Class of 1981

Grandma Moses
SP
Wears a Detroit hat.

2 Cy Young awards plus 6 other top 5 finishes and 1 other top 10 finish. Top 20 all-time in Wins, Shutouts, ERA, WHIP and K's.
Grandma Moses didn't pick up painting until she was in her 70's, spending much of her life before that time in and out of the protective custody of the state. One of her most well-known paintings, "8-Ball Getting Jacked By Crips Dressed Like Crackheads" was inspired by a real-life incident when Ms. Moses, behind on her payment to local hustler/pimp Freddy "Gunga Din" Cornwell, was in the middle of robbing a neighborhood liquor store when getaway driver Ernie "8-Ball" Fredericks had his getaway car stolen by a group of neighborhood Crips disguised as crack addicts. Ms. Moses would frequently tell the story in her later years with a smile on her face, but it is unlikely she was smiling when she enacted the imfamous and incredibly disturbing punishment on local crime lord Ulysses "Iguana" Thomason that put her on the map in the crime underworld. She never painted that particular scene, although crime scene photographs are still passed around amongst collectors of such things, taking their rightful place alongside photos of Fou-Tchou-Li as the most prized pieces of arcana among that subset.


Jack Bauer
SP
Wears a Pittsburgh hat.

ROY award, 1 Cy Young award. 1 top 5 finish in Fireman award voting. Top 20 all-time in Wins, ERA, WHIP, K's.
What the hell does Jack Bauer do on the days that he isn't saving the universe. I guess the easy answer would be "drinks, a lot" but that would be pejorative and uncalled-for. Mostly I just picture him sitting around in his underwear, watching the Price is Right and eating Golden Grahams and waiting for the phone to ring about another goddamn plot that threatens civilization as we know it. I imagine he spends at least part of his day amusing himself by making fun of Kim for falling into a bear trap. Do you think there are other guys like Jack, foiling other plots around the world? Or was his resume so good that the people who hired him said, you know what, we'll never do better than this, let's just let him handle all of this shit.

Class of 1980

Alcohol
LF
Wears a New York (NL) hat.

Top 5 in ROY voting. Top 20 all-time in OBP and Batting average.
Did you know:
*Methanol, or "wood alcohol", can make you go blind, but only if you're a huge pussy who can't take his alcohol and you're not one, are you?
*Studies have shown that if you use alcohol as a fuel source you are wasting precious precious alcohol?
*People who don't drink alcohol, or "teetotalers" as they are known, are fucking weird?
*Drinking laboratory alcohol can make you cranky and irritable to the point where you make a big fuss about draft picks?
*The perfect vessel for drinking alcohol is Elizabeth Shue's naked breasts, followed by Denise Richards' naked breasts? And that in no circumstances should you attempt to drink alcohol off of any part of Bea Arthur's anatomy unless you have a well-formed escape plan in mind?
*The best way to get rid of a hangover is to die of alcohol poisoning?

Class of 1979

John Brown
2B/1B/OF
Wears a Cleveland hat.

1 MVP award. Top 20 all-time in HR, Slg., OPS.
Abolitionist, revolutionary, leader of men. John Brown happens to have found himself planted firmly on the correct side of history but make no mistake - his default setting wasn't "righteous", it was "crazy". While Frederick Douglas, Harriet Tubman and Abby Kelley, among others, are lauded by history books, John Brown is the embarrassing uncle who lives in the bedroom in the attic and sometimes comes downstairs when your friends come over in an untied bathrobe, mumbling about tracking devices in his skull. Killing people indiscrimately doesn't tend to get you a choice seat at the Revolutionaries table.


Thaddeus Stevens
SP
Wears a Cleveland hat.

Two Cy Young awards. One WS MVP. Top 20 all-time in Shutouts, ERA, WHIP.
Now here's someone who history has been a lot more kind to than his contemporaries were. Stevens was every bit the abolitionist that John Brown was but without all the, you know, murdering. Sometimes a system is so corrupt that it can only be shaken up from without, by men of vision and passion. Unfortunately, those who are do choose to revolt are almost always exactly the sort of people who you would never, ever want to lead a nation. So sometimes the real revolutions are led from the inside by career politicians like Stevens, even if their ideas take a long time to catch on. It is when men like Stevens cease being able to affect the direction of our country from within the system that our trek towards irrelevance and "the dustbin of history" will have begun.

Class of 1977

Mos Def
RF
Wears a Chicago (NL) hat.

ROY winner. 3 MVP's plus 5 other top 5 finishes. Top 20 all-time in HR, Hits, RBI, Runs and SB.
What's there to say about Mos Def? Well, how about this - even white people love Mos Def. And not in the vaguely Stepin Fetchitesque way we embraced MC Hammer. We love him because he's both smart and outspoken, not in spite of it. Plus, and let's be honest here, it's entirely possible that he's actually a better actor than musician, and that'll warm the heart of the snootiest intellectual elite who thinks hip hop has something to do with C&C Music Factory. Mos Def - even beloved by white people.



