Class of 2031

Lionel Essrog
2B
Wears a St. Louis hat.

"He's a private investigator, but he has Tourette's Syndrome" sounds like the sort of high concept pitch that would set the groundwork for the latest Rob Schneider vehicle. Sadly, it is not - it is, in fact, a serious work of fiction. About a PI. With Tourette's. If you pick this book up hoping to spend an hilarious time with a guy who screams "shitfuckcock" while he dusts crime scenes for prints, well, first of all you're an idiot and second of all, the joke's on you. You know what? Fuck this, I'm done with you. Go watch "Monk" and leave me alone.


Panda Bear
RP
Wears a Pittsburgh hat.

Well, I like Animal Collective just fine, but I'm not one of the league's fanboys, and Panda Bear's solo albums left me cold. So I'm not exactly the most qualified person to write this thing. Here are some facts about Noah Lennox:

He is not a Jew. A Jewish mother would never let her son be skinnier than Prince.
He and Brett McKenzie appear to have similar taste in wardrobes. The difference is that Lennox is 100% real.
His stage name is pretty stupid, but not as stupid as that other guy in the band.
He lives in Portugal, a country whose Prime Minister is named "Jose Socrates", which is a better name than "Dana Plato" but not as good as "The Big Aristotle".

Class of 2030

Magic Johnson
SP
Wears a Chicago (AL) hat
Enshrined here for proving to people like Happy that people like Aaron aren't the only ones.


Rocky Horror Show
2b
Wears a Milwaukee hat

Craigles:
It's a pretty stupid story, but it's what I always think of whenever someone mentions Rocky Horror:

I’ve actually seen the Rocky Horror Show performed live. Not on Broadway or anything, it was a decidedly more amateur affair, but it wasn’t bad. I mean, the story is censored stupid, and it’s way over the top, but some of the songs are kind of catchy, and if you strip away all that audience participation crap that gives it such a bad name, it’s not such a bad little show.

Why did I go? Well, that has a pretty simple answer – someone said the magic word. I had a roommate who knew some people who knew some people who were in the show, theater types, and they were putting it on Halloween night (naturally). Well censored , I wasn’t going to go to that. They wanted my roommate to sit in the back and tape the performance, and I damn sure wasn’t going to sit in the back and have to do a goddamned job for a show that I already hated before I’d ever seen it. But, you know, someone said the magic word, and I went, and sat behind that camera, and taped the whole stupid thing. Sober, even. And what’s the magic word, you might ask? Well, nudity, of course. I was told that one of the actresses was going to get her top off at one point (the Susan Sarandon character, I think). It only ended up being for a few seconds, but that’s good enough for me. And hey, I kind of enjoyed the rest of the show too, like I said. Yes, I am that immature. The end.

Dan:
I think of my good friend Harry Waksberg, and of the darkness of middle school, whenever this movie is mentioned. I've seen the movie in his basement a few times, and also in midnight-theaters. It's good that someone turned it into a stageable thing, for the sake of people like this:



The Founder, Abner Doubleday
C
Wears a combined Cleveland and St. Louis hat, with a small Chicago AL feather

Will be forever remembered for creating this great game, sucking at it, and then for cheating death. For a small few of us, this game has never gotten any better than The Doubles.


Marvin Martian
SS
Wears a Boston hat

Forever marks the triumph of all, and indeed, of the OGL itself. It has taken all these years for us, at last, to succumb to our own Hilarity. A great thing has been accomplished here, this day. And Lou, unconscious somewhere, mutters and sputters, and is comforted.

Love.

Class of 2029

Jamie Lynn
CF
Wears a Detroit hat.

Spiros Vondas is the go-between who serves as a buffer between the head honcho of an international drug and human trafficking syndicate known only as "The Greek" and the low-lifes who he makes deals w.......oh fuck. It's some goddamned porno actress, isn't it? Uh, Jamie Lynn fucks dudes for money. The end.

(Shoulda been you, Spiros, with your fancy hat.)

Class of 2028

Bill Russell
SP
Wears a Chicago (AL) hat.

Center, ring-collector, victim (and fomenter) of infamous Boston racism, autograph-refusing asshole.

Class of 2027

Chicago
OF
Wears a Washington hat.

Some faggotron musical with everyone walking around in their underwear and doing jazz hands and hats, so many hats.



Maxaman - WB
SP
Wears a Philadelphia hat.

Pills that make your dick bigger. The ingredients are things like "Tribulus" and "l-Arginine" and "Sarsaparilla" and "Oyster Meat". The guy on the bottle's dick is so big, he won a trophy, in some sort of dick measuring contest I guess.

Class of 2026

C.R.E.A.M.
C
Wears a Pittsburgh hat.

Can Raekwon Enjoy Another Muffin? (It doesn't matter, he's going to have one anyway.)




Dick Diver
SS
Wears a St. Louis hat.

Dives for dicks, and the occasional bag of dicks. (lol, all women are crazy, both fictional and real.)




Emerson Drive
LF
Wears a Cincinnati hat.

The enemy fleet was rapidly approaching. The Captain, sweat dripping from his brow, barked orders at his first mate.
"The Cylons are closing fast! Is the Emerson Drive ready?"
"Almost set, Captain Kirk! Just a few more calculations.....there!"
"Punch it, Chewie!"
The ship lurched, the stars flared into star bursts, and the crew exploded into spontaneous applause. The Drive had worked. The Spice was safe.


Hedda Gabler
3B
Wears a St. Louis hat.

Manipulative cunt. Norwegian.


Iggy Pop
SP
Wears a New York (NL) hat.

Part time rocker, part time bad actor, one-time junkie. Does not believe in shirts. Not Dr. Manhattan.



Monsieur Meursault
SP
Wears a St. Louis hat.

W supposedly read this on one of his brush-clearing environmental rescue trips to his ranch in Crawford. It'll take a team of psychiatrists to figure that shit out.

Class of 2025

John Shaft
2B/SS
Wears a Cincinnati hat.

Here's the dirty little secret about Shaft - it's not that good. Oh, it starts off well enough, John Shaft walking the streets of New York, cutting in front of traffic, flashing his badge, talking to a white street vendor (who, one assumes, is friends with Shaft because he is, quite literally, blind and therefore doesn't realize that his buddy is an Uppity Negro). That Song playing the whole time. But then it sort of just turns into a standard actioner. Shaft isn't even all that recognizably black, not the way some other blaxploitation heroes were. He's not trying to get one over on The Man, he's more or less just doing his job.

Or, to keep with the blaxploitation theme, a crude sexual metaphor - The Theme From Shaft works, in part, because it's all foreplay. The anticipation builds and builds through that long-ass intro, until the beat finally changes and Isaac Hayes' voice comes over, smooth as silk. Sings a few lines, the ladies sing back and then, post-coitally, he gets the hell out of Dodge. Shaft, on the other hand, is all orgasm - the opening scene is John Shaft, walking around and being badass, but then the film lingers around all night to cuddle as a pretty rote genre movie. So, if you've never seen it, this will probably suffice: