Runs.

How do you make fun of something that's already supposed to be a parody? That's easy, by making fun of the show that's doing the parody. But I'm a huge Simpsons homer, and the one true defender-of-the-faith, so I will do no such thing. Instead I will talk about something only tangentially related to Duff Man. "Oh Yeah", by Yello.

"Oh Yeah" is still most famous for playing over several scenes of Ferris Bueller's Day Off, most notably when child molester Principal Rooney gets on the school bus at the end of the movie and has to sit next to the weird chick with gummy bears in her pockets. But even though it is featured in, arguably, the greatest comedy ever made, I believe the song is still tremendously underrated.

Have you ever seen the video? Go ahead, I'll wait. Two mustachioed Swiss dudes mouth goofy lyrics about how the moon and sun are beautiful (that's right, this song is, technically, about something). Now this song violates two cardinal rules of rock - first, it's electronic music, so it's immediately somewhat passionless. Second, it's clearly meant as a goof. I mean, even Eurotrash doesn't think singing about the sun and moon is serious. Normally, there is nothing worse than "rock" bands that sing intentionally stupid songs, which is why the Barenaked Ladies are currently sitting on death row. And yet, it still works. Try not to sing it while you're listening to it, I dare you. You can't. Chigga chigga. Oh yeah, and Duff Man uses it as his theme song. Or something. Whatever.


Bessie Lee Johnson
SP
Wears a Detroit hat.

5 Cy Young awards, plus 5 other top 5 finishes and 3 other top 10 finishes. Top 20 all-time in Wins, Shutouts, ERA, WHIP, K's.

(Guest written by Max_Fischer)
Bessie Lee Johnson achieved little in her hard-scrabble life on a South Carolina farm. But she overcame a fourth-grade education and desperate poverty to become the all-time winningest pitcher in OGL history.

Bessie Lee was known throughout her community as the meanest, cruellest person alive. Perhaps no one feared her more than her own grandchildren (max_fischer among them), whom she called "fat" or "stupid" for her own entertainment (and whom she occasionally threatened to eat).

Scarred by their horrific childhoods, Bessie Lee's own children (six in all) both loved and loathed her, as abused kids are wont to do. But they were of one mind on one thing: Bessie Lee Johnson could flat out pitch.

Winner of FIVE Cy Young Awards, Bessie Lee regularly topped 100 MPH on radar guns and generally terrorized the American League. She also baked lots of cakes (she reportedly goes through one five-pound bag of sugar each WEEK, and the woman lives alone), many of which she ate herself.

Her 372 wins may never be exceeded. Long may she reign.


Blanche Bouchard
SP
Wears a Detroit hat.

2 Cy Young awards plus 4 other top 5 finishes and 2 other top 10 finishes. Top 20 all-time in Wins, Shutouts, ERA, WHIP, K's.

BEAVER LAKE, PA - Blanche T. "Horse Satchel" Bouchard, 89, died Monday at a local nursing home after a long illness.
Mrs. Bouchard (nee Grindel) was born in nearby Elk Grove and moved to Beaver Lake in 1935 when she married Joseph K. "Frog Leg" Bouchard at the age of 18.
Mrs. Bouchard was a long-time member of The Quilting Club of Beaver Lake, and had created several award-winning quilts which were displayed proudly within her home on Randolph Avenue.
Mrs. Bouchard was perhaps most famous to residents of Beaver Lake for the letters she wrote to the Beaver Lake Free Press asking forgiveness for welcoming the two initial Sarien scouts into her home and feeding them for several days, allowing them to regain their strength and ultimately enslave the human race.
She is survived by her children Abraham, 70, Rose, 68 and Charlotte, 63. Services will be held on Thursday at Petersen's Funeral Home, 3895 South Elm Road. Burial will be at Lakefront Cemetary in the spring. All hail our insectoid overlords.

Class of 1983

Erick Sermon
2B
Wears a Chicago (NL) hat.

WS MVP award. Top 20 all-time in HR, Hits, RBI, Runs, SB.

Erick Sermon, for those who don't know (the old guys, the hip-hop avoiders) made his name as half (along with Parrish Smith) of EPMD, a group that released 6 albums between 1988 and 1999, all of which had the word "business" in the title. A confession, before I continue - I don't like EPMD that much.

If Public Enemy was The Clash of late-80's hip-hop (a huge oversimplification, but I'm using this comparison for the sake of making a point) then EPMD was The Sex Pistols. Whereas PE directed their (considerable) anger upwards at the power structure, and downwards at the apathy of the young and the black, EPMD mostly focused their anger in a parallel direction, at everyone else in hip-hop. This isn't entirely accurate - PE was legitimately angry at, well, pretty much everything, whereas EPMD were more of a party band that happened to like to take shots at other rappers. But the nastiness of some of their tracks is pretty much unavoidable, and even though it's easy to appreciate their rhymes and their wide array of samples, it's hard to listen to their albums without wanting to tell them to tone it down, or direct it at someone who deserves it.

Anyway, Erick Sermon has continued to rap and produce without his former partner, who is probably dead*, but as with all other musicians who leave a well-regarded band for a solo career, has so far been unable to duplicate the critical or commercial success of the heyday of EPMD.

* This may be a completely untrue statement.

Class of 1982

Chuck D
LF/RF
Wears a Cleveland hat.

Top 5 in ROY voting. Top 20 all-time in HR and Hits.
This is the most important thing you need to know about Chuck D - he is cooler than you. Not only that, but his real name is Carlton and he's still cooler than you. Chuck D is so cool that the aura emanating from his person made Flavor Flav seem cool, and that dude has spent the last few years romancing Red Sonja and some chick who took a shit on his stairs. Besides being the mastermind behind two of the greatest rap albums of all time (It Takes A Nation Of Millions To Hold Us Back and Fear Of A Black Planet), Chuck D is the anti-Metallica when it comes to internet file-sharing, getting in on the ground floor of the future of music. Chuck D is so fucking cool he even showed up in a Sonic Youth video. Holy Christ is Chuck D cool.


Mickey O'Neil
SP
Wears a Pittsburgh hat.

2 Cy Young awards plus 1 top 5 finish and 1 top 10 finish. Top 20 all-time in Wins, ERA and WHIP.

A poem, by Mickey O'Neil:

I think that I have never saw,
A poem as lovely as me ma,
With bottle of Jameson's in 'er 'and,
Going down (unintelligible),
Oi! Ye wanna fight? I'll box ya!
Fook it, I need a shite.