Gilligan
SP
Wears a Washington hat.

1 Cy Young. Top 20 all-time in Wins, Shutouts, ERA, WHIP and K's.
Gilligan's Island lasted 3 seasons, the same as the original Star Trek. Most people would probably assume both shows lasted longer, due to their constant rotation through syndication. They just SEEM like they went on forever. Plus, any episode is pretty much like any other episode, so it's basically impossible to tell when they roll over. In fact, I'll go ahead and save you the trouble of watching any more episodes:
The castaways find a way off the island.
Gilligan fucks it up.
They do not get to leave.
Actually, between points 2 and 3 should probably go "Group orgy with Mary Ann and Ginger" but they never show it, so I'll leave it out. It's there though, you know it is.

Class of 1976

Major General John B. Gordon
SP
Wears a Cleveland hat.

1 Cy Young award plus 1 other top 5 finish. Top 20 all-time in 4
statistical categories (Wins, Shutouts, ERA, WHIP).
Confederate general who is known for, among other things, being wounded in combat over and over again. Shot in the calf, upper leg, left arm, shoulder, cheek, head, and quite possibly many more. Upon being shot in the head, Gordon's wife actually ran into the street and yelled at her husband's troops to stop retreating and go face the enemy. Probably didn't like black people.


tysoniowery
SP
Wears a New York (AL) hat.

2 Cy Young awards plus 4 other top 5 finishes. 1 WS MVP award. Top 20 all-time in 4 statistical categories (Wins, Shutouts, ERA, WHIP).
Hooray. I have nothing to say about this. Jojo knows what he did.

Class of 1975

Grant Hart
SS
Wears a Chicago (NL) hat.

ROY winner. 5 MVP awards plus 2 other top 5 finishes. 1 World Series MVP. Top 20 all-time in 4 categories (Hits, RBI, Runs, SB)
Drummer/Songwriter for legendary Minneapolis post-punk band Husker Du. Is there anything in rock and roll that looks more hideous than a drummer that sings? Drummers aren't rock stars - they're people who hang around with rock stars. Think of the famous drummer/singers. Don Henley. Phil Collins. The dude from The Romantics on "What I Like About You". What do these people have in common? That's right - they're douchebags. There's a reason this is a rare species. There is a process of natural selection at work in rock. If you have a gimmick like a singing drummer or a guy who only plays the flute, chicks will think you're lame, and 80% of the reason for the other guys in the band to hang around with you (to meet chicks at college party gigs) will be gone. So where does Grant Hart fit in? Well 66% of Husker Du, including Hart, was gay. Therefore, that incentive is gone, leaving Grant as the singing drummer. And since every songwriting pair must by law be compared to Lennon/McCartney, I will tell you that Hart was the McCartney to Bob Mould's Lennon.

Class of 1974

Lolita Haze
3B
Wears a St. Louis hat.

ROY win, 3 MVP wins. 3 other top 5 MVP finishes. Top 20 all-time in 9 statistical categories (HR, Hits, RBI, Runs, Slg, OBP, OPS, Avg, SB)
There are no two ways about it – Nabokov was ahead of his time. Still, let’s be honest here: in real life, Humbert Humbert doesn’t look or act like James Mason. At all.


TARGET
3B
Wears a Brooklyn hat.

ROY win, 1 MVP win. 3 other top 5 MVP finishes. Top 20 all-time in 8 statistical categories (HR, Hits, RBI, Runs, Slg, OBP, OPS, Avg)
Like Wal*Mart, not really the corporate entity but a third-rate alter-ego that bears some tangential relationship to the corporate entity. Still, TARGET’S singlemindedness is occasionally funny, in kind of the same way that saying “Tar-zhay” is funny. In other words, not really, unless you’re a mom.


Francis Macomber
RP
Wears a St. Louis hat.

ROY top 5. 8 Fireman Awards plus 1 other top 5 finish. Top 20 in 3 statistical categories (Saves, ERA, WHIP)
Some people might consider a story about a pathetic middle-aged man who has to go on a hunting trip to prove he’s not a sissy to his castrating wife, only to ultimately be shotgunned to death by the wife because he can’t shoot straight, to be an example of Hemingway’s rampant misogyny. But I’d like to remind you that Papa didn’t truck with no homosexuals either (a theme we will continue to explore in our next biography). Either way, I think we can all agree on this much – don’t take your wife hunting with you.

Jay Gatsby
SP
Wears a St. Louis hat.

8 Cy Young awards plus 3 other top 5 finishes. Top 20 all-time in 5 statistical categories (Wins, Shutouts, ERA, WHIP, K's)
Good Lord did those early 20th century authors dislike women. At least Gatsby had the good sense to live the good life and (presumably) bed a lot of hot New York debutantes before he was destroyed by his love of a woman who, ultimately, probably didn’t give a shit about him anyway.
Zelda Fitzgerald was convinced F. Scott and Ernest Hemingway were having an affair but honestly, she was a woman so what the fuck does she know about the love that dare not speak its name. Hussy.